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Old 11-04-2004, 08:02 PM
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I am hoping that some one can help?

My husband and I adopted two children, siblings nearly 6 years ago.. they were from a very abusive home and had a very rough start. The oldest, a girl was left in charge of caring for her brother from the day he was brought home from the hospital until the day they were removed from the home which was about 3 years. She was 6 when he was born. Now the children are 11 and 18. They both have RAD which is reactive attatchment disorder which makes it almost impossible for them to attatch to us emotionally. Since the get go we have had multiple problems with both children such as verbal and physical abuse to all other family members and each other, death threats, two attempts from the youngest to cause bodily harm to us, fire starting, stealing, lying, willful disobedience, the list goes on and on..
Now is when things get trickier. Because of some of the behaviors the little one has acted out, he was removed from our home and placed into a residential treatment facility for over a year with regular visits to home to transition him back here. He did well and was released to our care a few months back, but is still on court supervision. His last court date was a few days ago and we thought it went well. THOUGHT that is! He returned home from court in a sour mood, and slipped back into old behaviors again. He was removed from our home today and put back into residential treatment , and we are unsure of the length of time he will be staying this time.
Our adopted daughter just turned 18 this week and is really a handful ! Part of it is the age, I know.. we do have other children and one of them is older than she is .. also it wasnt that long ago that I was a teen and can remember the attitude I had at that time.. so some of this is typical , but .... she continues to be disrespectul, assumes that since she is of age, she no longer needs to follow any rules at home and can be her own person, when ever and how ever she wants but expects us to treat her as some goddess. She is indifferent to her brother and actually resents him. I can understand the frustration of being sole care giver to a small child when she was a small child herself, and those days are gone, but continue in her mind.. she only sees her brother as a burden, no matter how he behaves or what he does. I think in some cases, it is better for siblings to be seperated when adopted especially when they hold animosity towards one another like these two do, but the fact is they are together, we desperately want to make this work and raise all of our children to be well adjusted individuals. I feel badly for the little guy since life has been difficult for him, but then, he does make things harder for himself than they have to be. I hate being seperated from him, but I do know he is getting help he desperately needs while away by trained proffessionals. I wish there was a way to help these two appreciate each other and the rest of us, their family, but both seem to push us away . I am burned out, frustrated, and hurt. I know the older daughter needs to get out and learn some tough lessons in the world but fear that she will never be ready since she possesses the mind set of a small child even though she is a very ACADEMICALLY smart girl. She has no grasp on reality what so ever and thinks the world owes her big time since she was ill treated as a youngster. Any one else going through any of this and able to offer any advice? Prayers will certainly be appreciated at any rate.
thank you for letting me vent hope I didnt confuse anyone .
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Old 11-06-2004, 02:22 PM
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In my opinion, the scope of your problems are way beyond anything we can advise to fix it. I would heartly suggest that you seek a family counselor.... because this affects the entire family. There are therapies and programs to help you and the PROFESSIONAL is the best to guide you and your husband in dealing with these matters.....

Good Luck.....
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Old 11-06-2004, 05:54 PM
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Hi, We also adopted two children. One has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). We took her to a therapist that specializes in RAD. It helped alot and she attached to use. She does still have attachment issues. These will probably never go away. We have alot of the same problems that you have but ours are younger than yours. Every day is a struggle. I pray alot about it. The oldest (9) goes to therapy every week, and is on medicine for bipolar. Major challenge. We weren't prepared for any of this when we adopted them. Apparently these problems are common in children that were neglected or abused when they were young. Loretta
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Old 11-06-2004, 06:04 PM
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Hi,

I agree with Jeanie this is out of your hands. This is beyound you. Pray to God for help. He will see you through. I have had problems with my kids but nothing you are going thu. My heart goes out to you. Get all the professionals you can get your hands on because not all "professionals" are what they are cracked up to be. God will bless you for the love you have for these children. Please remember God will see you through even though, it gets REAL rough.

P. S. Sometimes parents just have to let their children go. For the better of the whole family. Sometimes you just cant love them enough to make them WELL. Just remember GOD LOVES THEM ENOUGH tO SEE IT ALL THROUGH. God loves us all. And that includes you MOM.
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Old 11-06-2004, 06:17 PM
kellyandkids
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tough love

Is there a tough-love boot camp for young adults? I'd hate for her to take off. Little brother needs her to grow up and model some normal behavior for him.

Don't think you alone in this. My kids have been mine since day one and number 2 still resents the younger one despite the 5 year difference. Let me know when you figure out the magic key.

Time for her to start paying rent. How about finding her a live on site-job where there's no TV and a lot of work to do. I have a friend who does foster care and hires help. That much work to benefit others could change her perspective on life. Is that possible for her?

You have my prayers!
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Old 11-06-2004, 07:37 PM
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where is the live in job site? Give us some details about that.
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Old 11-06-2004, 08:15 PM
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I live so up the Mississippi River it goes west to east - that makes it central Minnesota. Would that work for you? See if there is a similar situation closer to you thru your social services contacts.

I don't know anything about a non-attachment condition. But I believe in hard work. Sounds like she needs to be kept more busy to have less change to be in trouble.

Is there a cause she would volunteer for? Did she go thru this developmental phase?
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Old 11-07-2004, 05:18 AM
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Thank you ladies for your responses, and it sure does make me feel better that we arent the only ones going through this, and at the same time it makes me sad to hear the same news. I pray about this all of the time, and have for years, I feel like I am missing some thing, maybe God is speaking to me and I dont completely understand what it is that he wants me to do? I know He wants our entire family to be happy.
As for help for the 18 yr old, the county wont help us with her since she hasnt had any contact with the police they wont get involved. We BEGGED for help of any kind before police contact was neccessary for the little guy and the county refused to help. Only did we recieve any help after three police contacts, that is very very sad. We did however take him to "professionals" who did nothing but sit and watch us interact. No advice was offered what so ever. they just wanted to know what we were doing, and said "Gee, looks like you are doing everything right, just keep on doing it " you are definately right when you say professionals are not what they are cracked up to be.
when the little guy is in the Treatment residential care, we are required to pay child support at such a high rate that we cannot afford to think about family therapy to help him transition back into the home, which I feel is very important. The system seems awfully broken to me.
As for boot camps, we did look into that a couple of years back and the cost is prohibitive to most people.
Now on to the other suggestion, a live in site for work. she has tried to get four live in positions for babysitting, a nanny is what they call it, but in all four situations, it has been people she hardly knows, they originally agree, but as the date draws near, t he couples all backed out and offered some excuses as not to take her in. In all of the cases, its been HER idea that these people need a nanny, and in most cases, she has scared them off by calling their homes every 3 or 4 minutes each and every single day "stalking" them almost.
There is one thing most people dont seem to understand, but RAD children are particularly bold to strangers and dont have a problem propositioning any stranger for a "deal" or to "make a stranger feel sorry for them with a pity story"
There are so many things missing from a RAD childs mind that most children learn as toddlers, and you just cant put your finger on what those things are, or how to inject them into the child you just know that some thing is missing..
My husband has decided against charging our daughter any rent as she already possesses an attitude of resisting all rules at home.. he feels that if she pays rent she will be worse and expect us to put up with it since she is contributing.. however, we have forced her to pick up a job and she is required to pay us for gas for all trips to and from work, she must use the laundry mat for her clothing at her own expense rather than use our washer/dryer ( so she can learn that it is her job to do it and it costs money that way when she moves out its some thing she already knows she needs to budget)
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Old 11-10-2004, 06:00 PM
kellyandkids
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Wash and dry at the laundromat - great intermediate step idea!

How about a percentage of a utility rather than rent. I just fear she will become a lights-off police or keep turning the thermostat down to nothing. Phone bills, insurance or cable tv are very static bills.

Make a plan that every 2-3 months she steps up a responsibility level. If she saves, you could constribute - in a separate account - towards a rent deposit.

I've heard others say that social services aren't there when you want them and in your facae when you don't. I don't have a very high opinion of social workers. More than one friend has had a stupid comment by a social worker ruin all their work with a child.

Try a Christian therapist thru your church. OK, I'm making a presumption here. But God doesn't have a space in the Bible for "I'm a victim of my circumstances". Your choices are your choices ultimately.

My kids are younger but one is going to have to buy her own socks from now on. Small steps - even if it is in filthy socks.
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Old 11-16-2004, 10:29 AM
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Hi, How are you holding up? Are you taking time with your husband away from the kids? Are you getting any time to relax? Sometimes the children just wear you down and the problems are harder for you to handle when you are tired. RAD is a very difficult problem to deal with. Have you read any of the books on RAD? I have some at home. I can look up the titles for you if you are interested. What state are you in? Loretta
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