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Old 02-22-2003, 03:31 PM
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In a heartbeat! The two have been together and are the only family they have known. To tear them apart is awful. What a wonderful gift you have been given with the chance to adopt him. And how wonderful to know that he will be coming into a loving home. There is no question, it is the right thing. I wouldn't even think twice if it were me. And they will be thankful for the gift of being raised together and never wondering what happened to the other sibling.
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Old 02-22-2003, 06:29 PM
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as the mother of five, and as someone who's background is in criminal justice and also social work.......oh, if you can possibly do it......DO IT. Don't worry about the money....if people only did it when they could afford it there wouldn't BE any kids, lol. I don't know about your state but most states now have financial assistance available for adoptions. The little boy would probably qualify since there is no blood tie to you. But like some of the others said, make sure that if you adopt, they are YOURS. Your fallback plan should be "If the problems are incredibly serious, where do we get help" not.....well, if worst comes to worst we can back out. Try to locate programs now that can help. New Mexico has an INCREDIBLE child abuse prevention program, where parents of children with diagnosed disabilities, emotional or physical, can get a certain number of 'relief' hours per year. No questions asked whatsoever....the caregivers are trained, you and the children spend time with them so you get to know them, and when you and hubby need a break, you schedule time off.....from an hour to two WEEKS.....the 'auntie' or 'uncle' comes and gets them....takes them out, to movies, for pizza, and keeps them UNTIL YOU ARE READY again. It is very non-threatening, and you can make arrangements for them to meet with your counsellors if you feel better. My youngest child has some severe problems and this type program is incredible. A lot of parents are nervous about it.....but it is great. See if your state has a 'respite' care. If not, see if you can line up an understanding relative in advance, for when you need a break. And then, sweetheart, GO FOR IT. My sense is that if you guys do not, you will always wonder. And remember......one of the children is 'his'...but, at this age, children only understand brothers and sisters, not biological situations. The little girl has a brother, and he has a sister, and that is how they see it, they don't look at steps and halves and biological this and thats. My 5 kids had 2'step' brothers, and all seven kids perceive themselves as, you got it, one big family, even though the boys' dad and i divorced when the boys were in their early teens. They STILL call back and forth, visit, tease.....love knows no bounds, hon. You guys have a chance for such a wonderful blessing. . If you want some more ideas for resources, don't hesitate to email me......oh, I cried reading all these!
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Old 02-23-2003, 02:52 AM
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the kids

although it may seem like a huge undertaking, try and take both. Think of trying to tell the 6 year old that you cannot keep her brother, only her. I'm no expert, but I think that she would feel much more secure. You will be the ones demonstrating family love, sacrifice, and all of that. the 3 year old will become yours, too.
Don't be afraid to talk about the adoption, altho other kids may think of negative connotations, be open and matter of fact.
More than one child takes a little time to get used to, but soon, you won't remember life any other way. And some days when you're feeling like you need a break from the kids, you'll seperate from them for a few hours, and can't wait to hold them. It's a big step, but this is where we grow.
take care.
Kathy
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Old 02-23-2003, 06:29 AM
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I would first like to say congrats on your upcoming marriage.

Second, put yourself in the kids shoes. If these siblings are close, then how would you feel if your brother went to live with a foster family he didn't know.

If you can do it great. Keep them together. You and your fiance have the final word though. Don't forget the power of prayer.
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Old 02-23-2003, 04:08 PM
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shocking

but keep us up to date on what you finally do, okay? you go, girl!
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Old 02-25-2003, 03:37 AM
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Brother and sister together

Oh, yes, adopting this little boy is the right thing to do. Be prepared for testing behaviour - all children test, it's how they learn, even the most adorable "easy" children - but you will be rewarded every single day. Children WANT to please the grownups around them and your new children will want to please you. This will sometimes conflict with their need to test and experiment but you are the grownups and you can set the limits of what is acceptable and what isn't, and when you all get used to that you will all have such moments of pure happiness that the hard moments will seem like nothing.

Honestly, with children, if you simply meditate about them quietly for 15 minutes a day - or night! :-) - you will see what they need from you and when you provide it they will blossom.

Love is about learning to love; it is hard work; it is about using your willpower and your patience and your self-control with your husband-to-be and your children - but you get used to the work and the rewards are staggeringly wonderful. Sometimes you'll just cry, your life will be so beautiful because of these children.

Get that little boy into your family as soon as you can - he will thank you the rest of his life because you CHOSE him, you showed him you really wanted HIM and not just his sister. And in a day and age when boys get thrown on the trash heap all the time, sadly, you have a chance to stand out against throwing people away.

God bless you all, all your lives.

Timmmama
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Old 02-25-2003, 09:11 AM
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I feel that siblings should never be separated. How could you tell your step-daughter that you didn't try and get her brother? I don't know if I could live with the repercusions that she was worth it and he wasn't. Regardless of her parentage, they are family and family means everything. When you guys are gone she's going to need family and he is her brother after all. That's my opinion. I've seen in my own family, b/c of divorce, how some people weren't worth as much b/c they weren't part of their family just b/c someone got married to someone else. It's a very painful way to live and very confusing for children. I think you guys owe it to your dd to preserve family in any way possible. I don't mean to be offensive or harsh, it's just that I've felt and seen the devistation of "not belonging" or being told someone else isn't good enough b/c of their family connections or lack thereof. I know this must be very difficult for you guys, being engaged and then having a ready made family, but the benefits will far outweigh the consequences.
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Old 02-25-2003, 11:06 AM
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Should we keep brother and sister together?

Sorry it's been a while. A lot going on. Well, first off I deeply appreciate all the responses I have been getting on this topic. It's definitely helped.

To clear some things up: My fiance and I have been telling my stepdaughter that we are trying to have her brother live with us. That's one reason him and I have been going back and forth to MA to court. As it looks now the state is going forth in ridding the rights of the mother to the 3 year old. We are in the process now of getting authorization of weekend visits. This way the little boy can visit for the weekend. This is the first step.

From talking to the social worker this little boy is having a hard time. Which I can't blaim him. He is getting moved again to another home that can deal more one on one with him due to his behavioral problems. He has no discipline training which is expected. He was locked in his room repeadedly b/c the mother did not want to handle him. But he also has other problems due to the cocaine use of the mother. This also ties into his behavrioral problems. This is something my fiance and I are thinking about if we do decide to adopt him. I would have to quit my job (which we can't afford to do) to give this boy the attention he needs. Besides the love, affection and disipline that we would give him regardless. Would it be better for him to be with someone that can do that for him 24/7? And maybe somehow have sibling visits? Or be with two working parents that can only give him what he needs part of the day? I know I can enroll him in a jump start program or daycare sort of thing to help him and his problems. But then I feel like I'm cheating him. I have no problem being a stay home mom. I love kids with all my heart and would have my own if I was already married and had my own place. But living on one income is something that I don't believe is the smart thing to do right now.

We are still also going to court for my stepdaugther. Their are so many steps to take. First Juvenile court then do it all over again in Probate court. It's get's real confusing.

As it looks now my stepdaughter will be with us for good. Which is a terrific thing. She gets settled in day by day. She likes her new school and her new room. Her and I have a wonderful relationship which I cherish. She can not get enough of her Moma Jenn She hugs me and kisses me all the time. What I have a hard time dealing with and I'm learning to deal with minute by minute is when her mom calls to talk to her, leaves her messages on the machine or when we all are together for a visit. My blood boils. I understand that's her mom no matter what. But I get real defensive and I just don't want my stepdaughter to go through any more pain and sadness.

Confused....
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Old 02-25-2003, 11:20 AM
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Oh Niff how I wish I could put you in touch with a lady I know! She and her husband adopted 2 children who are from backgrounds similar to this 3 yo. Unfiortunately the son is getting ready to have surgery this Friday.

Please please follow your heart on this one. If you are a believer in prayer then do that. This is a HUGE decision and not one to be taken lightly nor spontatenously. There are so many angles to consider, finances being a very big one. If you do take him you may well need to find something to do at home to bring in income. Are you in a position to do this? And as always do you feel you can love him in spite of all the problems? This poor little guy has been through so much in his life and he asked for none of it. He deserves a loving home where his problems can be dealt with.

I feel so bad for all of you because no matter the decision you make, there will be problems to deal with. If you decide not to take him I hope he is at least close enough for visits or at least contact between him and his sister.

God bless you all. You and your fiance ARE very special people. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Please let us know how things progess even if it's a while in between.

Jayne
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Old 02-25-2003, 02:37 PM
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blushing

oh Niff, you already have the mom thing down pat, you already have all the guilt! (I am laughing). Don't EVER feel guilty about using programs like Jump Start or Head Start, hon. You keep your job if you want. Jump Start and Head Start and Early Head Start are designed as early intervention programs, hon. They are THERE just for situations like yours. My Angel is so much better for having been through early head start and head start. I will always credit them with helping me raise my Angel. I thank the Great Creator that he led me to them when I was looking for a job, because my heart opened up to what they can do, and to LETTING them help me with Angel. Many of Angel's problems are similar to that of a child with a cocaine mom, though the reason differs. They were able to put me in touch with a doctor who specialized in 'difficult' children, and he put in HOURS just 'teaching' her to allow herself to be SEEN by a doc. They put me in touch with medical specialists, helped coordinated with the main doctor, helped locate counselling for her, and for me.....they looked through their whole system here to find the best teacher placement for her.....I hope that this gives you some hope, and takes away the guilt you are already feeling. If you have the desire, and the little guy's sister, then with help you guys will be able to do it, without worrying about whether or not you need to quit your job. (Remember too, that socialization is frequently a problem for children with backgrounds you described, and jump start and headstart is a very non-threatening way for a child to socialize. It is FAR more difficult for them them to wait until they are school age.)

Say your prayers, open your heart for the answer, look into those four little eyes, and you will have your decision, dear. Good luck.
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