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Old 12-23-2006, 12:50 PM
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Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Christmas!

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Christmas. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of pine and holly berries I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful red clay dirt from the front yard. The sticks and stones were their ideas.

3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Christmas, we will refrain from using the plastic Frankenstein plate and the Easter Bunny napkins from last Easter.

4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a Christmas tree.

5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Christmas, Santa and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at
5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of the Little Drummer Boy. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of the Little Drummer Boy, or that the drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table ... in a separate room ... next door.

7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional sugar cookies, complete with icing that has fingerprints on it. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.




Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Christmas. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.
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Old 12-23-2006, 01:49 PM
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All I can say is "Amen".

Truly hilarious! and somehow right on the mark.
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Old 12-23-2006, 03:52 PM
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Thanks Tami! I needed a good laugh today and that hits the spot lol.
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Old 12-23-2006, 07:12 PM
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That's great!
I really liked number 8 about the rolls lol
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Old 12-24-2006, 11:15 AM
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Tami that is the best,I really needed a laugh today...Thanks for sharing with us...
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Old 12-24-2006, 02:17 PM
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This is too cute!
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Old 12-25-2006, 01:42 PM
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I'm glad that everyone got a laugh from this. I thought that is was pretty funny and yet, descibed my family at the same time.

I am NOT the Martha Stewart type, no matter how hard I try!
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Old 12-25-2006, 02:05 PM
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That was really cute and brings back "memories" of when my DS's were young; and yes some of that story holds true! LOL Merry Christmas!
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Old 12-25-2006, 03:31 PM
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Martha sure didn't host dinner at my house this year!

Santa brought me a migraine for Christmas.

I managed to get through church on a "breakfast of champions" of 4 bites of toast and half a cup of coffee, plus an Excedrin. As soon as we got home, I was cheerily dressed in comfy sweatpants, a chennille sweater, and handmedown running shoes from Big DS.

I discovered that I'd forgotten to buy sour cream to make the onion dip, so the potato chips had to go naked.

But I served the bowl of chips in the living room and the guests never left the family room where the TV was, so they didn't notice!

Poppin' Fresh saved the day with crescent rolls as I didn't have it in me to bake any bread.

The potatoes were baked. Poke with a fork, bake, do nothing for an hour.

I completely forgot to make any dessert. So we had Christmas cookies and some of the Rocky Road fudge I had made to give away.

There's a mess all over the place and I don't even care! Pass the Excedrin.
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Old 12-25-2006, 04:43 PM
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Barbszy, I hope that you are feeling better soon!

Sounds like you did a good job to me!

My DH and DS have been plastered to the TV and to the PSP2 all day too.

I love football but I am wondering why we really need to have 2 major games on today.
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