join | what's new | site map
Home Site Map Crafting Ideas Family Fun Parenting Home & Garden Holidays Funbook Forums
Your online source for free family fun, craft projects, parenting advice, and more...
Tell a Friend or Two
Cratfs & Fun
Kid's Crafts
Kid's Recipes
Holidays
Family Fun
Our Experts
Ages & Stages
Education
Home & Garden
Just For You
Parenting
Fun Stuff
Pets
Humor
Games
Message Boards
Photo Gallery
Blogs
 

Craft Supplies



 
.

Guess Who Didn't Take a Nap? : A Baby Blues Collection (Baby Blues Scrapbook No 3)
Guess Who Didn't Take a Nap? : A Baby Blues Collection (Baby Blues Scrapbook No 3)
In the third collection of this heartwarming strip, parents Wanda and Darryl are bewildered in their new roles as Mom and Dad to newborn Zoe. Their true-to-life uncertainties give incisive glances at the humorous, and sometimes trying, moments of parenthood.

* Free parenting magazine offers
* Free  magazines just for Dads
* Free children's offers
* Free parenting newsletters
* Freebies for parents

Paternal Proclamations

cow Long ago, I hit upon the inspired idea of issuing formal Paternal Proclamations on matters of particular importance to my family, which are to be treated with the same reverence and obedience as an edict from the king. (My children refer to my decrees as "Dad's Demented Demands.") I usually announce these mandates at the dinner table, followed by a formal posting to the refrigerator, which is so littered with papers and photographs it looks like a collage.

Being a benevolent dictator, I allow a period for public comment following a dinnertime Paternal Proclamation, though once it has been affixed to the refrigerator with a magnet it becomes the Law of the House, Forevermore.

I, Wise and Wonderful Father: Children, I have a Paternal Proclamation. Please stop eating for a moment and pay rapt and worshipful attention.

Children: (Groan)

I, Wise Father: It has come to my attention that all of you are, on occasion, leaving a good quarter of an inch of milk in the bottoms of your glasses. Since milk is an expensive commodity, and we do not yet own a cow, you are forevermore required to finish your milk at every meal. Any public comments before this goes on the refrigerator?

Son: If we're throwing up, do we have to finish our milk?

I, Wise Father: No. If you are throwing up, you do not have to finish your milk.

Son: What if the dog licked it, would I still have to drink it?

I, Wise Father: How would that happen?

My son proceeds to show me how, in the course of taking a drink of milk, he might be seized with muscle spasms which fling him from chair, causing him to fall to the floor and to thrust his cup out in front of him. Our canine springs forward to assist in the demonstration, burying its nose in the glass. I shake my head.

I, Wise Father: I really don't think that's going to happen.

Son: Well how about if there's a fire and you tell everyone to get out of the house, should I stay and finish my milk even if it means I will be incarcerated?

Daughter: I think you mean incinerated.

Son: What?

I, Wise Father: No, if there's a fire, you don't have to finish your milk.

Daughter: "Incinerated" means burned up. "Incarcerated" means being arrested.

Son: That's what I meant.

Daughter: What do you mean, that's what you meant?

Son: I meant what if I was arrested.

Daughter: No, you didn't! You said if the house was on fire!

Son: Well, what if I started the fire, wouldn't I be arrested?

Daughter: You never said you started the fire!

Son: Dad, if I were arrested for starting the fire, would I still have to finish my milk?

Daughter: This is so stupid.

I, Wise Father: Well, yes, if you were arrested, you would still have to finish your milk.

Son: That's not fair!

Daughter: It does seem like if you were arrested you shouldn't have to finish your milk.

I, Wise Father: How does that make any sense?

Daughter: I told you this was stupid.

Son: What if the only way to put out the fire was to pour milk on it, wouldn't you be glad then?

I, Wise Father: Glad about what?

Daughter: What you should do is a Demented about stupid conversations.

I, Wise Father: Stop calling them that; they're Proclamations.

Son: What if we're out of milk? Can we drink root beer?

I, Wise Father: What?

Daughter: Hey, he's kicking me under the table!

Son: You're nothing but a big baby.

I, Wise Father: Stop kicking your sister.

Daughter: He's kicking me! (Stands up, knocking over her milk glass.)

I, Wise Father: Hey!

Son: (After studying the white stain.) Dad? What if we spill our milk, do we have to drink it then?

Thus ends the period of public comment, and in due course the Proclamation is pressed to the layered surface of the refrigerator, held in place by a magnet with sufficient strength to penetrate two years' worth of elementary school art and a photograph of me that my children improved by adding a mustache and a tattoo of a fish on my forehead. So from now on, the Cameron children must finish their milk.

Well, unless there's a fire.

W. Bruce Cameron is a national humor writer for the Scripps Howard News Service. His brand of humor can be found at http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ or by free subscription (just drop him a line at mailto:bruce@wbrucecameron.com

Did you enjoy this article? Rate It! | Tell A Friend

You can email this entire article to yourself or a friend! Just fill in the fields below and you will be returned to this article when you are finished.

FROM email:
Your name:
TO email:

 

Free Newsletters
Monthly newsletter:
Daily crafts, recipes, & tips:

Coming Up

Thanksgiving

The leaves are almost done falling and Thanksgiving is quickly approaching! Whether you are looking for fun crafts, great recipes, or costume ideas, you'll find it all here. Here are a few examples to get you started...

More Holidays...






Follow FamilyCorner on Twitter!
Contests & Giveaways
new on familycorner.comWin Fun Stuff!

Check out all the fun goodies we are giving away here at FC...

Check out all of our contests here! Giveaways change every couple of weeks, so be sure to check back often. Several giveaways going on at once!

Recently Added
New Stuff

new on familycorner.comMissed the last couple of newsletters? Haven't visited for a while? This section highlights articles and crafts that have recently been added to FC...


Coming Up


Cardboard Pilgrims


Handprint Turkey


Clay Pot Pilgrim


Clay Pot Pilgrim
Family Podcasts

Hosted by Caroline & JacquieFamily Matters Radio
FMR is a nationally syndicated radio program developed to help you live your best life, hosted by Caroline & Jacquie. No rants and raves - you get enough of that from your kids. Choose a segment below to begin listening!


 
FamilyCorner.com Magazine
OUR FRIENDS
Craft Supplies
Family Stickers
Children's Halloween Costumes
Letter Stencils
Main Street Mom
FamilyCorner The Blog
Amanda's Cooking Blog
Amanda's Craft Blog
MORE GOOD STUFF
Newsletters
Advertising
Services
Submissions
Media Opportunities
Link To Us
Shop
Feedback
Staff
POPULAR AREAS
Family FunBook
Forums
Kid's Crafts
Coloring Pages
Household Hints & Tips
Photo Gallery
Blogs
e-Cards
Reminder Service


Contact Us | Copyright Notice | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use/Disclaimer

Copyright © 1997-2009 FamilyCorner.com FamilyCorner.com® is a registered trademark of FamilyCorner.com, an Internet Brands Company