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Old 03-14-2008, 05:04 PM
mommyof_3's Avatar
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Confused and not sure what to do!

Well not sure where to begin. I have three children. My oldest dd is 15 yrs old and sees her father all the time. My dd that is 5 yrs old doesn't know her father and I didn't know at the time that I was pregnant when her fahter and I broke it off. We never even got married.

Then my husband came along and we started dating. I found out that I was 5 months along. He has been there from day one. We have not told her anything about this. 2 yrs ago we got married and had a little boy. My son and I have my husbands last name and now my youngest dd wants hers to be the same also.

We have talked about adoption and/or just chaning her name. Her real father does not konw anything about her at all. It has been hard because she is always bringing it up that she has a different name.

My problem is when do we tell her that he is not her father? She only knows him as her father and nothing else. I am worried that someone will tell her before my husband and I can do that. Is there a right age to talk to a child about it?
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Old 03-14-2008, 05:19 PM
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mommy of 3, how blessed you are to have 3 children and a loving husband!

I have no idea what the experts will say.

I would tell your dd who is 5 the facts and let her questions about it guide how much you tell, sounds like she already has some inklings, she won't understand it at the adult level but she will understand that she heard it first from you, that kind of trust will count for more in later years as she begins to sort out the rest of the story. If she is 5 and in school then she already knows about different parents and all, so it probably is time.
Ellen in PA

"God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, power, and a sound mind."
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Old 03-15-2008, 04:18 AM
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Well she is use to seeing her older sister going to her fathers and my step daughter coming and leaving here. There was one time when she was 4 and asked why she didn't leave to see her dad. We told her that her dad is here so there was no need. At that age I thought that was the best to say. She is not questioning about her dad. Just why she has my maiden name and not my husbands.
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Old 03-21-2008, 01:57 AM
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Tell Her ASAP

Mommyof 3, tell her, as soon as you can. Like now! And, one thing to maybe do is, to lead her in the direction of your current husband is her Daddy, not her father? Anyone can be a father, it takes someone speical to be a daddy!

I am/was in your same situation with my oldest DD. We waited until she was 14, big mistake. She is/was devastated that we "lied" to her all those years.

And after talking to her, let her decide if she would still like to have the same last name as you and your DH, than take it from there. If you do not have a father listed on her birth certificate you should not have to get consent for your DH to adopt her. But, my understanding is you will still have to go through all the proceedings just like an adoption.

When I was young, I always said I wanted to be someone...I guess I should have been more specific!
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Old 03-21-2008, 05:55 AM
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Since your daughter is asking questions now I would talk to her about Daddy not being her sperm donor. If you don't tell her someone else will like maybe your older daughter by accident since she knows the story.

You will need to tell her what she wants to know about her father as she grows and has more questions.

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Old 03-21-2008, 09:35 AM
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I think since there is no other father in the picture that she needs to be adopted by her "Daddy". Then she should know that she was adopted because he loved her even before she was born. My dauhter in a fit of rage told her daughter that her daddy was not her real father, even though he also married my daughter when she was pregnant and he put his name on the birth certificate.. It was a horrible thing to do to her daughter. Tell her in a loving way before it is told to her by an outsider, etc.
Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. ~ R Waldo Emerson
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Old 03-21-2008, 12:33 PM
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Yes, I feel you need to talk to her now. I watched this happen with our nephew. Someone else told him his father was not his bio father. It was awful. It really messed up our nephew. As for changing the last name, make it into a party , something to celebrate?
Don't stay were you are tolerated, go where you are celebrated!
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Old 03-21-2008, 01:24 PM
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I agree with the others. Tell her as soon as possible like now. Keep it simple like she was already growing in you tummy when you met her daddy and he loved her to. Secrets always come back to haunt. My sister adopted her grandson and all heck broke lose when he found out the truth at an older age.
A Great Attitude Becomes a Great Mood, Which becomes a Great Day , Which Becomes a Great Year, Which Becomes A Great LIFE

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Old 03-21-2008, 07:03 PM
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We adopted my youngest daughter and although our intentions were to tell her soon. We kept putting it off. She found out from a brother who didn't live with us and he though she already knew. I would give anything to have that time back so I could do it differently.
Whatever you decide,I wish you love and prayers.
Grandchildren are Gods way of compensating us for growing old.
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Old 03-21-2008, 07:20 PM
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I would strongly suggest you tell her now before she is a teen.
Long ago I dated a guy that learned the dad that brought him up was not his dad. it almost destroyed him and it did destroy what we had together. For he left to go find his dad, when he came back it was to late for him and I to get back together.
He was in 20's...
He always said if he was told as a younger person he could handle it better.

My youngest gd doesn't know her dad, and she desperate want a daddy...
your little girl will know that this person that she knows as daddy loves her, it will also help her to understand why her name is different.

right now to her with having a different last name could do more harm in not allowing her to know why it different. She could even be thinking without knowing it " do they love me if so why is my name different" What goes on in a child little mind that they never express can be deep roated. I've been there with my 2 granddaughters who are now 9, and 8.

Telling her is the best thing, and then allow her to know this daddy loves her just like his own...
Not sure how your laws are on changing names without the real dad's approval but here a DND has to take place and things. It not that easy..

I grew up with a step dad that I knew loved me more than my real dad.. to me my step daddy was my daddy.. my husband took my kids on at the ages of 4 and 8, they know that their step dad loves them just like his own.. and they have a close bond to him.

Remember anyone can be a parent but it takes someone special to me mom or dad.

wishing you the best in this situation sweety.
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