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Divorce Divorce can be an emptional and financial roller coaster. Talk about it with those who have been through it before.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 01-04-2006, 02:32 PM
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I almost feel as though I have no place responding since I am happily married (for 23 years), but I agree with the fact that you should get counseling. Whether you go alone or together. Divorce in process or not. It can help. Find a counselor that you are comfy with. Go to your minister if you can't afford counseling. He/she is there to help. I do hope that things work out for you.
I will say this I would have done the same thing as you. Split. It sounds as though he has ALOT of growing up to do.

Coll
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 01-04-2006, 02:43 PM
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first off in my opinion never stayed married for the sake of a child...it only hurts the child. Next if you are not happy make him leave...don't stay married if you are not happy. You deserve to be happy and this too will affect the child. As far as him having her every weekend or every other weekend tell the judge about what he does with his son. It can't hurt. He needs to see a therapist or something and figure out what being a father and husband is all about. Keep your head up. Be glad he is not beating on you...at least I hope not.
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2006, 04:45 PM
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Post Actions, not Words!

I am sorry this is so incredibly long! It doesn't take nearly as long to SAY it as it does to write or read it! LOL

Fran,
I am happy for you that he SAYS he is willing to go to counseling. But I am more glad that you are going to make him SHOW you he means what he says.

I think it's common for guys to get kind-of jealous over a new baby (stupid, huh?), and then it's hard to get things back to normal. If things were good for you guys BEFORE the baby, and if he actually GOES to counseling and begins changing, then maybe, with work from both of you, you can get back what you had before your sweet one's arrival, and possibly even better. It seems to me that it will be worth the effort, anyway.

Maybe you don't listen to country music, but there is a song by Clint Black called "Something That We Do" that I think explains perfectly what Love really is (people seem treat love like a revolving door these days!):

I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
I still believe the words we said
Forever will ring true
Love is certain, love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn't something that we find
It's something that we do
It's holding tight, lettin' go
It's flying high and laying low
Let your strongest feelings show
And your weakness, too
It's a little and a lot to ask
An endless and a welcome task
Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do

We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start

It gives me heart remembering how
We started with a simple vow
There's so much to look back on now
Still it feels brand-new
We're on a road that has no end
And each day we begin again
Love's not just something that we're in
It's something that we do

We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and
where you start

Love is wide, love is long
Love is deep and love is strong
Love is why I love this song
And I hope you love it too
I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
Love isn't just those words we said
It's something that we do
There's no request too big or small
We give ourselves, we give our all
Love isn't someplace that we fall
It's something that we do


I believe strongly that you should not GET married, STAY married or GET divorced ONLY because you FEEL (or DON'T feel) "loving" toward someone.
"Love" is a fickle emotion and cannot be entirely depended upon. When I talk to teenagers, I call new love, 'lust,' because it gets the point across that it changes as you get to know the person better and better. Sometimes it becomes real love, and other times it becomes disdain.

TRUE LOVE NEVER CHANGES, even when you or the other person does, true love will remain!

I believe that a lot of yourself should have already been invested into a relationship BEFORE an engagement is even proposed! Then, there's "all that time" it takes getting to the alter, if the groom can handle his "bridezilla" (as she is affectionately being called these days). I know it doesn't always go that way. Some people wake up with a hangover and a wedding band (and sometimes these relationships actually work!)!
But a wedding or a divorce should not be based on whether you FEEL loving, happy, sad, or angry toward someone at that moment.

If it were that easy, my husband and I would have been divorced within 3 months of getting married, if I could have put up with him that long! But I had so much invested with him. He was the first man I had ever stayed with for longer than 3 months (2 years and 4 months, to be exact, before we got married), he was the only PERSON I had ever told about some really bad things that happened to me when I was younger, I had a child with him, he had shared so much of himself with me, and I had fallen madly in True Love with him. He was a real jerk! But he was my jerk, and if he would just begin to allow the qualities that had made me fall madly in lust with him in the first place, to show again, then I knew we could work it out.

For me, as our relationship went on, I was in lust, and SLOWLY, as I began trusting him (Knowing I could completely humiliate myself in front of him and he would still show his face in public with me) more and more, lust gave way to the real thing...love. If I hadn't genuinely loved him, I would have left him before 3 months after our wedding had passed.

But we BOTH had to work hard to make things work. So hard as it is to admit it, I wasn't perfect, so not only did he have to, but I also had to change...if our marriage was going to stay together. And, it's rough figuring out just what to do when and it's even tougher to not fall back into old habits.

But if TRUE love is/was there, and BOTH parties involved are willing to DO what it takes, then, it's my opinion that it is worth every drop of sweat you BOTH put into the effort to save your marriage. And, when you have won this battle, the two of you will be stronger together than you ever could have imagined and better equipped to face the next battle that comes along. And with every battle you win the stronger you become, as a couple.

But it is an ongoing task to keep your love alive. Some people call it a flame or a fire. Part of the reason for that is, just like a fire that provides you with warmth, cooked food, and hot water you have to keep tending to the fire, otherwise, it will go out and you will no longer get warmth, cooked food, or hot water. But even if the fire goes out, a new one can be built...and in the same pit, too! What I mean is, even if your love for your husband/wife has gone out, you can still fall in love with him/her again! But if you want to keep the fires burning this time, you'll have to work at it...and so will your spouse.

Well, if anyone is still reading this, I'm surprised! I've accidently gotten up on my soapbox, playing Dr. Love! I'm not an expert in love, but I know what has happened in my relationship, and all of the above is what my experiences have taught me. Sorry about getting on the soapbox, though.

Fran, I am NOT saying that you are taking your marriage lightly. I think you've got your head screwd on right! He needs to SHOW you and not TELL you what he's willing to do, and the change needs to last longer than a week, a month, or a year...only a lifetime will be acceptable. Your decision is a hard one, I know because I've been in a similar situation and had a hard decision to make. If you choose divorce, it will be a well thought out and reasoned decision, not spur of the moment. Whatever happens, don't rely solely on your emotions to tell you what to do, they are far to fickle and dependant upon what is happening in the moment. Listen mostly to your head and your heart (or gut), then to your emotions, because they cannot be completely discounted.

Do, please, keep us posted.

Katie
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 01-10-2006, 12:06 PM
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Katie,
Thanks for that. I needed it. We have been doing alot better in fact we almost didn't move but we decided it would be best for now to go ahead and move for financial reasons as well. We have signed up for both marriage counseling and financial couseling so we should not have any excuse now! lol

Things have been alot better even though now we don't want to be apart.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 01-10-2006, 12:45 PM
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Txchef_fran, sorry to hear about your situation but glad to hear he is willing to give everything a try. You both are in my prayers. Please do keep us updated and May God Bless you both and the little one. I have been in a situation kinda like that but then again not b/c of a child. Only you know what you are feeling and wanting to do. I understand you taking a break from him to see if he is willing to change. I know it is hard b/c you love him so much. Just take one step at a time and have the Lord with you every step.

Hugs, Becky
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Old 01-11-2006, 07:32 AM
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Fran,
I am glad I have been able to help you, even if it's just a little. I am with everyone else....I will definately be praying that God will work in and through you, that you will allow Him to change you as necessary, that your husband will allow Him to change him as necessary, that your children will be able to grow up in a happy and stable home, knowing that both of their parents (and step-parents) love them very much! I will pray for peace, love, wisdom, and courage to reign in your home and in your daily lives.
Take heart, God WILL hear your prayers...and ours...He promises that where two or more are gathered together in His name, He will be there too. Let us all pray for the same thing. Tell us specifically what you want us to pray for you and your family so we can be more effective and of one accord when we pray for you.
God does not always answer when, where, or how we like, but He is always right when He does!
Katie
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Old 01-11-2006, 04:50 PM
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Txchef_fran, I hope all goes well for you. Will be praying that God is in your situation. I have been happily married for 28 years,but the first one lasted 6 years ...only because I couldn't let go. Let's hope you man has seen the light and truly is willing to do anything it takes. But if it is not in the cards remember no matter what ,either way, God has a plan for you. love and good luck
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Old 01-19-2006, 07:33 PM
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Haven't heard anything in a little while. How is everything going for you, Fran? I am praying for you.
Katie
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 02-16-2006, 10:07 AM
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Update

Sorry guys I have not been online alot and I just realized I was not subscribed to my own thread I guess because I didn't get emails.

I have been living with my parents for over a month now and things are okay. We started counseling last Monday. I am not sure which way it will go. My husband seems more distant as the days pass and less willing than in the beginning. He has not made much attempt to even see us other than the one night a week he has his son and we all meet so the kids and can see each other. I am still praying however I am not sure he is as "wanting" for our marraige to contine as I am. Seems more like a move to show that he "tried".

We will see I guess only time will tell. Moneywise he has not contributed to our bills at all. He has agreed to give me a certain amount for baby needs every other week but so far that agreed amount has been short twice in 3 paychecks.

Valentines day he didn't even call and cut me short when I called him.
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 02-28-2006, 06:27 AM
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Hey Fran,

I'm sorry to see all that is going on with you. I had bad marriage troubles a couple of years ago. We were very close to splitting, there was another woman, etc. I had no where to go, and he wouldn't leave. It was devistating.


I entered into therapy by myself, and it saved my life. I was so angry, depressed and hurt, If it wasn't for my girls I don't know what I would have done. After a while, as I began to change, my husband began to respond to the differance. He saw I was becoming strong, and he got scared. He realized that he was goin got loose me for real, and he changed too. He decided to go to marriage counselling with me, and we have been in therapy together for almost two years.

Our marriage is much better.. though there will never be the same intimacy as there once was. I think once trust is broken, it can't be fully repaired. I have forgiven him his shortcomings. He knows that I have changed, and that if he ever hurts me agin, that he will be out of our lives for good.

I have to say that keeping the marriage together was the right thing fo rme. I sacrificed a lot of dreams, but also gained a lot of strength. Financially I am more secure than if I had left him, and health coverage is important these days. I had decided even if we split, that I wouldn't have divorced him, because I needed the health coverage! lolol.. Sometimes you have to be practical, and follow your head instead of your heart.

Things between us are good. I know he does love me,,, or else he wouldn't still be here.. But I also know that I don't love him as passionately or deeply as I did before. I know that I will always keep the deepest part of my heart closed from him.. I will never be that vulnerable to the pain again. So it's sad that we lost something... somehting he never even realized he had until it was gone.

My advice is to be practical, and do what you need to do to support yourself and your daughter. Every woman's solution is different.
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