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Divorce Divorce can be an emptional and financial roller coaster. Talk about it with those who have been through it before.

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Old 09-20-2002, 08:23 AM
Juliecc913's Avatar
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Hurting, need some words

I have a wonderful son who is 18 today. His father divorced me when out little guy was almost five. The father has provided child support but little else. His new wife and family and job took precedence over our son. My son is one of those kids that everybody likes. He is decent and kind (and lazy and messy like alot of teens--not perfect) but as a human he is exquisite. Over the years I've have not bad mouthed his father, tried to talk about him a bit, take interest in his new family (as my son has siblings there), etc. My son as he has grown up has figured out what kind of man his dad is and doesn't like him much but he is still his father.

His dad asked for some birthday suggestions for Matt so I asked Matt and he said, "well, I've been thinking it would be nice to go play golf with dad some day--they've golfed together probably twice in his life". I thought okay, that sounds good and his dad likes to golf, should be no problem. Yesterday his dad called me reference and insurance matter and I told him what Matt had said. And his dad said "oh, we'll probably just give him money, he can probably use that more." I was devastated. All the boy wants is some time with his dad and even now he can't eek out a morning or afternno for him.

I am crying moy eyes out as here comes another hurt. I've given my son a great stepdad and he has a great grandpa in my father but I really screwed up iwht the natural father first.

Why does this hurt me so bad today? You think I'd be used to it.
Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-20-2002, 09:55 AM
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Julie,
God Bless you for raising a great kid. I have a 20yo son. I think we, as parents, think of 18 as a "magic number", that our baby is grown and ready to fly away. We're already seeing the changes and the growing up and it's sad. It seems especially bad for you since you only want the world to be a perfect place for him. As you've said, he has figured out the kind of person his father is. He probably won't be surprised by his father's actions. It may hurt him for a while, but he knows what the important things are. You, his step-dad and his grandfather.

It's ok to hurt for him and to cry for him because we want to shield our kids from the bad things in life. You've raised him right, and he knows what it's all about. Give him an extra hug or three.

You didn't really screw up too badly with his father. Look what a great kid you got from that.

Sharon
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Old 09-20-2002, 07:27 PM
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Sharona, you are right, I did get a great kid out of my ex. Thanks for the kind words. I do want the best for him, as all moms do. I do feel better getting it off my chest. I did hug him a bunch today. He seemed to want it as much as I did. :

Thanks again.
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Old 09-21-2002, 02:15 PM
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Hi Julie,
I do not have any magic words but I just want you to know that I care about you. Just thru your writings I can tell you are a very special person and a wonderful parent.
I agree with Sharon, it IS OK for you to hurt because you do expect the best for your kids but, I think your son is smart enough too, to see what he DOES have. You have enough of a big heart in you to help him to see what IS good in his life.
Take good care of yourself.
peace,train
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Old 09-21-2002, 10:21 PM
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Thanks you all for your kind words. I re-read my post just now and boy I can tell I was a mess--the typo's were atrocious--can't type and cry at the same time obviously

I think I mentioned this on another post but this morning my son came to me and said "thanks for last night (I had a little BD party for him)--it was my best ever." I just melted and hugged him--so weird to hug your baby and have him tower over you by six inches. I don't know if he and and I will ever get used to that! Great mom moment. Tucked in my heart forever.
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Old 09-22-2002, 03:28 PM
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Julie,
I really know how you felt yesterday......My Ex just isn't there for my 2 boys. He pays child support faithfully but just ISN'T there for them. I don't know how many times I have cried & cried about the situation. Yes, they have my husband, their stepfather, who is absolutely great with them, but it's just not the same as the real Dad. My Ex told me when we first separated that he never wanted the kids on any of his vacations or holidays.....The kids were 2 & 5 at the time. They are now 14 & 17. The kids go with their Dad every other week-end but most of the week-ends this summer, He has had other plans. Told me that they had the whole summer planned. I suggested that maybe since he was supposed to get the kids on those week-ends that maybe he could plan on doing something with the kids and he informed me that He wasn't planning his life around the kids.....Yes, I cried & cried but you know something? My kids all know who really cares about them. My husband has been there for all the boyscout meetings, little league practices, football games, trouble at school with the principals, teaching my older son how to drive....the list goes on & on & on........Yes, it hurts me that their real Dad is not the father that he is supposed to be but It thrills my heart that Steve is there for them the way a real Dad should be. There are a lot of tears because We hurt so bad about the situations and ultimately feel it is all our fault.......But I have come to the conclusion that it isn't our fault for the way that the kids father acts.......Their Father is an adult & someday HE will pay for what he has done/not done with his children. Then again, WE will reap the awards for what WE have done for them....Anyways, just me rambling
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Old 09-22-2002, 05:11 PM
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Kim,

Sounds like we have similar situations although I only have one with my ex. He wouldn't even commit to a visitation schedule (let's just play it by ear). That meant he might have him overnight once every three months or so. Once he turned of babysitting age, he was of more interest to the ex (as he has three other kids with his new wife). I told my ex that Matt doesn't owe it to him to babysit his children that if he wants to see Matt that's fine but Matt is not just a babysitter. Once he turned 16 and got his truck his dad figured now Matt could visit him--ha! He goes over there about as often as he dad came to get him. What are the men thinking? Their huge loss but our kids do suffer.

Thanks for letting me commisserate.
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Old 09-23-2002, 05:09 PM
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Julie,
I know exactly what you mean. We just feel so bad for our children that we CAN'T stand it!!! I think the hardest thing for me to understand is why my kids father is so selfish? When I look at me & my husband & how all of our time is for all 4 of our children and then I look at my ex and I just can't fathom it!!! It's hard sometimes for my husband, He really can't understand it since He tries so hard to be a good father to his own 2 kids as well as his "extended" 2 kids and it really makes him mad......I'm just glad that Steve is there to show them how a real father is supposed to act. I know it bothers the kids though, How could it not? You know something though? Our kids know how much we love them and especially since we care so deeply about what happens to them. It's just too bad that the ones who get hurt the most in divorce is the kids. Someday they might understand that they might have been hurt more If we had stayed together (definitely) Anyways, just rambling thoughts from someone who really does understand;-)
Take Care!!!
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Old 11-17-2006, 06:36 AM
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it's nice to know there are nice guys out there. many times when they are fathers that live in the same home they dont act the part at all...only once did my husband go watch our son play baseball and then he griped and didnt stay now he says he was out of town ,it was a saturday nice try. all of the scout meetings, dinners , accomplishments mine never attended any of them with a daughter 4 years younger in tow we went to every single one of them and stayed we didnt even just drop him off. he never took an interest in their school projects and when our son was in a play at school his senior year we had to drag my husband to it. now we are getting a divorce my son is l9 my daughter 15 you try to keep your kids out of the middle while over and over mine involved our son ..the other day without warning he cancelled the cell phone service ,the cell phone was how our son was able to keep in touch from college in buffalo..... I fixed it and now we have our own phone service that no one can take away again and all new phones..how does that saying go anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad........ very true
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