The following accident reports were filed in conjunction with an automobile collision in which my two daughters somehow managed to run into each other in their own driveway. Both of my vehicles sustained damage.

Older Daughter Report: It wasn't my fault. I was backing out of the garage and she picked that minute to pull into the driveway. She hit me. Now I'm late and I promised Margi I'd meet her at the mall.

Younger Daughter Report: It wasn't my fault. I was in the driveway and if she had been watching where she was going instead of putting on her makeup in the rear-view mirror this would never have happened. I tried to steer around her but then I would have hit Dad's bike, so which was better, hitting the bike or the minivan?

Older Daughter Report: Well you took my makeup from the bathroom which is why I had to use some that I had in the minivan. And anyway I hate driving the minivan. If you had come back on time like you were supposed to this never would have happened, because I would have taken the Jimmy instead.

Younger Report: Well but this Jimmy is falling apart. It has almost 200,000 miles on it and is all rusty. I am really embarrassed to be seen in it. Maybe we should take this as a sign from God that we need a new car.

Older Daughter: Yeah, why don't we get a new car?

Officer Dad Report: Why on earth would I invest in a new car when you two can't even get out of the driveway without smashing up the ones we have? And the accident report fails to explain the damage to the garage freezer, which now looks like it was dropped from a building, and to my bicycle, which has a rear tire bent like a yoga instructor.

Older: I find this whole thing very insulting.

Younger: Well look, I told you that I had a choice between hitting the minivan and the bike, didn't I? So after the first time we hit, I had to do something.

Officer Dad Report: Are you telling me you ran into each other TWICE?

Older: Well because like an idiot she kept going!

Younger: Well what was I supposed to do, she started backing out of the garage again!

Older: Well after I ran into the freezer I had to back up, didn't I?

Officer Dad: Why did you run into the freezer?

Older: Well because she ran into the back of the minivan, duh!

Younger: I did NOT run into the back of the minivan, she ran into me!

Officer Dad: And then you ran over my bicycle.

Younger: I was taking evasive action because you were still driving like a maniac and putting on your makeup!

Older: No, I was the one who had to be evasive and run into the freezer, or you would have smashed into me again!

Younger: That's stupid, why would I run into you a second time?

Officer Dad: Especially when the bicycle made such an inviting target.

Older: Well, you DID run into me a second time, who knows why you do these things?

Younger: I'm not going to say anything more because you are being so stupid.

Older: YOU are the one being stupid.

Younger: You are stupid to infinity.

Older: You are stupid infinity plus two.

Officer Dad: So the sequence of events is, the minivan is backing out of the garage, the Jimmy is coming down the driveway, you run into each other, stop, the minivan runs into the freezer, stops, backs up, hits the Jimmy a second time, stops, and then the Jimmy runs into my bicycle. Does that cover it?

Younger: Except that she was putting on makeup.

Older: And I wasn't moving the whole time.

Officer Dad: Except when you hit the freezer.

Older: Well duh, except for that.

Officer Dad: Okay, any questions before I ground you both until you are too old to drive?

Older: Yeah, so how am I supposed to get to the mall?

Younger: If we get a new car, can it be a Jeep?

About the Author
W. Bruce Cameron is a national humor writer for the Scripps Howard News Service. His brand of humor can be found at http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ or by free subscription (just drop him a line at mailto:bruce@wbrucecameron.com

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