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Divorce Divorce can be an emptional and financial roller coaster. Talk about it with those who have been through it before.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 08-12-2002, 07:40 AM
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Thank you

You know i totally forgot to answer mulberry204 had asked me ages ago ...and that was how old are my kids the kids are 11 (ds) , 12 (dd) and 15 next month (dd) . They are old enough to know right from wrong , which they do , and they point out to their dad every visit that he is doing this wrong or that wrong LOL
We ( me and danny ) are rasing the kids with love and respect ,good morals , high standards ( but not too high) and of course house rules. They are learning that for every action there is a reaction .. in our house it means time-out for bad behavior and praise for good behavior....at dads house it means high-fives for swearing or being rude or anything else you can think of which is socially unacceptable.
I agree that even though the parents are the ones getting the divorce it also effects the kids as well , fortunatly my kids KNOW why we are getting divorced and know exactly what happened to get to this point as they were there!
I am crossing my fingers hoping that i will hear something from my lawyer this week ... today is his court day so hopefully he is in court about my divorce
I once again ( and i know i say it everytime but i really do mean it) would like to thank each and everyone of you for your support ...it does mean so much to me to know i am not the only one who has a 'semi-messy' divorce and that i have you to vent to and you wont take it personally
Oh just so you know ...there is no division of assets as we rented a house and the car , like i said earlier, he had to give to me for medical emergencies for my son!
Well, i have rambled on enough for now lol but i will be sure and keep you updated as soon as i hear anything from my lawyer
Thank you again

Sue
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 08-12-2002, 07:59 AM
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divorce

Sue, I forgot to add one more thing that I learned. Just before my world fell apart (temporarily) a friend had the same thing happen. She vented to me as a close friend and someone who had seen closeup what had been going on in her situation. That is good to have a friend or two to lean on in the really tough times...however, I ran into another friend who confided that they were tired after months of hearing EVERY detail of what was going on with her.I took a cue from that and kept a lot of what was happening to me private. Everyone you know or meet really doesn't want to hear about it all the time.Sorry, but that is just life. This is a great idea, to vent to us and to those who won't take what you say the wrong way or talk about you to others you know. It sounds like the ex is very immature with encouraging the kids to swear , etc. but obviously he is not thinking of the effect it will have on the children down the road.I told my own kids that it had nothing to do with them. Just because you can make a baby doesn't make you a grownup or a good parent. Unfortunately some never grow up and remain self-centered and incapable of seeing the needs of others. The kids need to know that is just the way it is and not take it personal.Hang in there, this too shall pass.......
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Old 08-12-2002, 08:11 AM
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slb427

Thank you for the tip .... i don't think anyone around where i live knows i am getting divorced as i dont talk about it with them lol i only talk about it in here , where i know i can get loving support and not be told to 'hang in there he is just going through a rough spot...stay together for the kids sake if nothing else' and i can also get the scoop on what to do and what is to be expected
Thank you for the tip though and i will rememeber it

Sue
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Old 08-12-2002, 03:58 PM
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First off, you will live through it.
Second, life will be so much better for having gone through it.
Third, it seems like it takes forever to get through it, accept it.
Fourth, allow yourself the time to heal in all areas.
Fifth, you can't make him be the father you want him to be--as soon as you can let go of that, the better off you will be.
Sixth, divorce does affect the kids. That is just the fact.
Seventh, talk to people. They do care.
Eighth, go to a single parent support group or divorce recovery group. It helps.
Ninth, financially, accept that you can DEPEND only on yourself. Don't spend the money he is supposed to give you. If you get it, save some and spend some but stick to a budget of money that you are bringing in.
Tenth, you are loveable and can love and be loved again. Just be patient. Don't rush yourself.

Hope one or all of these will be helpful.

Peace be with you.
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Old 08-14-2002, 12:20 PM
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Wow, such great advice! I agree with everyone, especially the 'don't bad-mouth the ex' thing. They WILL figure it out on their own. I did it ONE time when my dd was 5 and she yelled at me for 5 minutes! Then when she turned 16, she turned to me and said "can I divorce my dad?"

I also ended up meeting a very nice man (not really looking-still in that "all men are creeps' stage!) who is a WONDERFUL father-figure for my dd and now OUR 3 other children! No matter what, try to get a relative or friend that you can trust to be a father-figure for your kids-it's real important. Daughters need it to know what type of man they should look for in a husband and sons need it so they know how to BE a good guy. And don't rule out counseling. Even though you think the kids are handling things o.k., these types of things take root deep inside and could come out later in harmful ways. For you as well! Take care of yourself and God bless you-this is hard, but you will make it and everyone is going to be better off in the long run because YOU had the strength to do something very hard.
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Old 08-14-2002, 12:38 PM
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Thank you Taximom962

I have never bad-mouth my ex infront of the kids .....with my parents and my wonderful bf ...well thats another story LOL

I have found a great man that treats me and the kids with the respect , love ad care that we deserve . My son , 10yrs old, looks up to him and has a great time with him....he is teaching him how to play golf and how to act like a gentleman not like a bum like his dad My daughters , 12 and 14 yrs old, both think he is gods gift and respect him...even though he can be strict with them at times ( thats what they think lol) they usually always come back and say that they are sorry for whatever it was that they did. The kids know that he will protect them from harm but give them enough room to make those little learning mistakes everyone has to in life.

As for the counselling , just after i kicked him out the victims services in our town contacted me and asked if i would like the kids to be put in counselling ... i said yes i think it would be best in the long run...well that was in 1999 and i am still on the waiting list for the kids to get counselling! I have made use of the school counsellors for each one of my kids and also my parents . The kids know that they can come to me , danny ( my bf) , or my parents and say anything and it will be kept confidential. Again this year i will make use of the schools counsellors as i have for the last 3 years.

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words ... with all this support there is no way i cannot get through this

Thank you again

Sue
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Old 08-14-2002, 09:24 PM
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Hang in there!

Although everyone's situation is different, I think all of us who have been through a divorce can sympathize (sp) with you. I FINALLY got my divorce about 7 years ago. My husband found another woman and started going out with his friends all night and sleeping all day and not working because he was "depressed". Mean while I was working 2 jobs, going to school and taking care of our 2 kids. Finally, out of the blue my highschool sweetheart (love of my life) called one night. My husband decided to finally tell me he wanted a divorce and the kids and I had to move because my mother in law owned the house, so the kids and I moved in with my current husband (highschool sweetheart). it took my former husband 1 1/2 years to finalize the divorce and that was only because I threatened his pocketbook when I got pregnant. My first husband ended up causing a fatal injury to my 3 year old but was never charged (LONG story). All I can say is be true to yourself. You are a valuable person even with out a husband. I got caught up in the idea that I was a complete failure because my marriage was, if I had everything to do over again I never would have stayed as long as I did, but as they say hind sight is 20/20. Good luck in everything you do. Life is to short for you or your kids to be unhappy. And like I said you are a very valuable person, always remember that!!
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Old 08-15-2002, 07:38 AM
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HI

mousie31

Thank you for your support I didn't have the problem of him finding another woman ...he went nuts ...trashing the house , threatening me and the kids , violence etc all on Feb.14th

I just want to let you know that if i could turn back time * as Cher says* i would never have stayed with him for the nearly 13 yrs i did .... i would have left him after 2 years but as there were kids involved ....you know how it is you think you have to stay etc etc .. My only advise for anyone in a bad relationship is.... please don't stay in it for the kids sake! I learnt the hard way it isnt worth it !!

Ok I just want to thank each and everyone of you for sharing your stories , hints and tips with me ... the better armed i am the better off i will be


Sue
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Old 08-18-2002, 12:11 AM
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Wow Sue, I envy how strong you are at this point. I was an emotional rag during mine! It really sounds like you are doing all the right things for you and your kids. I hope it all works out for you! Keep us posted! (p.s. That stinks about the counseling for your kids. I hope they get it if they need it!)
Becky
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Old 08-18-2002, 10:57 AM
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Thank you Becky

Thank you for your kind words I think i am strong only because of four things #1 ... i have to be for my kids . #2 My supportive , loving and caring parents , #3 is my loving ,caring and very supportive boyfriend....and now #4 is i have my Family Corner friends ~HUG~ which help me through the hard times . If i didnt have any of them backing me through this then i dont think i would be so strong. Oh i should let you know that when my lawyer says i might have to go to court i am scared to pieces about that !!! I have been to court , in front of a judge once before to get the restraining order and i was so scared , that was family court ... this court i would have to go to now is Supreme court

I will keep you updated as to what is happening . My lawyer is supposed to call me early this coming week so i will post them

Thank you again for your support

Sue
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