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Txchef_fran 12-25-2005 10:03 PM

Divorce, baby, which?
Okay I am tossing and turning here at midnight and finally just got up to see if anyone was up. My husband and I have been fighting ever since my 18 mo old daughter has been born. He wants me to cater to his every need, care for baby, work full time, pay everything, etc, etc, you know the drill. All while he hangs out with friends, comes home whenever he wants, do whatever he wants on his terms and only cares for baby when he HAS TO because I am working or something. I stay home with her along with caring for my neice and nephew for income along with working a profitable home based biz. He continues to say things like "we are so broke because we live off one income!" and "you chose to stay home with baby so it is your job, 24/7, 365." He has a son from a previous marriage and they do not have a great relationship (to say the least) I don't and have never believed in divorce however my goodness how long can someone take the bad mouthing, laziness, disrespectfullness, etc. Tonight we got in a fight and he left. I am not sure how much more I can take. I am thinking I would be better alone since he is already never here, never helps, and spends all our money. My problem is I DO NOT want to give my daughter to him every other weekend just for him to send her somewhere else. (He does that with step son. He has him every other weekend and when he does every time he is with his sister) IT IS SO ANNOYING! He said tonight he would never fight me for custody (DUH, because he does not want the responsibility) He wants his kids when it is convenient for him. One of his comments tonight was I was different now. I am more responsible, etc since she was born. HELLO.....I am a mother now with a tiny person depedning on ME! OF COURSE I am more repsonsible now. His idea of a perfect world is we play with her at night before bed and then on weekends she stays with family so we can party. I have no desire to do that now. Am I wrong? I understand we should have date night or movie night or whatever but everyweekend is not going to happen with this woman.

Why is it too much to ask for a man to love you and be a good Dad as well? He makes me feel like I should abandon my child so he can be happy. My daughter is everything and nothing will change that but I have plenty of love for him as well, but he wants all or nothing, he doesn't want to share.

The thought of me being without her every other weekend makes me sick knowing how he already treats his son. He gets dropped off like luggage where ever he can.

Txchef_fran 12-25-2005 10:05 PM

Sorry I didn't really ask the question, I just vented. My question is should I stay and continue to work it out for my daughter (and my sakes) or should I say enough is enough and deal with being a divorced family?

RobertaD 12-26-2005 06:11 AM

Have you tried counceling, couples or individual?

Date nights do help schedule one once or twice a month. You don't have to go out either if money is tight have the baby spend the night with family. Cook a nice meal or get take out and light some candles and after dinner put on music to dance or watch a new release movie that you have been wanting to see.


kadee_diid 12-26-2005 09:40 AM

Fran, I agree with Roberta. I'm not a counselor, dr, psyciatrist, police, etc...but I HAVE had personal experience. My husband and I had a really hard time for our first year and a half of marriage. During which time I strongly considered divorce, even though I don't believe in it. I think the biggest reason I didn't do it immediately was because of our daughter. I'd seen how other divorced families were and I didn't want that for my daughter.
But he didn't go out at all hours of the night and day, spend all our money, and he was a fairly good dad, although, he did bad mouth me - to me AND his family (he couldn't understand why his family didn't like me for the longest time!). We just fought so much. Money was usually the topic of choice since we usually didn't have any, bills were late, there wasn't any food in the fridge, etc....
I'm just thinking that it sounds like your husband might resist counseling (my dad was like your husband in many ways, and he resisted when my mom tried to go. Oh, he'd go, but he wouldn't was a total waste of time). We didn't have the money to go to counseling ourselves, but if what I tried hadn't worked, we'd either have had to come up with the $ for counseling or a divorce! I found a book by Stormie Omartin called "The power of a praying wife."
I began reading that book and praying as I read it, and as I prayed, I slowly began seeing changes, for the good, in my husband. I believe with all of my heart, that God answered my prayers and that is why I have a happy marriage now. Yes, we still have arguments, but they are not anything like they were know, now it's about "stuff" not who's wrong or right, and no name calling.
You didn't mention if your husband ever gets physical with you or not, so I'll assume he doesn't...but if he does, get out of that relationship NOW!
On the other hand, what you husband IS doing is called MENTAL ABUSE, based on what you've said. Don't try to defend him. If he says things that make you feel bad about YOU, then it's mental abuse. If you decide to try and stick things out with him in the hopes of his changing, then always remember to treat his rude comments about you like water on a ducks back, just let roll right off!
And remember, you ARE a valuable human being. The proof, if you need it, is in the fact that you have a little girl who is ALIVE because you have taken up the responsibility to be her mother and give her everything she needs to live! Sounds like more than you husband has been willing to do, thus far.

You have a hard decision ahead of you. I'd begin with prayer. Give your husband a little bit of time. Ask him about counseling. DO NOT make a rash decision! It could easily be one that you'd soon regret. and either decision is going to lead to a bumpy road. On the one hand, divorce, he may begin begging and pleading and promising promises he can't/won't keep OR he could be a real jerk and make life miserable. Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility of a child, but probably he would do anything if he thought it would hurt you. Then, there is prayer, and the hope that he will change. It probably won't happen overnight, it didn't for me or my mom (who waited well over 16 years and is still waiting on some accounts). and he doesn't have to know that you are praying for him but, nonetheless, he may resist that too. Eitherway, it's going to be uphill work.

I will pray for you and I hope that this helps you. If you want to see about getting that book, look at a Christian bookstore, it was only about $5 when I got it. Or, if you go to church and they have a library, they may have that book.

Abear 12-26-2005 06:44 PM

If I remember correctly, you went through ALOT to get your precious daughter!

I would ask him to go to counseling, try to work out a regular "date night" and see how things go before I decided what to do.

In the mean time, I would be keeping a very detailed log on the time he spends with his son, the dates, etc... that he brushes his son off on someone else instead of spending his weekend with him. This log should be VERY might help you later should you decide that a divorce is necessary. It will help you in the custody case....I think it would help you in limiting his visitation (especially overnight stays) until he can prove that he wants to be the kind of father his daughter deserves.

Good Luck in whatever path you decide is best for you and your daughter!!


Txchef_fran 12-31-2005 09:19 PM

Well less than a week since my original post and I guess I didn't subscribe because I just checked back and noticed there were responses. Too late though. It was out of my hands. That was Sunday when he left. Things were never the same. I called my Dad and asked if DD and I could come stay a while and let him think. That was Tuesday. Then Thursday I told him we needed to sit and talk about what our plans were for the new year as I thought some things needed to change since neither of us were happy. He said we were too different and neither of us was going to change or compromise. I said what about counseling and he said we were too far gone for that. Needless to say that night we agreed to split. Since then he has been talking divorce and even told his DS we were getting divorced. The conversation was so quick, smooth and easy I am thinking there is more to the story. He gave up everything. Daughter, all the stuff we own and agreed she he wouldn't have her overnight until she was at least 2. He said that is what the courts would say.

It makes me sad that 5 years of marriage and can over and assets split in 5 minutes. I honestly think he has to be seeing someone. Friday his sister watched his son and he came home, packed a bag really quick and left so he must have had a ball and chain cutting party to attend.

Meanwhile I was home trying to pack as much of my stuff and DS as possible all while keeping up with her and my emotions.

I keep thinking where did we go wrong. I looked at wedding pictures as I took them off walls and packed them and though wow where did those people go. They were so happy.

Most everyone I have talked to (friends and family) have said I need to just file and get it over with that he will never grow up and be the man or dad I want. My SIL thinks I should just move and wait to file to see what happends. She really doesn't want me to leave the family. In fact she said if I leave she wants to join my family and she gets no support from her either. (We normally hang out together at family events)

I would hate for me to file for divorce and then his world come crashing down where he has not other choice but to grow up and then him realize he had a good thing in his family. YET I don't want to stall either because I don't see him sticking to anything that is not enforced by court.

I did tell him last night though that I thought what was the saddest was that he would give up his family, 5 yrs marriage, 6 yrs together without even attempting counseling. He said right now his world was crashing around him and he couldn't think about it. He said besides it is not over until it is over and papers are filed. He said neither of us have money to file so it would be awhile anyway. HOWEVER what he doesn't know is that my Dad already offered to pay for me to file to get it done.

When he left I asked if he was coming home so if he wasn't I could double bolt door. He said this isn't home anymore, remember. I thought how rude THEN YOU CAN KNOCK!

Christmas time will always be sad now as that was when we split.
Should I wait, will he change, will he continue to make promises, who knows. I guess 2006 will be a hard year regardless.

Candy 01-01-2006 09:37 AM

No one can know your situation or heart like you can. That being said it is my belief to move forward...start the divorce. At any point in time things could change but if they don't there is no sense of feeling lost, Have a plan and work toward it. Move on and take it one day at a time. You can always get remarried if things change. Who knows a new comitment might be the right medicine. And a Divorce might wake him up. What ever you decide I am supporting 100 %. Life is tuff and only you can decide. Love

kadee_diid 01-01-2006 09:57 AM

I'm so sorry
I am so sorry to hear what happened, and esp over Christmas. Candy's right, no one, but you, can really understand what you are going through right now. Even others who have been through similar situations don't have what you had with your husband, good or bad. So only you know.
But, based on your husbands actions, he seems ready to move forward. I would suggest that you do the same. Maybe he will wake up and see the light, maybe he won't. But at least you'll be on your way, and you CAN change your direction in the future should he realize his mistake and if you so wish.
I am a Christian and am assuming you are, too when I say this: I Corinthians 7:15 says,
"But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace."
I am sorry that he was so quick to accept the suggestion of seperation and didn't even want to try and work things out. But at least there were no arguments, no shouting, no fighting.
I will pray that God will give you courage, wisdom, and peace to travel the road that is now before you.

With much prayer,

Txchef_fran 01-01-2006 10:04 AM

Thank you all.
I have decided to move on. The last couple of conversations we have had things have gotten worse and his unwillingness as well as not even giving a crap makes the decision easier. I HONESLTY don't think he will ever change. He will find someone else (think he already has) to mooch off of until they get tired and then he will move on again.

kadee_diid 01-01-2006 10:13 AM

I don't remember where I first heard it, but my husband just reminded me of a "saying" that I really took to heart when I first heard it. It made me quit second guessing myself leaving me standing still in the middle of a busy intersection, so to speak. It made me DO rather than talk about doing.

God can bless a DECISION, but He can't bless an INDECISION

You could still get that book I suggested by Stormie Omartin, "The Power of a Praying Wife." Divorce or no, you and your husband could be reconciled in the future, the actions this book will help you take could help. Even if you don't get back with your husband, if you get remarried in the future, it could help that relationship STAY good and happy.
But remember, it's what you will DO with that book that will help, not the book is just a guide.


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