Although pubescent children try to distance themselves from family-particularly parents-in their struggle to assert their individuality and independence, they very much want to be part of the household. They want to be treated as adults, but do not know exactly what they mean by that statement. They do know that they are no longer children and want affirmation of that from the very people that they are trying to push away.

How do we, as parents, handle this? There are many small ways that add up to responsible and responsive adolescents. Patience, repetition and a sense of humor help us to survive this stage of growing up. Just remember, the first time is the worst. I used to tell my daughter, who is my oldest, that she was my "practice" child. I think that I spent the first two years of her life with "Dr. Spock" in one hand and "The Mother's Almanac" in the other. Of course, this is in response to her never-ending, "You were SO much stricter with me than you are with my brothers!" And my reply is always, "Practice makes perfect!"

As toddlers and pre-schoolers, children want to learn tasks from us that help them to feel "all grown-up," such as helping to bake cookies, following us around with their little vacuum cleaners, going to the office and "working" on the computer. As children grow into adolescence, they want to have more of a say in family decisions.

The family meeting is the perfect venue for teachable moments and firm messages. It is here that our pre-adults can get a taste of the family process and learn to make responsible decisions. The family meeting can take place any time, but should happen at the same time on the same day every week. It should always take place when all family members are present, so when choosing a time and day, make certain that it is when everyone is home and available. For us, this was and is Monday nights. No one accepts work assignments or social engagements on Mondays and all of us eat together. The meeting begins immediately after dinner and before dishes or cleaning up.

We began doing this about five years ago. At that time the children were 17, 12 and 10. They squabbled constantly about nothing in particular and everything in general.

After about six months of meetings, the squabbling eased up. Honest. They still argue, but it is more constructive and issue-oriented.

For our meetings I normally had an agenda of things that I wanted to discuss. The children were each allowed to bring their own items to the table. We took turns chairing the meetings, working our way down from oldest to youngest. Whoever chaired the meeting could bring up his/her items first. We discussed each issue as it came up. Everything was considered with equal respect, no matter who brought it to the table. For the first couple of months that we did this, I wasn't sure that I would have the patience to go on. The meetings were more like excuses to argue with each other. However, when it was my turn to speak, I would always have a situation on the agenda that I wanted decided as a family. For instance, since I am a single parent and receive no child support, money is nearly always an issue. I never wanted the kids to know how hard the struggle was; however, they did need to realize that basics were provided and extras were negotiable. Their input on a budget issue, such as brand names versus store brands at the grocery store, for example, as a way to save money, gave them ownership of our household finances. Chipping in more extensively with chores so that I could take on extra work was done without as much complaint as soon as they realized that they were helping to keep the family together by doing so. Realizing the whys and the hows goes a long way toward garnering cooperation.

Messages on issues can be imparted at the family meeting as well. Keeping the family together and sticking with each other-no matter what-has reinforced our unconditional love for one another. Discussions at our family meetings now range from who is having a party on Friday night to teenage drinking and the consequences and dangers. Moral and social issues have been brought up and argued over, as well as how will we get three people back and forth to work with one car on a weekend.

After five years of doing this weekly, many times there is nothing to discuss, but we spend that hour or two together as a unit. With one child in college and two in high school with jobs and extra-curricular activities, not to mention social lives, that Monday night time is "ours." We reminisce, discuss issues on the news, tease each other and, in general, have a good time. We tell each other our plans for the week, look to each other for advice and, occasionally, Mom gives a sage answer to some pressing problem. Just as often, however, when a problem arises, the children come up with a solution on their own.

If you are interested in starting your own family meetings and are having a problem coming up with a plan, feel free to e-mail me for more information. It may take me a day or two to reply, but you will definitely hear from me.

She holds a bachelor's degree in education and a master's degree in Family Sciences, as well as various certifications as a parenting instructor. She is a single mother who lives in the Poconos, PA with her three children: Noelle, 22, a senior at East Stroudsburg University, Pennsylvania; Michael, 18, a senior at Pocono Mountain High School, and Anthony, 15, a sophomore at the same school.

Jacky is also a representative for Usborne Books at Home and Avon Products.  She invites anyone to e-mail her for information, either about Usborne Books, Avon or about individual parenting issues that may be of concern.

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