Q: "I have a son that is almost 4 and 1/2 and we have tried everything we can think of, but we cannot get him to have his BM in the toilet! He has been using the toilet to go potty for almost 2 years. Help! or my son will be having accidents in kindergarten!"

~ Loa

Answers from our members:

Loving Aunt wrote:

I would agree with most of the comments already made. You must see your Pediatrician, first. I have a nephew that is 8 and still has BM in his pants. His parents make him wash his own clothes, separate from the rest of the families. I agree with what they are doing. It might be a control issue. Try not to make a big deal out of it. The child must have natural consequences. If the child is made of fun of at school because he/she stinks then you must explain to the child why others don't like to be around the smell. I sincerely hope your child doesn't have to go through this. Please be patient, loving, and don't blame yourself because that won't help either. Just take it one day at a time. My heart goes out to you & your child.

Wendy wrote:

We told our son that all BMs go to a "poopy party" in the toilet and he joyfully yells, "Bye bye Poopy! Have a nice party!" after each BM.

Mommy wrote:

My first son did the same thing, even in kindergarten. He used the toilet to urinate but held his BM till he got home. What finally did the trick was having my husband do a BM and then seeing if our son could do a bigger one, Sounds weird but it worked really well! Make a game out of it and they forget about their fear of letting go.

Maribeth wrote:

Try using a gum ball bank. This worked with both of my daughters and then with my niece! When they and only when they use the potty for BM's can they have a penny or two pennies to get some gum. You have to be sure they don't get gum any other time for this to work. If he likes/loves gum like most kids he should be glad to do it. After the gum runs out, just "forget" to get some more and that worked out fine for us. You might have to get extra refill to begin with, but usually that will work. They have gum in sugarless too.

Been there wrote:

this may sound like a crazy idea, but try letting him run around without any pants on for a while. my younger daughter was extremely resistant to toilet training, but after i realized that she would run to the toilet rather than make a mess on the floor, it was a snap. admittedly, i had to take a week off from work to get it done, but she never had an accident all week after I took her pants off, and she never went back to diapers either.

Jackie Hale wrote:

My son is 4 and a half also and he has the EXACT same problem. His doctor has told me just to ignore it. He says it MUST be his idea to finally go in the toilet. He says if I push it I'll just frustrate all of us. When I do push it, he holds it in. He has become so constipated that he's had to be "dug out" by the doctor. So the advice I got was to stop worrying. No kindergartner ever wore diapers!

Time to put foot down wrote:

First, speak with your child's doctor to assure there is not a medical problem. I can think of several ideas that you should use for a 2-3 year old, such as taking them in twice a day with a book and helping them become comfortable with the bathroom. However at 4 1/2 I think it may be time for you to put your foot down. I don't mean "stomp", lightly put your foot down and let your child know that it is unacceptable. It's important that you remember not to stress out and in turn stress your child. Good Luck!

Mommy wrote:

You have to look at what happened at the start of training. It sounds like the parents gave up control and now the little guy has it all. Take back the control and keep it.

Petra wrote:

Don't pressurize him. I have a friend who panicked so much about her son who had the same habit you mention and then forced him to go on the toilet -- the result -- he started withholding his BM and now has a large colon that is six times the usual diameter. I agree with Ron's suggestions -- and perhaps you should just drop the issue altogether. Let his dad or granddad work with him on it. Good luck, Petra

Ron Huxley wrote:

I would panic just yet. First, take him in for a medical checkup to make sure everything is working fine. otherwise, you are banging your head up against a wall trying to change motivation and behavior when the problem could be medical. Second, look at what has worked "better than other things you have tried." Don't look for absolute success. Build on those past/partial successes and stick to a schedule or toilet training plan. Boys often take longer and he will still come around if you are consistent. And most importantly, don't over react when he fails. I know you are tired and frustrated, but your behavior will reinforce the very behavior in him, you want stopped. Blessings, Ron Huxley, LMFT http://parentingtoolbox.com/