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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 06-18-2003, 07:11 PM
mumtomany's Avatar
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thank you Janieb for your kind words


You are so right. First you need to get yourself safe. I'm sorry that the doctor your husband chose made you feel like that. Unfortunately your husband will not benefit by that because it will subconsciously give him an excuse for what he has done, and he needs to acnowledge that although THERE IS A REASON FOR HIS FEELING ANGRY,however there is no excuse for his behaviour towards you at all. I thank God that he is acnowledging that he as a problem. That is the first and most difficult step to take.

Your husband seems to be showing the typical signs of someone who cannot face having to accept the pain of knowing that he has done the same to you as was done to him. That is the next step, you being there with him shows that you can forgive and that will make him feel more angry because he will not be able to forgive himself yet.

I do agree that medication in anger management is suposed to supress the anger while he is dealing with it and if it is not doing that then it is no use.

I hope that you can stick with him and that he can learn to forgive himself as well as his father.

The only other thing I can offer is that I know a person who was sexually abused by her father but she was very angry and could not come to terms with it because she felt that he hadn't abused her enough. Yes she did!. I'll explain. When she was 8yrs old he was behind her said "look what you have done to me" grabbed her round the waist and pressed himself into her, hurting her back as he rubbed against her. She was in pain and because she didn't understand what he was doing but thought it must be a punishment for "what she had done to him??". He never did it again and it was never mentioned so she thought she must have done something really bad, it must have been her fault so she couldn't tell anyone. Over the next few years as she learn't more she became so embarrased as she realised the truth of what had happened but it was so long that she couldn't then bring herself to "confess" and felt that if she told someone they would say that because she had been fully clothed and he had not 'touched her below' then people would say that she wasn't abused. She was made to feel so guilty because of what he said and could not face the shame of people knowing what had happened. If he had raped her then she felt people would listen and she could begin to put the guilt onto him, but as she still has not made him face what he did, she lives a life where everyone thinks they are a happy father and daughter, when in reality she hates him for taking her innocence and making her live her life not trusting any man. She knows that she cannot start to forgive until he acnowledges what he has done but still fears that people will think that it wasnt bad enough for them to investigate. She feels that by telling me she has begun the process but does not think that she can tell anyonelse until her father dies incase he blames her or denies it. So you see the mental pain goes on and on.

Sorry I do go on and on, but what I am trying to say to you is that perhaps your husband cannot forgive his father because he may feel that the beatings were not harsh enough for him to have enough reason (in other peoples eyes) to be as angry as he is now.

I hope people reading this can realise that sometimes the physical damage done to children is easier to heal than the mental doubts and felings of low self esteem that builds up for years after the physical wounds have healed.
We have to help children understand that anything that violates their trust in adults and takes away their self-worth is an issue that must be faced.
We mustn't measure abuse, abuse is abuse IS ABUSE.

I hope this may help you
Your children never listen, but they sure do copy!!
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 06-18-2003, 07:20 PM
mumtomany's Avatar
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Location: England
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Don't be so defensive, you make a good Mum and Dad, your actions have proved that already, no one should question it.
And your DH is so right, have a good rest and take care. I'll have to hit the hay myself as its 4.21am here in England and my cherubs are up for school at 7am.
Will keep rooting for you and yours.
Your children never listen, but they sure do copy!!
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 07-16-2003, 03:30 PM
ctmom05's Avatar
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: southeastern CT
Posts: 15
children's mental health

You were all so eloquent in in sharing your stories, the support amongst families who are dealing wih special needs seems to be very unique.

We have more than one child with special mental health needs, all teenagers. Making treatment decisions can be very challenging, from telling your family doc something is amiss, to visiting an 8 year old,who has been inpatient(psych hosp) for over a year.

Throughout all of this, I have had to believe that I knew what I was doing in the decsion making processes. Might be that it was more intuition, than cold hard facts that guided us. I do know that parent to parent support is the mot wonderful thing.
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Old 08-10-2003, 07:13 PM
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Location: Louisville, Ky
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Sounds like Bipolar Disorder

Early Onset Bipolar can be shown in children as young as 4 yrs old, it's genetic and it only gets worst with age. You should find out if this is the problem, just a suggestion. My daughter suffers from that. She is 6, she cut her wrist twice and hears voices and sees things when not on meds. She becomes terrified of the dark, of being kidnapped, starts saying shes sick all of the time, has threatened to kill a boy, becomes hypersexual, and hyperactive at times. She hasn't been hospitalized but she is working her way to it real soon. She just started raging, it seems to progress with age. Her father was hospitalized by the time he was 7 until 19, in and out.

It's very difficult to watch your children go through, and especially when doctors/others don't always take you seriously. I hope you can get her re-evaluated with someone familiar with early onset bipolar disorder. There's a website called I am on there, I have to inorder to deal with her episodes. Also, read as much as you can on the subject. The Bipolar Child is the best one, but I am reading one called Bipolar Disorders, A Guide to Helping Children adn Adolescents by Mitzi Waltz, a mother whose daughter was diagnosised bp.

I wish you luck. I hope we can all get through this and that our children turn out healthy and happy!!!

Last edited by leasmom; 08-10-2003 at 07:27 PM.
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