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As They Grow -
Reader's Questions
Every parent has questions. We all experience
it.
"Why does my daughter whine so much?" "How
can I stop my child from interrupting?" "Why does my son forget everything
I tell him?"
We hope that in this section parents will be
able to help each other by sharing what has worked for them. If you have
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astheygrow@thefamilycorner.com
Can you help this
member?
| "When my 14 year old son is grounded he is
obedient and just gets through it. When the
grounding is over, he resumes his previous activity.
He seems to never learn anything except for how
to use the system to get his way. Any ideas?" |
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what
others have said:
| m wrote: |
I have been stepparenting a 10 y/o boy for the last 2 1/2 years and lately he has started with the attitude as well. As i am his stepmom, he feels that he can get away with everything or if I say no, he can go and ask his dad who will say yes if he does not know that i have said no. What has worked for me in dealing with his outbursts, or temper tantrums as we call them, is he is given a choice. a choice to apologize or to sit on his bed for an hour and do nothing. he will usually choose to apologize but if the behaviour continues after he has apologized, i start pulling privledges (usually earlier to bed, no friends, etc) until he quits the bad behaviour. The most privledges i have had to pull so far is two and since then we have not had an outburst when he has been with us. what also works is just be forward with them. tell them that when you ask me and i say no, don't go and ask your dad as that then causes dad and i to fight. tell your child what they need to do. always be positive and never use negatives when talking with them. using a positive will get you farther. it works!!!
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| countrymomof2 wrote: |
You have to know at all times:
What, where, who, what time's and when? BE STRONG!!
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| Mrs. Kay wrote: |
I am a mother of three, two teenage girls and a 11yr old boy with ADHD (attention Deficite Hyperactivity Disorder). I have had many difficult days with all of my children and find that taking privileges away (phone, TV, computer, game systems and time with friends) works best. However, my teenage daughter whom is 15 despises it when I lecture her about the consequences of her actions. I dont know that this is always the right way to discipline my children, but as I have always been told I am learning right along with my children. As parents we dont know the answers to everything, but we do our best and we sometimes make mistakes just as they (our children) do. I hope that this at least makes you realize that with a little soul searching and with no expectations for things to be perfect you can help your child by finding something that works for both of you.
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| cassandra wrote: |
I'm new at this, but recently my 12 y/o has started "acting" up. he is expressing resentment toward me. and using phrases like "you're always messing with me." So far, my only punishment with his is to take away his favorite things and to place him on minimal punishment. This is because of my schedule. for example, if he does not complete his homework than he cannot watch television for that day only. if he completes the homework, then the priviledge is restored immediately. I try to offer a punishment that will fit the crime and that I can stick to as well.
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| Jenny wrote: |
i am a teenager, and i know for a fact, that he is trying to be cool, starting trouble, is cool now days, i am guessing that he is trying to be a rebel, and by hanging out with older kids, which i am guessing that he is doing, but what ever you do, do not take his friends away from him, he will cause more trouble than ever. Tell him how you feel, and tell him that you would like to higher your expectations of what he is expected to do. If you sit down and talk to him one on one, explaining how hard it is to be a parent, with a trouble making teen-ager, maybe he would understand, tell him that if he behaves a little better, that you will reward him for good behavoir, and if he wants to impress his friends to be cool, which i am believing is the situation here, tell him you have been there, and know how it feels, you have been that age before, and knows how it is to be a teen-ager, and all the trouble, most teens start, tell him to don't expect him to be perfect, cuz no one is. Just tell him, u expect better from him, and explain some of the times when you got in trouble, everyone makes mistakes, and this just might be one of them, that or, he wants a little more attention, and give it to him, say something like if he behaves better in school or where ever he is causing trouble, you will higher his allowence, or if he doesn't have one, tell him you will give im one, if that doesn't work, take away some of his privleges. Like if he loves to skater board, take that away, if he loves the internet, threaten to delete his screen name. I know, i m a teenager, i hang out with the older crowd. Being cool is a big thing now days, make sure your som knows that he is loved, and has some expectations to meet. It worked on me. It just might work for him
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| jj wrote: |
I believe that positive reinforcement is the only effective means of raising my 6 year old. Because of my own upbringing I started out with scolding, spanking etc....What I ended up with was an over rebellious little kid with a bad temper. Now I (as hard as it is) try and teach him by using only positives. When he is is a bad temper I say, when you are a happy boy again we can go to the park and play or watch a movie. When he does not need discipline or correcting I always point out what a good boy he is, how proud I am etc. He only seems to learn by positives. It has often been challenging when I am angry for something broken or messed up, but it has taught me a lot of patience. I am always saying, "look at the good...." I have learned that no matter what challenges are before me, I make him know I love him even if he does something wrong, we just have to work on it...
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| ms johnson wrote: |
I have 2 Children myself, one 14 and one who is 17 my 14 year old son is a pain in the bum when he doesnt get his own way. But when he gets grounded he is always pouty and rude. So i make him stand in a corner for 30 mins until he has learnt his lesson. Maybe try and punish them properly! No computer, No t.v, No Phone and No Outdoors just family inside and homework! okay thank you. sincerley ms johnson.
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| rosannarosannadanna wrote: |
Ive been a single mom for 12 yrs. My son is 12 yrs old. sometimes i get crazy to get out and talk with or be around other adults. I have not dated for past 3 years but would like to try a singles bowling or something like that or even get to my "mental health" meetings which i try to do at least once q 2 months. At what age can children stay alone and for how long?
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| Lisa wrote: |
I have a 8 year old daughter that has had a bad behavior since i got married June 16,2001.she lies now,she gets a additude when you tell her to do her chores or you tell her to do something else.she always says that she hates doing chores.she has got where she causes problems between me and my husband,it almost caused us to get a divorce,but my husband said that we are not going to let this or anything else cause problems between us,he also said that he wasn't going to leave us.anyway,i need some options to what i can do to get this better.we have tried taking things away that she likes the most,we give her spankings,we tried a board with strikes on it,that means that we give her the punishment that what ever we decide.we tried time-out.please help us.Lisa
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| Sloan wrote: |
I myself am a teen(14 yrs old) and have been through this particular ordeal. What my father did is he stopped grounding me. He ended up giving me spankings, though as I got older, I xdeveloped a higher pain tolerance, so he stopped doing that too. In the end, he ended up telling me the consequences of what I was doing and telling me why he didn't want me doing those things. Some of the consequences he laid down were just the facts of life, and others were his own ways of keeping me out of trouble. Like, for instance, if I get pregnant or engaged before I'm 18, he won't give me my college fund, and I'll end up paying for college on my own. It works very well with me.
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| Crystal wrote: |
Your right teens act in very strange and not nice ways. You should take time off of work and try to spend time with him and do what he does.Grounded them just makes kids stronger.When you ground him,you said he just gets off...well he is overpowering you by that. You need to stand up and teach him what's right and wrong. But remember you were a teen once too!
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| Delila wrote: |
i have noticed with my kids and my soon to be step daughter ... they seem more to act up when something is bothering them and they are keeping it in.. i have had to tell my fiance to talk to his daughter from time to time when she seemed to be getting rebelous.. and usually she will share something with him that is bothering her that she wouldnt want to talk to him about before.. i guess not wanting to bother him with her problems or conserns..
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| Laura Quitugua wrote: |
Hi, I have a son like that and he's 15, your son will behave while he's grounded, just so he can get out of being grounded, but once he's off the hook, he's the same person, let's see what to do, well I figure, say you had just grounded him and he stays grounded for however you tell him and then you say o.k. times up and he starts to act up, well turn around and take something he likes to do more than anything away from him, for example, home video games, or going to the mall with his friends, it's always something he loves more than ever, see if that works. Bye Laura
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| Denise wrote: |
I have 4 children. My oldest son has had many behaviour problems in school and has a lack of respect for authority. Last summer my children were getting into trouble with other neighborhood children. Grounding them soley did not work. My children complained about their lack of privelages. And, as boredom set in they began to argue with each other. I decided to give my kids a lesson in apreciation which may work with a child that is only "good" during the punishment. I started by taking away all the extras...including phone, TV, electronics, friends, leaving the yard, ect. The children had to earn back all these privelages. I kept a record of each week and allowed them just 2 bad days per week(nobody's perfect). If the children could behave themselves properly 5 out of 7 days, they would earn a privelage. I started out small and worked my way up to the biggies, like friends and leaving the house. This way, the children would not be tempted by the actions of their friends. Grounding alone doesn't accomplish much, teaching them to earn the extras accomplished alot. Good luck!
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| Tracey wrote: |
I am helping my boyfriend raise two of his three children, a girl 15 and a boy 12, while I go to university full-time. I often ask the children how we can prevent the situation in future and how they may be able to help us make it better around the house for them. They have only recently moved in with us, within the last two years, and we are starting to create our own family dynamic. The children spent some time in an environment where time-outs were overused with little discussion to compliment this form of punishment. As a result, the boy can not be sent to his room as a form of punishment, since it makes him sick to his stomache. When he first moved in, we tried to teach him that if he does something inappropriate, whether by accident or on purpose, he needs to help fix the situation. This meant that we were teaching him to do things like wipe up milk if he spilt it on the kitchen floor. We asked him if he would rather we withhold privilages or if he wanted us to find him appropriate work to do around the house as a punishment. He asked us to find work for him to do and after using this system for over a year, he still prefers it to lack of privilages. Of course, he is not able to use the TV, phone, or do any leasure activity until the work is done. We try to ask him every few months if he wants us to change the system, but he prefers it and he is making steady improvement in his behaviour. If he has purposely insulted someone or talked back to an authority figure, he has to write a letter of apology. He fights us at the time and we make him sit until at the task until we think it is presentable (proper spelling, ect.), but it is said in his words, sometimes with prompting from us. Before we withdraw any privilages and after we have an initial talk about the situation, we ensure that the children do some small task to fix what they have done. We try to find a task that suits the infraction of the rules, like washing the supper dishes for swearing (major words only) or using the Lord's name in vain, writing letters of apology or actually facing the person and apologizing, doing the other's persons chores (if they have any) for complaining that the person's punishment is not harsh enough, and repairing objects that are purposely broken that do not belong to them. Some things, like swearing on the phone, result in a removal of privilages, but since our children dislike work more than they dislike being bored, which can make the problem worse, we use a chores to correct behaviors and to help teach the children how to properly respond to the situation they create and make them better. We try to talk to the children after the punishment ends, but sometimes they are only willing to whine and cry, so we end the conversation at that point. After we have talked out a situation, we try hard not to bring up the incident, but instead, if it happens again, remind the child that this has happenned before. We ask them if they want us to go into detail before bringing up past incidents. The children themselves have help us to decide what tasks should be used for the rules being broken and we wrote them out. I know that this sounds like it take a lot of time, and sometimes it does, but even with me studying Computer Science and my boyfriend working shiftwork, we have done our best to stick to this plan of action. We have found that the results we have gotten over time have been worth the initial investment of time, and now the boy will write apology letters without prompting, unfortunately it has mainly been to teachers when he has had a bad day. However, it has forced him to see how he can change a bad situation into something better, even if he has gotten himself in over his head. The children are old enough to know when they have done wrong, so they have a need to start making things better through action. The girl has not lived with us as long, but she is starting to see that misbehavoir has a price that involves action and not hiding in a corner until everyone forgets. We believe that mistakes are a part of a full life, and that one of the most important skills we can teach our children is how to deal with cleaning up their own lives after the mistake is made. It took us a lot of soul searching and prayer to get to this point and it will take just as much in the years to come, but so far, so good.
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| Lori wrote: |
when it comes down to where there seems no hope. I make a point when we sit down at dinner, I pray for that child and the problem that is happening. Then the child knows that if you can't stop the disrespectful behavior you can always hand it over to a higher authority. God's luck
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| Kathy wrote: |
I've found that by taking things away is the best way to go. I have three kids and two are teenagers. When my daughter comes in late or does something to get grounded, it's better to take away her phone for a week, or no T.V. for a week. And if that doesn't work then the next time it'll be two weeks, and so on.Also I have taken her vehicle away, then she doesn't get to run around after school or work. And believe me a teenager needs(WANTS)their car to get around.It's no fun when mom or dad transports you everywhere. And on the not doing homework try taking your child to their class, either hold their hand or just walking them there,that should help getting them there. Also let them make their own punishment as long as you except what they do.
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| Jamie wrote: |
I have two children and I know that I will probably never ground them. When I was a teenager (not that long ago, I'm 22) my parents would try to ground me and it never worked. Not only would I sneak around and not obey the grounding, but all it did was make me mad. It didn't solve anything. What did work was when my parents took things away from me, ie, my phone, tv, stereo, etc.... But don't give in, stick with your punishment, don't let him off early for good behavior or it won't work.
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| Diana wrote: |
I was wondering why his father hasn't been mentioned ? When my 13 year old acts up(no homework,cleaning) and I know that I will get little reaction from punishment aside from a puss face and mopping around I call in the big guns....DAD!!! and he sets the rules down and his punishment has to be followed to the letter or he will have to deal with DAD and DAD ONLY! no crying to me all problems will be directed soley to your father and my son doesn't like it when I up the stakes this way so now the mere threat of his father getting involved is'nt worth the act.
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| JOAN YOUNG wrote: |
i think first you need to find out why the anger is being expressed on you. than you need to deal with this problem from his perspective. remember you were a teen once as well. maybe you could find a support group for you as well as him in you're community they can help both of you get through this trying time. lots of love and understanding will go along way. bare with him.
joan young
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| natalie wrote: |
well i am a teenage girl and my parents ground me when i have been naughty ie. answering back because i do that alot. normally it lasts for about a week and i'm like hey i can handle this and it teachers me nothing. so if u want your son to learn to be good and see that he is doing sumthing bad u shud try and take things like a mobile phone or t.v or sterio away from him because if you did that to me i wud realize when i'm bad i don't get everything i usually get and realize not to do things wrong. or you cud try letting him go out with his friends but you picking him up because i don't like it when my dad picks me up so he wud get emmbarrassed and be like ok now i can't do anything wrong! well i hope i have helped you a little bit. bye!!!!!
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| Sharon wrote: |
Unfortunately I don't think anyone has hit on the true cause which is the heart attitude. My kids have learned that the reason they do the things that they do (wrong things as well as right and good things) is their attitude. As a Christian parent it is my responsiblity to address the heart issue and then deliver the discipline. One thing that is effective with my son is taking away any reading time in his room when he is sent there. Usually tho, he is to go to his room and think and pray about his behavior and is not to come down and talk to me until HE has his attitude and emotions under control. When he does I can tell and we can usually have a heart to heart talk. I do believe tho, that it is all part of the attitude even with ourselves...hope this helps or gives a little insight.
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| Shannon Tripp wrote: |
I am a mother and therapeutic foster parent. I have four children ranging in the ages of 16, 15, 8 and 3. I work with emotionally troubled teens.
Think about the behavior or activity the youth is doing and ask yourself what is the hidden message here. Is the youth bored, in need of some 'one on one' time with you, stressed over peer pressure, etc.?
There is a hidden message in all inappropriate behavior and it is hard as parents to stop and not react to the behavior than take the time to figure out what the message is.
Children and adolescents have not developed the communication skills needed to express a difficult moment in their life like an adult can. Even adults can struggle expressing their frustrations appropriately. Haven't we all lost our composure under stress and snapped at our child or spouse?
Encourage positive behavior and redirect inappropriate or negative behavior.
Expressing/sharing feelings and communication is a skill that is learned by example. Sit down with your youth and talk.
Be a good listener. Set limits, establish guidelines (family policies/procedures) and the natural consequences of their actions together. Write them down so you and the youth don't forget. This helps when emotions run high.
Last but not least, try and remember yourself at that age and how frustrating it can be just to be an adolescent.
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| Georgia wrote: |
Unfortunately, "if you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always gotten". With my children we had to totally rethink "grounding" when they reached their teens. Instead of going to their room for a period of time there were unpleasant chores to be done and priviledges lost (no high school student wants mom picking him up at the school door every day). And one of the other comments about restitution is true. They learn what is going to cost them from the punnishment but you have to supply the why it's going to cost them.
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| Cindy Pitman wrote: |
You are so right - at that point the teen's thoughts are to just get through it; there is no new thought processes happening here. Helping kids help themselves is the answer. Teens are capable of developing self-discipline, but not without adult guidance(not to be confused with coercion). Maybe we are more familiar with 'making the punishment fit the crime'. If it's a broken window - it needs to be repaired, if it's a broken curfew - a commpromise in a time change may be in order, riding over the neighbor's lawn on her dirtbike might require mowing the neighbor's lawn for the weekend. The key is communication and consequences.
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| Lea wrote: |
Perhaps you are not taking away something that he truly values like phone privileges,no T.V.,etc..Don't hand down the same punishment always.Make sure it is more severe for the same wrong actions that he is continuing to do.
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| Debra Patenaude wrote: |
Hi I work with teens on a dailey basis
I find for myself what works is sit down go over what the child is being grounded for.
Then let them pick there grounding you'll find that their harder on them selves than we could be. That way it teaches them that their young adult and not children that they have a say in what happens. Also get them to make a list of what grounding would go with
what behaviour. I hope this helps
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