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Adolescence That fiery time prior to your child becoming a teenager. Their bodies are filled with hormones and turmoil. How are you coping?

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Old 12-16-2004, 01:39 PM
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20 year old seeking advice from parents

Hey. I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to be asking for such advice, but there don't seem to be many websites out there aimed toward helping young adults relate to their parents.

I am a 20 year old college student who gets along with her parents very well, and the issue isn't really about me. It's about my boyfriend. He is also 20 and his parents have problems with treating him like an adult.

He goes to a college where most people live on campus, but his parents force him to live at home and commute half an hour each way in busy traffic (which I, coming from a small town, wouldn't even feel safe or comfortable driving in at all). They fail to realize the effect this has on him. The other students at his college create friendships by living together, and living at home has had a huge negative impact on his social life. WHile most of his friends from high school are out of town, his parents are making him attend a local college and live in their house. This is sad to me because he is a very intelligent guy who would be capable of doing well at a much better school than they're having him attend. Because they're so unwilling to let go, he's not realizing his full academic potential.

Their rationalization for this is that they don't have money, but my family has less than his and, throught the help of financial aid, is still managing to send me to an expensive private school far from home. According to his parents, the financial offers they received from other colleges aren't good enough. But if that's the case, I fail to understand how they are able to send each of his four younger siblings to pricey Catholic primary and secondary schools.

None of this would be so bad if they weren't so restrictive of him socially. They try to make him come home at midnight. When he spends the night at a friend's dorm because he's too tired to make the trek home late at night, they give him hell. They expect him to work two jobs and take 18 credits' worth of classes every semester. Then they pick on him because he doesn't have any extracurriculars. The biggest blow is that he recently got a C in his English class. He tells me he can probably kiss his social life goodbye for a while. He has four A's, a B, and this C this semester for a total GPA of 3.6, but that doesn't matter. They will yell at him for not working hard enough even though half the time that is because he is watching their other kids for them.

I can understand this kind of limitation on a high school student. But he is 20. He is an adult. This situation is so baffling to me because I have parents who don't interfere in my personal decisions. They realize that I am grown up and capable of thinking for myself. When I am home from college, I can stay out as late as I want provided that I don't create a disturbance when I come in. Nobody else our age is saddled with this kind of pressure. So I ask you parents for advice--how would you tell him to handle this situation? What can he do? Though he is an adult, he is still quite financially dependent on his parents, so he has to tread lightly. Thanks a lot.
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Old 12-17-2004, 01:42 PM
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wustlmolly,

I will give my 2¢ even though I do not have kids in college yet. My daughter is only 6 months old but I did come from a strict family like your boyfriends family sounds. The truth is unless he plans to support himself financially then he needs to do whatever his parents want him to do. Yes he is an adult but no they do not have to pay for his college. I know because I started ruflign feathers saying, "I am an adult, yada yada yada" when I was in college and my parents said "fine then you pay for it" TRUST ME... he will be much better off living with a few rules while in college and being able to financially FINISH college than wanting freedom so bad he gives it all up.

Yes people do need to socialize but the hard truth is no one ever died from not getting to party in college.

His family may not have the money to pay for him to live off campus especially since you said they sent 2- or 3 others to school?? That is a huge financial bind. You don't know their situation so you can't really say if they could afford it or not. Tehy may still be paying for the other kids schooling???

I know it is hard when you are in your early 20's and want so hard to be an adult but if he is still dependent on his parents then he must follow their rules.

Sorry for the honesty.

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Old 12-02-2016, 12:43 AM
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