Teens That Think they Don't have to Listen To their Parents!!
Please help!! My teens, think that they don't have to listen to what DH and I tell them to do!!
Why??? I think it is society today!
A few weeks ago DD(16yo) had her music too loud, DH and I both asked her several times each to turn it down. Than proceeded to tell her to turn it down. She did not. DD was preparing to take a shower. When she did not turn the music down, DH went to the bathroom to get the radio. DD slammed the door on his face. DH pushed the door open, and DD was yelling, I am taking a shower. She had just gone into the bathroom, so she was fully dressed!
DH, pushed the bathroom door open to get the radio. DD started to hit and scratch him. DH grabbed her arms by the wrists to stop her, she bent down and bit him. Amongst all of this she was had scratched his face, near his ear, his back, and of course as stated bit him twice.
DD called the cops!!! The officers that came out decided that one of two things could have been done in this situation.
1. Just let it go.
2. Take BOTH of them into custody, as domestic violence!!!
All DD had was red marks on her wrists from where DH was holding onto her!!
The officer stated that he would report this case to Child services! If he did Child Services never got into contact with us, so we don't know if the officer reported it or not.
DD is 16 1/2 we have been telling her to get a job. She thinks that we should still be giving her spending money, and buying her all of her leisure items, and what she wants.
Now today she refused to go to school!!! I am cutting her off of the phone and no TV, both for a month! (She will be able to watch what her 10 and 5 yo sisters are watching, but that is it)!! She claimed I don't listen to her, so she will not listen to me!!! Which she has not been listening to me for quite some time now!
I will not let her get her driver's license due to the fact that she won't get a job. My reasoning is that if she don't have a job, what is the sense in having a driver's license. She won't have money to pay for gas, insurance, registration, a car in its self!!
What am I to do??? There is like no help for parents with defiant kids.
I went through it with my DS. Who is actually a year younger than DD. He was in trouble all the time, not with the law, at that point. I would ask the school, what can I do??? Who can help??? All I get is well, you could do this and you could do that. No, at home discipline seems to work!! Finally after DS getting in trouble with the law three times, we finally got help with him.
Is this what it takes to get outside support with "bad" kids. To get in trouble with the law three times!! Before, the law/state starts to help discipline these children.
Apparently a good ole' swat on the rear-end will get either DH or I in the hands of social services!!
Where can I turn for help????? This is not a good environment, for my 10 and 5 y.o. to be in! As of right now the two little ones are good kids, 10 y.o. is in by the time we tell her, with no complaints. She was even chosen as a safety patrol for school out of about sixty kids, there were 10 chosen, and she was one. Because of her attitude, caring compassion, and good grades, and school attendance.(as of right now she has perfect attendance for the school year)
I think a lot may come from DH and I being teens raising the older two when we were still teens. But, I don't feel as though I am doing much different with the two littler ones, than what I did with the older two!!
Would child services be able to help?? The school?? The cops???
Who can help???
When I was young, I always said I wanted to be someone...I guess I should have been more specific!
Mom2-4, what about a church youth group? Do you think you could get her involved in something like that? A church might also have a support group of parents going through the same things with their teens. This is a tough situation, but I think you are doing the right thing in taking away privileges. Just remember that you are good parents and you are doing the right things. Probably a lot of it is due to peer pressure and just the age that lots of kids start to go through that rebellion stage to be independent. I'll be thinking of you. Keep your chin up-you are a great mom!
Oh, I meant to say I don't know what religion you are, but there is a tape series called Growing Kids God's way that is excellent. The teenage section is wonderful. Anyway, hth. I'm no expert, but I have a pretty good listening ear. You take care.
My parents raised a 2 of their grandchildren, when they started acting up they went to juvenile detention and had them placed on probabtion for incorrigibility. They were on probabtion for 6 months. During that time they behaved. When the 6 months were up, if they miss behaved they were taken back to juvenile court and placed back on probation.
My nephew didn't do well on probabtion, he ended up being placed in a juvenile detention shelter.
My niece was okay on probation. When it ended though, she got mixed up with a bunch of undesirables and as soon as she turned 18 moved in with her boyfriend and his parents. She was told if she moved out, she wasn't allowed to move back in.
Also, both had to get a job when they were old enough. The paycheck had to be split in thirds.
One third went into a savings, one third went to my parents for neccesities, and the other was theirs to spend on cd's, movies,
etc. Most of the time they had to save their one third for a week or so to have enough to spend. But that worked well.
Neither was allowed to have a driver's license unless they could prove themselves to be deserving of it.
Just the thread I need! I don't know what to do with our ds anymore either. I wish I could put him in the service but he has health, both mental and pyhsical issues. I am getting ahold of the counselor today and see what else we can do. I was told once to kcik him out on his own. How can I do that when I KNOW he doesn't have enough common sense to keep food in the house and his bills paid? I don't think kicking him out inot the street is the answer. He only wants to hang out with the trroubled kids anyway......
Be your wild, courageous, brillant self, every day.
I'd be tempted to remove her from the home. But there are things to try before resorting to that.
Unfortunately sometimes, older siblings are role models for younger kids. They're watching and discovering that that disrespectful behavior is acceptable to you and your dh. You need to show them by your actions that it is not or you may end up with the same problems with them. It's not the police's job to discipline your children, or even to help do it. Nor is it anyone else's responsibility other than you and your husband's.
You don't have to stick to your guns on what limits/rules you have now, maybe they can be adjusted. Though if you haven't already, calmly discuss with her what to do about certain situations or inform her of what those rules and limits are. Ask her what she thinks would be fair, not just what she wants. Regarding a driver's license, maybe you can let her know that you will drive her to and from work until she has worked for (X amount of time) and at that point you will reconsider her getting licensed. But she should also be aware that her overall behavior will be considered, too.
Radio volume is way too loud? Let her know what the maximum is on that as well by marking it on the dial. Let her know that if she exceeds it and doesn't respect your or your dh's request that she turn it down to an acceptable level, that one of two things will happen. It will be taken away or you will break the volume dial off at an even lower volume. It's her choice. That seems to be one of the biggest things with kids/teens. They need to be given choices and they need to realize consequences. But doing your own thing regardless of anyone else is not one of those choices.
I have 2 grown children and a grandchild and another on the way. First, let me ask you why you HAVE to give them a radio? I mean, television, radio, CDs, cars, etc..are all extras. Drive them to school or make them take the bus--heaven for bid. If they want to get CDs, radio, TV, car, etc.. let them earn them. Tell them that if they call the cops, you will let them stay at a foster home. They can be arrested for calling the cops on a false charge.
They are testing you to see how far they can go. Do not let them rule the home! They didn't become deviant overnight and you won't gain control of the home again overnight. Stick to your guns. Trust me--it WILL be difficult while you are trying to maintain contol again. PM me if you need anything. I'll be fairly free until college starts again in August. I'm a psych major--which is hard!
I am the mom of two teen boys, ages 14 & 16-1/2. We've had our share of problems with the older son, so I guess I feel qualified to talk to you about your daughter.
"Beckri" on this thread had some great advice. You first need to sit down (you, your husband, and your daughter) and make a list of household rules (whatever is important to you and your family - radio volume, how much TV she can watch, homework rules, chores, curfew) AND the consequences. For instance, what are the consequences of having the radio turned too loud after she's been asked to turn it down? (Taking it away for whatever period of time you decide on is a good consequence.) What is the consequence for breaking curfew? What are the consequences for not completing chores?, etc. You don't have to act like army sargeants; there is some give and take here. Let her have her say, but also let her know that ultimately YOU are in charge.
There should also be consequences to her not getting a job. For instance, do not buy her ANYTHING. If she wants money to go out with her friends, or to buy makeup, or a new CD, etc. - tough! That's what having a job is for.
And I totally agree with you that you should not let her get her license until she a) follows household rules and b) gets a job. Make her pay her portion of the car insurance and gas costs.
My advice to you is go talk to your office of Child Services and see what they consider as abuse to children. Then sit down with your daughter and have the discussion on what the house rules are to be and the consequences that would be for breaking them. You could also make a contract with her if necessary and have it notarized so that there wouldn't be any misunderstandings about what you expect from her.
With my two daughters, we made them buy their own cars and pay for the insurance and anything they wanted that wasn't the basics. With my son who just turned 21 and is going to college and living at home yet and no job. We just had him sell the van he had bought and needed work on it. Because we were paying his insurance for him and he was driving our second vehicle and leaving his set. He's not happy. But he needs to get a job and earn the money instead of us always paying for his wants.
We've also had friends who have kids who've skipped school. And the mom went to school with her son for the whole day in her housecoat and her hair in rollers and embarrassed them enough to make them not want to skip school again.
And in the case of the noisy radio, if it runs on electricity. You could always flip the breaker switch to that area of the house if it won't interfer with the rest of the family's well-being. Then maybe you could use a system where she could earn the privilege/s like an hour(s) of use of the power in her room. If she stays out of trouble for a week. Or shows that she can be responsible for getting a driver's license and maintain it's needs herself.
Just my thoughts but, hope it helps you some.
To a point I know what you are going through. My DD is 16 1/2 also. She's defiant, wanting something all the time and only thinking of herself. You and your DH really need to sit down with her and really talk with her. Not just about the rules, but everything. She's lashing out for a reason and you need to find out what that reason is. My DD used to think that she ran the house, but not anymore. We found out that if you make rules in the household, and she doesn't follow them, then punishment will follow. I don't mean abusive, I mean grounding, taking away anything that is important to her, anything that will make her to stop and to start thinking. We also talk to her alot. And I mean alot. She gets sick and tired of our "talks" but we have found out that she has opened up more with us, and that also she comes to us when something is wrong. We tell our kids to not forget who the parents our in the household.
I'm going today and take my DD to get her permit. We are making her pay for the insurance. She wasn't happy about that, but it's something she needs to learn about responsiblilty. Kids now a days do not know that word because we do everything for them.
I think that a job really helped my DD attitude alot. She knows that if she wants something expensive, that she buys it. Usually it takes awhile for her to save because we get her check (for car insurance) and we also get half of her tips(for her cell phone). That doesn't usally leave her with alot, but she knows if she wants these things then she needs to pay.
I also have a younger son. LOL...He has learned what not to do. So we are having no problem with him.
Sorry this is long, and I probably didn't make any sense, but to me the biggest thing you need for your child is communication. Talk, Talk, Talk, but also Listen.
I hoped that I have helped you in some way. I really do feel for you.
If you ever do need to talk, just let me know.
__________________ A friend is someone who will be there for you....a friend is someone who will listen to you....a friend is someone who will comfort you....That friend is God!