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Are You Addicted to Your Children?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D
Is it possible to be using our children addictively?
Anything that we use to get love, avoid pain, and fill up inner emptiness
can become an addiction - even our children! If your children are your whole
life - if you don't have a strong spiritual connection with a personal
source of love and guidance, as well as other relationships and interests
that you are passionate about, you might be using your children to fill an
empty place within you.
If you don't have a partner or your relationship with your partner is not
fulfilling to you, and you don't have deeply connected and meaningful
friendships, then you might be using your kids as your major emotional
connection. If you don't have hobbies or work that are compelling and
fulfilling to you, you might be using your children to give meaning to your
life. If you don't have a daily spiritual practice that brings love and
comfort to your soul, you might be using your children to fill this need.
If this is what you are doing, it is not good for your children. It is a
huge burden on children to be responsible for their parent's loneliness and
sense of purpose. Children who feel this responsibility often become
caretakers, giving themselves up to take care of a parent. On the other
hand, a child burdened with this responsibility may rebel and distance from
the parent, spending less and less time at home to avoid the burden of the
parent's emptiness.
I grew up as an only child with a mother who had nothing fulfilling in her
life - other than me. Her whole focus was on me, and because I couldn't
possibly fill her up in the way she needed to be filled, she was often angry
at me. I became a good little girl, a good caretaker of my mother, but the
result was that I was a nervous and unhappy child, and wanted to be away
from my house as much as possible.
Our children need to be a part of our life, not our whole life. We need to
role-model for them what it looks like to take personal responsibility for
filling ourselves up. We need to show them what it looks like to take
responsibility for making ourselves happy, rather than rely on them for our
happiness. Your children want to know that they are important to you, but
not so important that your well-being is dependent upon them.
You might want to explore the following questions to see if you may be using
your children addictively:
- Do you have a solid spiritual practice that fills you with a sense of
peace and gives meaning to your life?
- Are you expressing your particular talents in a way that feels meaningful
and productive to you and gives you a sense of fulfillment?
- Do you have fulfilling emotional connections with other adults - a
partner, other family members or friends?
If you answered "yes" to these, then you are probably not using your
children addictively.
- Do you feel bored and useless when your children are not around? Is it
your children that give your life meaning?
- Is your sense of worth attached to your children's achievements? Do you
tend to take it personally if one of your children has a problem?
- Are you over-involved in your children's lives?
- Are you overly sensitive if one of our children is angry or distant? Do
you find yourself trying to pacify your children rather than set appropriate
limits in order to avoid their rejection?
- Did you choose to have children to share the fullness of your love or did
you have children in the hopes of getting love from them?
If you answered "yes" to one or more of these, then there is a good
possibility that you are using your children addictively. If this is the
case, the best thing you can do for you and your children is to move
yourself toward a solid spiritual practice, look for meaningful ways of
expressing your talents, and develop emotional connection and support from
other adults.
What's Related:
Achieving Balance in Your Family
Raising Responsible Teens
Finding Time For Mom (homeschooling)
More Family Articles
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner
Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
InnerBonding.com or margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
sessions available.
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