Do men just play dumb when it comes to cleaning? Is this an obvious attempt to avoid any sort of housework? I used to think so, but now I think it may have something to do with a testosterone brain block or something.

Last year my house barely survived our annual spring cleaning day. In fact, both the fire department and the American Red Cross still have us on their monthly check-in list. So this year when the time came to divvy up the chores and dig into spring cleaning, I made a cheat sheet of sorts for my husband to refer to:

Broom (brum) - a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of transportation for your mother)

Vacuum (vak' u em) - much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out. Don't let this alarm you. It isn't broken and doesn't need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the dishwasher.

Dust pan (DUH) - Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.

Dust Cloth (dust kloth) - A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look for your old "lucky shirt".

Bucket (buk' it) - Cylindric container used for holding soapy water when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you're playing with our seven-year-old.

Mop (mop) - a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the end of a stick. You'll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year's Eve party last year.

Toilet Brush (toi' lit brush) - Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. I don't care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower luffa again!

Oven Cleaner (uv' en Klen' er) - No, not the teenager. This is an actually product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours later. You won't need your welder's mask for this task, but if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.

Sponge (spunj) - used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware. It won't be necessary to use your 300psi Power wash set. That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the EXTERIOR of the house (hint hint).

Squeegee (skwe' je) - Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men DO squeegee!

Final Note:

While Duct tape may be a wonderful plumbers aid, it's really not the best solution for keeping the bathroom towels in place, and Jamie's teacher is still asking why his homework was stuck to his forehead last week. For these reasons, I have hidden the duct tape and distributed your picture to the local hardware stores. Don't make me call Duct Tape Anonymous again.

Take your time, everything will be fine. If you need me, I'll be in the basement cleaning up the smoke damage from your "do it yourself" electrical rewiring incident last week.

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About the Author
Kellie Head is a frazzled mother of six and terrified wife of a crazed do-it-yourselfer. Between emergency room visits and firehouse calls, she is the editor of the online parenting magazine http://www.ParentingHumor.com