Q: "My 14 year old daughter wants to get her belly button pierced! I was appalled and said NO WAY, but she is acting as if I killed her best friend. I am afraid that I may have overreacted and that she may rebel against me. We have a fairly close relationship, but this decision seems to have really upset her and she seems very distant. What should I do?"

Answers from our members:

Lori wrote:

I do say you made the right decision to say No. I would tell her that right now she is too young. Have her do research on the pros/cons of getting her belly pierced and you'll probably won't have the conversation again. Good Luck to you.
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Fiona wrote:

My suggestion is that you tell her you will revisit the issue in one year. 14 is too young. If she still wants to have it done then, it should be her responsibility to find a reputable person to do it complete with credentials and references that you insist you see first. Insist that you go with her and that this is the only part of her body she will have pierced. If I had to choose between my daughter getting her navel pierced and a tattoo, I'd choose (reluctantly) the piercing. At least she will be able to change it if she doesn't like it or when she outgrows the fad as we all know she will.
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Roberta wrote:

Well, that's what's wrong with "Children" we start saying," Oh, they might do this or they might do that." They need to learn, now, that sometimes thing don't always go there way, you are the adult, you make the decisions, you are in charge, not the child. They will respect you later for this and will themselves be better parents someday.
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Erinn wrote:

I think that 14 is an old enough age to make this sort of decision, and if you sit with her and guide her through the decision making process of it, you could actually start setting a thinking process for the future. You should review the information together, go through the procedure together and talk about the health aspects and the fact that if she doesn't like it, she will always have a mark there. But after sharing all your feelings about it, I don't think that belly piercing is such a big issue to have a fight over and throw your relationship into trouble. You would want to save that for more important moral issues like sex, dating, drugs and stuff that would really screw up her life. But if you break off the communication over this tiny issue, you may pay the consequences later on. I have dealt a lot with parents of younger teenagers, and it seems that this is the sort of thing that starts building that breakdown in communication, neither being willing to budge from their viewpoint. If you do feel so strongly about not doing it, you should stick to that decision, and face whatever happens. But if really isn't that big of an issue, and your relationship together is more at stake, then you should reconsider the damages and benefits of letting her do it, or not letting her do it.
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Rachel wrote:

I am 18 yrs. old and have had my belly button pierced. Note I got it pierced when I was 17, not 14. The only reason my mother allowed me to do this was because she felt I was old enough and mature enough. After having it in for 5 months, it got infected and I had to take it out. It got infected because I play sports, not because I didn't take care of it. If I was in your situation, I would make your daughter aware of what could happen and let her know it gets in the way if you play sports. If she still persists on getting it pierced, allow her too, otherwise she could just do it herself, which is much more dangerous.
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a teen myself... wrote:

I'd suggest for you to show her pictures of injured people who had their belly pierced. Now that would changed her mind immediately !
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Glenda wrote:

If it's not a moral issue, then I don't see the point in fighting over it. I'd give her a few weeks tops and she'll be sick of caring for it and take it out. I truly believe we have to pick our battles. I want to fight over only what I must. The moral issues are something I consider a must. anything else, is just not worth it. Just my opinion....
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Joan Bramsch wrote:

No, you weren't being nasty, dear Parent. You were being a very wise Mom. She hasn't paid a bit of attention to the dangers of Hepatitis and other diseases she can get from being pierced. She only wants what she wants when she wants it. I say Bravo to you!
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Grandma wrote:

Stick to you guns!
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Kristy wrote:

All I have to say is good job stick to your NO! Don't give in to her.
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Dorri wrote:

The first thing should be to ask her WHY does she want the belly ring!? Is it because that everyone else has them or another reason. She definitely should not be thinking it's sexy at want it for that reason at 14. Kids today are just finding new ways to express them selves. Weird color hair, tattoos, and today it's body piercings. I worked in a body piercing place and still ONLY have the 2 holes in each ear. It's not worth the risk of infection and the belly piercing takes quite awhile to heal. You made the right choice just explain the problems that could arise from any type of body piercing.
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Rosalind wrote:

Fourteen years old is a very impressionable age and to some children its a do or die situation to every decision. Along with being tactful and considerate, we must also remember we are the parents, she is the 14 yr. old, and sometimes we must put our foot down No, I do not think you acted hastily. God blessed us with these children and entrusted us with their care, I don't remember "body piercing" as one of the things listed under care. Societal demands and peer pressure are very hard for our teens and take all of the know-how and guidance we, as parents, can muster up to help our child. Sadly enough when we put our foot down occasionally, our children rebel in all different kinds of ways, and cause us much unrest not to mention hurt. In a nutshell, it comes down to the love, trust, and respect that we've laid the ground work for hoping in these things our children will follow. And when we make a decision we must believe in these things and hold firm to that decision. I understand the agony you must be going through, for I too am a mother of teens. I'd really like to give you a clean cut answer but we are all individuals as are our children and with that we must work toward our own child's' individualism and choose what we know will work best. Substitution sometimes works well with teens of that age, however, you are the only one who would know what to use. In closing, I would say to have faith in your decision and trust that this to will end.
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Charles wrote:

Of course, you gave the right answer. After all, you are the parent, she the child. More parents should learn to say NO, and not later change their mind to gain favor from the offended one. If more parents would regain control of their children, instead of the reverse, we would see fewer reports of delinquency, and Columbine events.
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Angie Gardiner wrote:

I had my belly button pierced - I am 32 years old with 4 kids. I was going on a cruise for my anniversary and decided it would look great to have it done. I went down and talked to the person I wanted to do it. They said about 3 months to heal and keep it washed real good. I laid down to get it pierced and they squeezed the "pliers" on my belly button and said this is the worst part! LIE! The next thing I knew they were RAMMING this "needle" through my skin! I believe this was the worst pain I have ever felt! I was not able to wear anything close to it for many months. It took close to a year to heal. Then about a month ago I caught it on something and had to go through just about the same thing all over again. I sure wish I had gotten one that would stay secure (a clip), but would come off whenever I wanted to take it off. I have had it almost 2 years and have not changed it yet. A friend of mine has one and she changed hers and said be very careful when doing it. It is a very serious decision and I think you did the right thing by telling her no. She can wait to get one later when she is older. Tell her there are a lot of pretty clips to put on and they are a lot easier to take care of. There are not many choices if she gets it pierced.
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Cathy Terry wrote:

If she were older, I would say go ahead, but with her being so young, it just isn't right....First the piercing hurts, the person doing the piercing does not use anything to deaden the pain, if it isn't keep clean and with an antibiotic cream on it, it may become infected...My daughter is 27 and had her naval pierced, even in the most sterile conditions, it can become infected as did hers...Tell her to wait and she how she feels when she gets in her 20s....You can buy earring that look like the naval has been pierced....Tell her to try that!!!!
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Mary wrote:

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter who just turned 14 in April has been begging me for one. She downloaded so much information on it to show me. She also got a list of places to have it done locally. It still makes my stomach sick to think about it. This is a child who faints at the thought of a shot! My neighbor had hers done after she had her 3rd child and gave me a lot of information. She's also going to give the whole low-down to my daughter. They say it takes about 3 months to really heal. Hers took about a year. She had it done by an RN. It hurt like crazy to have it done. She couldn't button her pants or wear anything (clothing) on it for the longest time. If it isn't done correctly it can damage the deep tissue. My daughter is a great kid, pretty responsible for a 14 year old and hangs around with nice kids. Two of her friends have had it done, but she doesn't need to jump off the same bridge as they do, if you know what I mean. I have said no but now I am thinking...I need to pick my battles. Is it such a bad a thing to allow her to do in the scope things. She is still a child, but some children of her age are into all kinds of terrible things already. I'm still on the fence myself about this. Just get her to keep talking to you. Let me know how you make out. She is my oldest and this is our first major problem.
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Kim wrote:

Don't second guess yourself. You said NO and that's how it should stand. If you give in and change your mind because of her childish pouting, then she's going to know that from now on, no matter what you say, all she has to do is sulk and give you the cold treatment and she'll get her way. Just let it go. If she really wants this, she'll come back in a few months time and ask again. If you have reconsidered the situation or you feel you were too hasty now, then you can change it to a yes then, adding any comments that you want. But I do believe a child, and she's still a child, has to learn that no means no - period.
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Glenda wrote:

No was the best answer. You can sit down and explain why but not before she talks. Count your blessings that she is not talking...that means she is thinking! She will need/want something and have to come to you and talk.
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Karen wrote:

You don't owe her research and explanations. She is a child. You said "No" now stick to it. If this means she wants to act more childish and not speak to you ... then tell her one reason she can't have it is because she is immature. If she were more responsible, you may have considered it. Besides, at 14, a belly ring is too sexual.
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Am wrote:

Why don't you sit down with her and talk about it with an open mind... Ask her: Why she wants it? Where would she get it done? What would it cost? Are there any of her friends that have one? (and perhaps ask them and their parents all about it). Take some books out of the library about it (maybe books that emphasize the pain and/or show what an infected piercing looks like if you are dead against it). Even if you agreed to it, you may find that she changes her mind herself...even at the last minute (i.e., when she hears the patient before her scream!) I think a 14 year old girl understands enough to know what she wants and if you are open at least to an in-depth and unbiased (as much as you can)discussion on the topic and show some interest in finding out more about it before you veto the idea, then she might approach you more readily with things like this in the future. She will also feel that you respect her ideas and trust her judgment. It's all about respect and independence. The bottom line is that she could get it whether you allow it or not. Wouldn't you feel better about your relationship with her if she trusted you enough to approach you with these things first and ask your opinion? Also, don't you think it would be better if you knew where she was getting it done so that you could check it out first and accompany her? Rather than her going to goodness knows where, where it might be unsafe or unprofessional? Is it really a big deal to allow her to experience something different in life? (which is reversible and safe). It's OK to not agree with her and it's OK to say no (she is still, after all, a minor), just weigh up if it's worth the aggravation between you or if it would be more productive in the long run to stretch you mind just a little bit to allow for differences between you (remember that she is growing up in a different generation to you and things like this are now commonly acceptable). Hope this helped and good luck! :o)
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Janet wrote:

What crowd does your daughter hang around with? If she is hanging around with "good" kids, then I wouldn't be so concerned as it may just be a fun fashion statement. But if she is hanging around with the wrong crowd, then this could be the start of a bad roller coaster ride. If your daughter and you are that close, you should be able to sit down and discuss this and work out a solution. Good luck! :)