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Adolescence That fiery time prior to your child becoming a teenager. Their bodies are filled with hormones and turmoil. How are you coping?

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Old 08-19-2002, 09:09 AM
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Kids won't stop fighting!

I have two dd's, one is 8, the other is 12. They have spent the summer fighting. Constant bickering and even occasional slapping. It doesn't matter what I do or what I threaten, within a couple of hours, they are back at it again!!!

It's the sarcasm that I hate the most. One will ask the other for something and instead of a simple answer, they reply with sarcasm. Then it ends up in a fight.

I've tried taking away priveleges and they are okay for a while, but then it starts back up again.

What about rewarding them for good behavior? If I hear them being nice, I'll reward them in some way? But what way? Money? Extra TV time? Trip to the mall? The problem with this is that we don't really have extra cash to give out. I'm looking for a really good reward that will make them "want" to be nice to each other.

Occasionally we'll go through a couple of days where they seem to play well together, but then all he** will break lose and they are at each other's throats!

Any and all suggestions are welcome!!!!

Bev
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Old 08-19-2002, 10:17 AM
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My friend had two sons the same age and they too are always at each others throats.

She has tried everyone on earth. Nothing works. I think it is ijust those ages. The one thing that helps a tiny bit is she will dial her husbands number at work and that scraes them for a while. When it gets real bad, she will call him and he yells at them via the phone.


Sometimes she even waits for him to walk in the door and then the kids get it.


I know I did not help you but at least you know you are not alone.

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Old 08-23-2002, 08:35 PM
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Umm..sounds like they have too much time on their hands...

Give them a scrub brush and pail of water and have them do
some floor scrubbing....and if that isn't enough...tiles in the bathroom....they'll be too tired to fight.....*s*

Even though they are sisters, there is bound to be some friction, but, perhaps, after chores, and they should be doing something in that vein, maybe separate activities.....scouts or something similar.....they need to work off that excess energy....but house work is an amazing amazing tool......
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Old 08-23-2002, 10:27 PM
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Similar issue

My girls are basically the same age as yours. The older one will sometimes begin the sarcastic attitude towards her sister when she begins to feel "invaded" or overwhelmed by her sisiter's presence. The younger one does it when she feels "bossed" or treated like an "idiot" in general.

We have a zero tolerance policy to nasty sarcasm. ( Not to mention hitting). No one in our household speaks to each other in this manner. Not my husband and I ..not the kids, not even as a joke. Negative arcasm is not used here, I believe it is one of the worst ways you can talk to a child. It is demeaning and humiliating and undercuts ego and respect.

Now, I realize, this is not the popular opinion. Most people use negative sarcasm in humor and in family gesting. I supose my daughter picks it up at school or her friends homes. So I might not be the right one to offer the best advice but,,,

It usually starts when she feels she has no free space from her little sister that the behavior starts. ( they share a bedrooom).

Here, it seems to be fueled by frustration or contempt, or simple overexposure.

Maybe they need more time apart or more privacy?

I don't know if this helps or not.
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Old 08-24-2002, 02:40 AM
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This is a normal phase that all children go through is just a part of growing up. It is definitely hard on you though. I talked to a counseling friend and she recommends the following.
Let them resolve the problem themselves. This is how it would go: They are fighting. You walk in and say the following: "You have 10 minutes (whatever time frame your comfortable with) to resolve this between yourselves. If after 10 min you do not resolve your problem then I will resolve it." Then walk out do not interfere for the time period, not word or action on your part. This allows them to find a resolution between them. At first it will be hard but the lesson will eventually kick in. If they havent' resolved in 10 minutes then start dishing out discipline. I would put them in timeout for them to cool off then I personally like the chore thing. Separate them to different areas of the house and let them do chores. Also take away priviledges. You must make the discipline big enough for them to remember so the next time this happens they will think twice and be quick to resolve. As the the nasty talking you must be the leader in this situation. You must help them to set healthy boundaries. You may need to do this several times but I would sit down and talk to them and tell them talking mean to each other is not permitted in this family and if it happens then priviledges will be taken away and apology issued by the offender. Be persistent in your actions never waiver they are looking to you to help them set the tone of it, and help them set thier boundaries (this will help them in the real world also). Remember children's neurological connections are not fully formed until the age of 18-20 that is why we constantly have to repeat everything to them. As for rewards do like they do in my nephews preschool class, adopt a star system they receive so many stars for good behavior and they get a gift certificate to McDonalds, a movie/game of their choice. Alone time with mommy or daddy to play a game of their choice etc. Craft time. Go to the 1$ store and pick up some little treats I have found the kids enjoy the little things the most. The things that make them feel special. Like exclusive time with Mom or dad to take a nature hike etc. Good luck.
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Old 08-24-2002, 03:20 AM
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Kids won't stop fighting!

I have 5 boys ages 7-11-13-14 and 15 next month. I'm right with you when it comes to fighting. There is almost constant bickering at our house. Two of these boys are my biological children (the 11 year-old and the soon to be 15 year-old) and three are therapeutic foster children. The 14 year-old has been here over 2 years, the 13 year-old has been here 1 1/2 months and the 7 year-old has been here 7 months.

What's tough for me is I was raised as an only child so I didn't know anything about "sibling rivalry". It was mostly calm and quiet. -Nothing like now. Believe me, I'm not complaining. My husband and I took these boys in to rescue them from terrible lives. We don't regret it at all. It just gets tough at times.

One thing we try to be consistant at is if they are arguing over the Play Station, I give them 5 minutes to work it out, if they have not reconciled or come to an agreement, neither one plays it that whole day. We have a little bike track in our back yard with small jumps, etc. If their are 3 or 4 arguing over it... they better take care of the problem in 5 minutes or no one rides on it that day.

I sure am open to any other ideas. I'm thinking of every nasty comment or dig to another person costing $1. It's just so hard to keep track because I'm not with them 24/7. A lot of these foster children have an issue with swearing and each bad word is $3. That one works.

Good luck!
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Old 08-24-2002, 04:53 AM
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Hello:
Keep them busy. Give them certain chores to do daily and a reward when completed. Consistency is the key. Good luck!
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Old 08-24-2002, 05:22 AM
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I have the same troubles except my children are 5, 3 and 1. The 5 and 3 yr old are just CONSTANTLY fighting...either they are best of friends or worst of enemies. I find that if they start their behavior that they spend some "alone" time in their room. Once, my son was so argumentative that I kept him in his room ALL day. He has improved a bit since because he knows that being in there all day is just horrible for him. Although it may be annoying for you, put them in their room All day, only allowing them out for a meal or bathroom.

Get them involved in a volunteer program. Maybe they need to see how good they have it at home.
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Old 08-24-2002, 05:52 AM
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Lifestar, I wish we could adopt the zero tolerance for sarcasm! I would love that one. My husband is the one that uses the sarcasm and I'm sure that's where they get it from. His whole family is like that! It drives me nuts when we go to his parents house and his brother, sister and their families are there! You can't even have a normal conversation with all the sarcasm flying around. I personally hate it, absolutely hate it.

I try my best not to use it, and I'm hoping that the girls will pick up on it.

Everyone gave some great ideas and I'm going to try a few. Thank you so much!!! School starts on Monday, so they'll be apart from each other most of the day. They don't even ride the same buses because the older one is in Middle School and the younger still in Elementary.

Hope all of you have a great school year too!!!

Bev
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Old 08-24-2002, 06:55 AM
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bevspartyfun

Hi, my kids are 11, 12 and soon to be 15 . The two oldest are girls and they bicker back and forth 24/7 , don't get me wrong here my son can also bicker right in there with the girls lol . I just seperate them and dole out the chores. I have also found that with all of them that rewarding the good behavior works great. Here is what i do on our tight budget.
I print off a calendar for each of them . I then divide each day into two ( morning and afternoon) . When there is no fighting , bickering etc i put a check mark in the square for that time period ( be it mornig or afternoon) . They have to get so many check marks IN A ROW to get a reward. Now the reward is not anything wild like a shopping spree or a new car it is something simple like choosing what we have for dinner , or where we goon the next family outting or even a pack of gum. You can use stickers on the calendar if you like but i just use check marks as i can never find stickers when i need them lol It works for me but what works for me may not work for you . It is just an idea and i hope it helps you Oh i have now started adding 'Bonus' checks if they do the chores they are supposed to do without being asked ( clean their rooms , pick up in their rec room , etc)
Just my 2 cents worth

Sue
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