Are you singing the Middle School Blues?
If you have a son or daughter in the sixth, seventh or
eighth grade, you know what I am talking about!
The middle school years are tough on adolescents, and by
extension, can also be rough on the whole family. Having
guided two sons through those murky waters a few years
back and now watching a daughter emerge from this age,
I have learned a thing or two about the Middle School
Blues. Here are some of my insights:
Long-term perspective.
Middle Schoolers don't have any. And they really need
some. So it's up to us as the adults in their lives to
give them a glimpse of what long-term perspective can mean.
This includes ideas such as "this too will pass, it just
may take a little time" and the sure knowledge that they
will continue to grow and change ("do you see things any
differently now at 13 than you did at 10? Yes? Then you
can understand that you will probably also see things
differently at 16.").
Vulnerable is not cool.
Embarrassment often tops the list of most feared events
in a Middle Schooler's life. The problem, of course, is
that in this in-between stage of life, lots of seemingly
embarrassing moments pop up. It's hard to appear cool,
calm and confident when life seems so unpredictable. One
minute your friends seem to let you down, the next moment
it's your own body running for cover. And parents want to
TALK about these things! Yikes!
The key here is relationship.
It's tough to have a
heart-to-heart when you've never even discussed a
particular topic before. Learn to simply chat about
sensitive topics on a regular basis. At first, it's hard
for everyone, but as time goes on, people relax and trust
develops. Use a TV show, a song on the radio, or a current
event as a springboard for casual conversation snippets.
Ask what your young adult thinks and then really listen.
You might be surprised with the comments and questions
that start coming up.
Hug. A lot.
I don't care what they say. Middle Schoolers want hugs.
They want affection, attention and tons of it. In addition,
they want it mainly from their folks. You see, as their
parents, we're the ones who know that deep down inside,
they're okay. They, however, are VERY unsure of that fact.
Until our kids can believe it for themselves, they need us
to believe it for them. And show them. Daily.
Stand firm.
There's an oft-quoted statement that goes something like
this: parenting a teenager is like trying to nail gelatin
to a tree. Middle schoolers are like gelatin that isn't
quite firm yet. So you, Mom or Dad, must be the glue that
helps your youngster 'stick' together. Most young teens
and preteens simply don't have the maturity or skills to
put in place the boundaries they need. They desperately
crave SOMEONE to know what's going on and place secure
fences around them and their activities. Of course,
admitting this is not cool (remember, vulnerability is
bad) so they need to present themselves as totally in
control of their situations. But if you are working at
relationship with them, you might hear them confide from
time to time that their feelings inside don't even begin
to match up with what they feel they need to show the
world. Oops. Sounds like it's time for another hug.
Think tools.
Middle Schoolers rarely enjoy lectures. (Hint: they tend
to hear many 'conversations' as lectures.) As a parent,
you want to keep the walls down and the communication
lines wide open. Consider offering your parenting advice
in the form of 'tools'. Let your young adult know that
everybody needs a well-stocked toolkit in the game of
life. Self-discipline, kindness, listening skills,
values, etc., are actually much-needed tools that the
smart adult learns to use with skill. Role-play with
them to demonstrate usage. This will take practice, but
is worth the effort, just like playing a musical
instrument or learning a new sport. (After all, they
want to be a suave teenager, right?)
Your Middle Schooler is on a wonderful adventure that
will lead them from childhood into the beginnings of
adulthood. But the way is unfamiliar as well as
unsettling. They need a guide who cares deeply about
them, has confidence in them, and can see farther then
they can.
Just don't forget the hugs!
Copyright (c) 2004 Colleen Langenfeld
Are you singing the Middle School Blues?
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