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Divorce Divorce can be an emptional and financial roller coaster. Talk about it with those who have been through it before.

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  #31 (permalink)  
Old 08-23-2002, 11:45 AM
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Divorce

I am really sorry if I offended you in any way. I may have come off too harsh. I do appolagize! I am not trying to judge anyone for what has already been done, but to encourage those who have not yet gone through with it to be reconciled. I realize that many or most people have no idea what they are promising when they vow to be married, but i just feel that that is not any reason once they know, to continue with the devorce. There are so many people who have thought it was over and thought it was so bad that they just couldn't continue, but they got help, and now they look back 20 years later and thank God that they stuck with it because it is better than they ever thought it could be. I wish that everyone could know that joy. I guess my passion for the subject came accross as judgement, and I promise, I really didn't mean for it to.
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Old 08-24-2002, 12:01 AM
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Hi Kgrif! Glad you joined the conversation. I totally believed how you feel about divorce and vows etc when I married my first husband. Unfortunately he fell away from those vows himself and our pastor had to tell me that it was best for me and my child to divorce. I was all for counseling etc, but my dh admitted he didn't want to change.

It's been almost 13 years now, and he hasn't changed one bit. Now he treats our dd (17) the same way he treated me and it hurts her dearly. She is in counseling to help her deal with it. She is not in counseling because of the divorce, per se. She in no way wants her parents to get married again. It's just that he treats her like she is nothing to him and that must hurt her poor heart so much. What has helped tremendously is that God led me to my 2nd husband and he is a great examply of what a dad and husband should be. That's important for kids to know.

I applaud your efforts to help others to seek counseling or try other ways to keep from divorcing. I do the same. But there are situations where divorce is a life or death situation. I chose life for me and my daughter.

Blessings! Becky
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Old 08-24-2002, 09:01 AM
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divorce

Feel I must contribute my experience with the views of kgrif.... I too am a christian and believe in the sanctity of marriage... however my ex-husband didn't. I felt that I had to try everything in my power and hung in there for over 21 years. I took the high road and forgave everything he did....gambling heavily, getting us into heavy debt, making the children go without enough food and other essencials . He would go and treat himself to pizza or food at the track or wherever he was when hungry. Denying himself nothing. However, I believed that I had made my bed and believed that if I wasn't happy in this world , i would be in the next. But when he got involved with drugs plus openly had a girlfriend...he started to pull me down into his world. I believe that God does not want us to stay in a situation such as that. I struggled with this decision and finally got out...much to the surprise of the husband who expected me to put up with anything since I had in the past. God blessed me with a wonderful man later on and I believe I did the right thing. I never believe in taking marriage lightly as some do .."if it doesn't work out, I'll just leave attitude" but I truly believe in hindsight that my children were damaged by this toxic atmosphere and I set an example of what they thought marriage or relationships should be like. My girls grew up to get into relationships with users and losers themselves. I finally found that I couldn't save or change my husband...he had to want to change himself.... Each situation is different... I know that you need to say what you did in case there is just one out there who is not sure about their decision and needs encouragement to hang in there. But I have found that everyone needs to do what is right for them.... shari
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Old 08-24-2002, 12:20 PM
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divorce

I really don't know anyone who gets a divorce easily. Many single mothers are forced to live at a poverty level after divorce. In fact, I believe that nearly all welfare recipients are single parents. It is never an easy choice. In fact, in my opinion, the older generations that stayed together were often miserable. I can't see wasting a life stuck with the wrong person. When I look around, I know only a handful of people who are happy in their marriages. I guess more thought needs to go into creating a marriage - maybe people should be required to take classes, whatever, because I sure see some unhappy married friends. I often wonder why some women put up with their mates and I suppose it is fear of the uncertainty of divorce. It is really a struggle to get divorced and basically handle all child care yourself. If you are in a good safe marriage I envy you, but can you imagine fending for yourself and your children - Kgrif?
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  #35 (permalink)  
Old 08-26-2002, 10:08 AM
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divorce

I do understand what you all are saying. That once you are in a situation that is horrable, and you have done everything you can to make things work, then there comes a time when you have to do what you think is best for you and your children. And I do believe that there are circumstances that allow for this. I too can look around me and see that many of my friends have aweful marriages and many married for less than 5 years are falling apart or already devorcing. What I consistantly see in these situations is that they married people that were not emotionally sound, or spiritually sound. They married people that had issues in their lives that needed immediate attention (fixable things, like everything is) and yet things that MUST be delt with PRIOR TO MARRIAGE. They think, I love this person and I can put up with it. Or they think they can change them. Or they don't date long enough to know if that person would be a good match. It was mentioned that marriage should be set up differently, and I think you are right. The vows are not the problem, it's that people are not adiquately preparing themselves for the COMMITMENT that marriage requeres. Premarital counseling is a must!! And as mothers, we must educate our children about the realistic aspects of marriage ie, conflict resolution, selflessness, role sharring, etc. And we as women are not helpless when situations arise in our marriages that we can not change ourselves... we can pray for our husbands, and should be everyday for them to have wisdom and discernment. For them to treat us as God intended for them to, and for their honor. We can also pray daily that the Lord would show us where we can better serve our husband, how we can honor them, and how we can bless them. The book, "The Power of a Praying Wife" is so very good!! I would challenge you all to read it with me. It will change your marriage!!! And even for the single moms, I prayed for my husband before I ever even knew who he was, so you can pray the book over you husban to be if you desire to remarry. I am sorry I rambled for so long!! Thanks for letting me chat.
Kristin
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Old 08-27-2002, 03:43 AM
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Divorce

Well, I have been divorced for 25+ years, and I think I am smart enough to realize that I probably will never marry again, as I am not a good "picker". I grew up with poor role models (wish they had divorced sooner), and I am left with that legacy. So...except for yardwork and home repairs, I don't really miss not having a husband at all.
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Old 06-24-2006, 08:36 AM
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I have been married for 24 years this july we have two kids a daughter who is 15 and a son who is 19 the marriage was abusive verbally and from what my lawyer says physically even though he didnt touch me he threw things constantly and broke things in front of the kids so if we hadnt gotten good at getting out of the way it would have been physical as well. i am a stay at home mom and have been since the birth of my son , i had been threatened with him leaving me i had i found out also been brainwashed being told i was worthless and stupid. all in front of the kids , i had been spit on and blamed for everything....i had gone in to see his dr. and tell them that the prozac wasnt working for his bi polar and she gave me words of great wisdom you cant fix him you have to fix yourself so you can survive him...I went to a pschyco therapist she told me about and had gone for almost two years regaining my old self back....then in april he with the help of his sisters was going to take all the money out of the accounts and my sons college money....then he was going to have his paycheks direct deposited into his own accounts giving the kids and i nothing..the kids get money but have to beg for it, he has control issues, i learned i was not to blame for his problems and waited till my daughter was 15 so she wouldnt have to go for visitations she would have her own lawyer...i did not want the kids to be treated the way they had seen me treated for years and they would have it had already started. as i left that day i was going to file for separation and was told he probably wouldnt sign it then it was wasted as i was leaving he said what are you going to do divorce me you are nothing with out me....survival took over i had to be strong and get out of this violent realtionship for myself and my kids. so yeah i filed that day..it has been since the end of march and we have had no money from him he took over buying the groceries which no one can eat he gets things in bulk no veggies or fruits just a lot of junk things he eats.....my court date is in july 4 days before my anniversary...i tried to make the marriage work but you have to know when it isnt working for you anymore......i have a nice place picked out for the kids, pets and myself where we will feel safe and make a home for ourselves.no more yelling or abuse,just peace and quiet. my mother now enjoys her weekends the fights were horrible and the things he would do unreal, she was afraid for me every weekend. my advise for any woman thinking about leaving you file after you have saved up at least 3-4,000 $+ it is 2500 for lawyers fees alone...if you havent worked dont it works out better for you as far as maintenance ,have your own credit card that was the first thing he canceled, you will need it beleive me for food and gas money.have some for a down payment for your next move a lot of places require a deposit, research places you might want to move to it took me a long time to narrow it down , and a lot of places have a weight limit for dogs.....learn to accept help from family and friends, my mom lent me money and i fought it for so long i had never needed to take money from anyone ever.trust your lawyer also i found a very good woman lawyer and i feel she has my interests at heart and i was lucky to get a woman judge who had defended abuse cases...never sign over anything, dont leave the house you get half of that house and the things in it...you get half of his retirement, social security when the time comes.....life insurance policies you split any money he has like bonuses you get your half before taxes, his paycheck you get off the top before taxes, make your plan and dont be afraid to take the plunge ....we are looking forward to our lives on the other side, the kids and i cant wait no more controlling ...and beleive me you will see a side of your husband you didnt know he had a deep mean side , just be glad your getting out...the other day we are still living in the same house i had to charge 286.00 for my car and instead of him paying for it he told me to get used to it.....he has over 7,000 in the bank.....have access to the income tax file for the year and the year before, make copies of the titles of the cars, the house mortgage any retirement plans everything you can find. know the finances and what things cost for the month for you to take care of a family you will fill out a paper asking you ..i knew because i paid all the bills before he took the money......keep track of your reciepts for the law office and dont be afraid to ask questions.
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Old 06-24-2006, 08:49 AM
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at the beginning i vowed NO MEN....but then made the joke of if he looked like nick lachey and had money and of course loved me, my kids and my animals i would give hime a chance...i chose wrong the first time he is a saleman and told me what i wanted to hear....it will be a while and i will be totally healed but i decided not to shut the door , he will be about l0 years younger maybe even 35 ish the younger guys seem to be more of what i'm looking for they dont seem to be so into control and ownership , i will leave the door open to dating and then it will be my way and if he wants to share my life with me fine if not he knows where the road is........otherwise i will go on bus tours, do a lot of reading and pursuing my own interests and dreams so far i havent been able to do that yet. i was married at 24 now at 48 i want things the way i want them.
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Old 06-26-2007, 09:36 AM
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I, myself have been seriously thinking divorce for the past year. I have an alcoholic husband, not abusive at all (physically), but verbally, he puts me down all the time and makes me feel small. I want to do this so badly but I'm not currently working (but desperately searching) and don't have any money saved and don't have my own vehicle. I have a bunch of websites bookmarked about divorce and emotionally, I'm ready. He doesn't think anything is wrong with our relationship. When he drinks, he's so affectionate and tells me he can't live without me and wants to make love all the time. When I'm with him intimately, I have been getting grossed out and don't even feel that way anymore towards him. We don't have any kids together but I have a cat that's my baby and I won't leave without her. I can't stay at my parents because they have cats that would kill her. I guess I'm in a sticky situation and just wanted to vent. Any advice?
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Old 06-26-2007, 11:35 AM
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Oh Abby I feel for you my ex was never physically violent but mentally very much so. He was an alcoholic also. Took me a long time to realise I deserved so much better than that. We were not married but had been together for 4 years. Got to the point at weddings he would drink so much and not leave so I would leave him behind never knowing where he would end up passed out. One time he called and I went to pick him up and he started on me...then proceeded to open the car door and was going to jump because he was mad at me....and why did he call me????? I eventually called it quits and stuck to my guns. I had a job with very little income but was able to find a very small apt for dirt cheap and made do with what little furniture I had. I went to yard sales and on community garbage days if I saw something slavagable I would ask if I could take it. It was tough at first but I am so much better off for it now. My ex did not believe he had a drinking problem so counselling was out of the question. I figure it was his loss as i think I am a good person. After being on my own and finding the real me I met my hubby and am glad for the way things turned out. thinking of you as you choose to stay or leave...whatever the choice think of yourself and make sure you are not in harms way. Remember you don't deserve to be treated this way, no one does!!!!


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