How to Be a Positive Parent: 5 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Today - Page 2
by Tracy Riley
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The importance of having routines is to look at what you and your family does each day to get out the door on time and get to bed at a decent hour. It helps to write everything down until it becomes routine for you. It is different for every family, but here is an example of our routines. (My husband and I are raising 5 children together, ages 8, 9, 11, 14 and 16. Thsee following routines primarily apply to the youngest three)
Before bed: Clothes are selected based on the weather; each child takes a shower and brushes their teeth. Each child is encouraged to read for 20 minutes, usually with Mom or Dad. Bed time is 8:30.
Morning: Each child gets up at 7:30 and gets dressed, has a breakfast consisting of cereal and fruit, then brushes their hair and teeth. Our youngest must take medication and put in her contacts. Any additional time is used to read, start on the afternoon chores, or pick up their room. We are out the door at 8:20 for the bus.
After school: Each child has a snack, does afternoon chores, and completes their homework. Any time after that and before dinner, can be used to play outside or if they have earned it, they can have 30 minutes to play games on the computer.
(You may notice there is no television time mentioned. I will cover this more in the last section.)
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2) Spend Time With Your Child Each Day: Spend time doing something meaningful; children spell love as T-I-M-E. Depending on your child's age, pick an appropriate activity such as reading a book, playing outside, or helping with homework. I don't consider or recommend watching television as a meaningful activity, as there is no interaction with your child.
Spending time with your child isn't really optional if you want to be a positive parent. If all you ever say to them is "hurry up", "don't do that", "stop", "why didn't you...", you will quickly become a nag and they will tune you out, as well as everything you say to them, good or bad. Take the time to do something with them, and if you have more than one, you may have to schedule fun time with each of them. It's easy to get caught up in the business of getting it all done, but I promise, you will not send them off to college wishing you had washed more dishes.
3) Eat a Meal Together: Do this at least five nights a week. It's amazing how much you can learn from your child over a meal. Children want to tell you about their day. They want to know someone is interested in them. Start this as early as possible, even if your child is still in a high chair. Pull it up to the table and make it a family event.
I have a 14 year old and I've been doing this since she was 2 years old. And as I had more children, we continued the tradition of asking each other two questions each night. We call it "Best Thing Worst Thing". We each share the best thing and worst thing that happened to us during the day. The best thing is an opportunity for everyone to share some of their achievements of the day and gives the parents an opportunity to praise their child for making good decisions. The worst thing allows the child to share any struggles or issues and helps them to learn that Mom and Dad and home are safe places to talk about their issues or concerns. This also allows the child a chance to process what happened and what they might be able to have done differently to achieve an alternative and more positive outcome.
4) Know your Child's Friends: This becomes more and more important as they get older. How do you do this? Let your house be the one that the kids want to come to. Have snacks available to them, food will almost always attract the kids, especially the teenagers. Give them a place to just hang out, watch television, get on My Space, or listen to music. Make it as supervised as possible, without being obvious. Our teenagers do not go to someone else's home unless I know and have talked with the parents, to ensure that an adult will be home.
By letting my children's friends come to our house, it gives me a chance to see how these young people conduct themselves and I can decide if I want their influence on my child. My children know our values and if they bring someone home that doesn't share a closeness to our values, I discourage the friendship. Youth who come to our house and help themselves to my refrigerator or pantry without permission are not usually invited back. I also use this as a teaching opportunity for my children, appropriate behavior when you are a guest in someone's home.
5) Turn Off the Television and Keep it Off: Did I hear a gasp yet? When I say turn off the television, I mean turn it off for five days out of the week. There are several reasons that I suggest this... By the time the kids get home from school, and complete their afternoon routines of homework, snack, and chores, it is usually getting close to dinner time. Between a day at school and their afternoon responsibilities, they need some fresh air, some exercise, and just some down time in general. How relaxing is it to sit and color, or talk on the phone with their friends, or even better, let them help prepare dinner with you. After the evening meal, you are starting your before bed routine, and getting ready for the next day, then it's bed time.
Another reason to turn off the television is the shows that are on today. It's not Mayberry or Pollyanna that our kids are being exposed to. If you have watched any of the shows on Disney lately, you will see that the kids are in control, parents are either absent or absolutely clueless about what their children are doing. There is usually some form of deception involved, a lie is told and the kids spend 30 minutes trying to cover it up, instead of just being honest up front. Is this the message you want to send to your child?
Reality shows, such as "Sweet 16" portray teenagers celebrating this monumental milestone, thinking she deserves a $50,000 car in the color of her choice. And the parents oblige her! Do you plan to drop that much money on any of your children's birthdays? It's very difficult to have your children buy into your values, morals, and beliefs and also let them be exposed to beliefs that differ so greatly.
In our home, the television can be turned on to pre-approved shows on Friday nights and Saturdays only. By Sunday afternoon, we are in the mode of getting ready for the week, so we keep it off unless there is something in particular that would be a treat for all of us to enjoy together. My 9 year old is in a class with 23 other students and he is one of 2 children that doesn't watch television on school nights.
Many times parents want to blame our schools, churches, and neighborhoods for the way our children are being raised. It's time that we as parents fully accept our responsibility for the fate of our children.
I made the choice to have my children and I believe that it is 100% my responsibility to train them in the way they should go. You would not take a young plant, one that doesn't yet have strong and firm roots and leave that plant in the dead of winter without protection. Children are not "little adults", their minds are not developed and we have to protect them, make decisions for them, and all along the way teach them the way they should go, so that when the time is right, adulthood happily awaits them.
About the Author:
Tracy Riley is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Florida. She earned her Master's Degree in Social Work from Florida State University after having already secured her Bachelor's Degree in Social Work from Auburn University.
Tracy is a dedicated professional and has worked with numerous families to help them overcome life's challenges; thus enabling them to achieve their goals, obtain personal fulfillment and live their ideal life.
Tracy has recently expanded her private practice for individuals and families. Appointments can be made by calling (904) 704-2527. You can also reach Tracy by email to schedule an appointment in the office or for telephone counseling for those outside of the local area.
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