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Divorce Divorce can be an emptional and financial roller coaster. Talk about it with those who have been through it before.

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Old 03-30-2005, 07:52 AM
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Question Getting Past Divorce

I was married for 29 years and had 3 children. We did not have the perfect marriage, but everyone thought we did. I knew something was happening, but could not put my finger on it. As it turned out he was having affairs all the time we were married. I suspected one but not all that he admitted to. What I can not get over is the fact that it was happening right in front of me, and I was blind. The women he was with were all acquaintances, or so called friends, one was a step neice. I just can not seem to get over the fact that I was so blind. It has made me trust no one anymore, I did very little before. He has 2 kids outside of ours, one a so called friend, the other his sister in law, no tests were ever done but he admits this. It can go on and on, but it has been three years now and I still can not get over it...even though I am married to someone who is wonderful to me.
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Old 03-31-2005, 11:50 AM
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I can't imagine being hurt so deeply by someone you trust. I don't know if I could get over it, either. Have you tried counseling?

Hopefully the hurt will fade in time, as the bad memories are replaced with good ones with your current husband.
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Old 03-31-2005, 01:33 PM
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Hi Carol, I truly feel for you. This is my second marriage and we have been married for 13 years now, but even though its been that long and we are happy and I love my dh to death and he is great to me, I still at times revert back to the old feelings of inadequency my ex instilled in me that werent true. Or I may do something and think to myself Oh no dh is gonna kill me, because I was so conditioned from my first marraige to feel that way, once again in reality I know it isnt true. What Im tryig to say is it takes a long time to get over those things, longer for some than others, therapy may help, but I think you just have to learn to let go of the past and keep going forward. I know its hard sometimes and you were really hurt and decieved,but if your marriage now is good than accept it and enjoy it, and try not to look back. Its totally understandable how you are afraid to trust others, but try not to let the fear ruin anything for you.If you need to talk pm me any time, or I can send you my email addy, sometimes it takes a person that isnt so close to you to see the problem in a different way. Either way good luck , I know its hard but what I say to myself now is I would go thru it all again if I knew it would lead me to the great dh I now have.If that was gods way of bringing him to me so be it, because things happen for a reason, and take advantage of your life now, life is too short as it is.I have 2 beautiful GD's now and a great dd, and it makes me happy to know that I was able to move on and enjoy it all, and I know you will be able to do that too.
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Sandie
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Old 03-31-2005, 03:19 PM
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I truly feel for you and have been there also. What part have you not gotten over in the three years? Is it that you still love your ex husband and cannot get him out of your mind or is it simply that you have a hard time trusting people? If it is simply the trust then I think that is understandable and will take time. I think it is only natural to feel "I have been burned once and can surely be burned again." I think also that going through what you did diminishes ones self-esteem and it takes time to rebuild that. If it is that you cannot get your mind off of him then perhaps you should consult a therapist.
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Old 03-31-2005, 07:56 PM
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Your post broke my heart!

What stands out most to me, is the statement "I just can not seem to get over the fact that I was so blind."

I feel like giving you a big ((hug)) and reminding you that you didn't do anything wrong! You werent blind.. You'e making that harsh judgement of yourself based on hindsight.. which is the only way all things become clear..

Please don't blame yourself! YOU were not deficient in any way.. He injured you terribly. (as did the women who dared participate in this cruel deception.) And whatever sense of inadequacy you are feeling now is a result of the years of hurt and anger they caused you.. Not because of any inability to "see" on your part.

You were injured terribly by this experience.. What ever psychic scars you are carrying were put there by HIM, and are no fault of your own.

My gosh! The fact that you were able to open your heart again and build a new marriage shows me how wonderfully resillient you are. And I applaud you for picking yourself up and moving forward.

Don't let him hurt you anymore by indulging in self-blame.. Put the blame squarely where it belongs.. on him and those women. And see only what's ahead of you.. Leave the hindsight behind ..
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Old 04-01-2005, 06:12 AM
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Carol, I have been there too. As to the previous post about blaming the other women, well it may ahve decieved them also or some of them into the fact that he was not married. Do not feel like you are alone in this there are plenty of us in this boat. As to trust it takes time, but evedentely you trusted somenone enough to remarry already that alone is a big trust issue just to say "I do". As To trusting your ex there is nothing that says you have to! Mine still likes to play head games I just try not to talk to him unless I absolutely have to, luccky for me he moved out of state 4 years ago. Plus he signed over his rights so my husband could adopt Scott(didn't want to pay child support anymore). The past is the past remember it as that & look to the future & remember "today is a gift that is why it is called the present". If you are really having a lot of problems about this then I too recomend getting counseling, either from a professional or your pastor. My ex loved controlling everything & if yours does too then you are still gratifying that for him. I had a counselor tell me to make a pair of scissors with my fingers & when ever he started in & getting to me to cut those strings right in front of him, drove my ex crazy asking "what are you doing"? I told him protecting myself! From what? You! Dumbfounded him everytime but it deterred him from what he would be doing(or trying) to do to me. Which it did help. Now that my son is 19 I never talk to the man haven't in over 1 year. He calls my sons cell phone all the time & not my home number. Won't have to deal with him again until Scott gets married if he would even come back for that, he is more interested in his second family. Be strong for yourself because you can be & those 3 wonderful children you share. Make a point to only discuss the children with him also. I did that too, "if you want to talk about Scott I will be more than happy to talk to you, anything else you may speak to my husband about" drove him crazy also. And when he would try to talk about other things I would put Don on the phone, of course ex would hang up. Little things like that help take the pressure off of you & put it back where it belongs. These were all things that counslers had me do & boy did it save my sanity! Sorry so long, I guess I could write a book on this subject. Good luck!!!
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