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Step-Parenting Ask other step-parents your questions about being a step mom.

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Old 02-04-2007, 11:58 AM
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Step-daughter Causing Problems

This is my first post so I hope I am doing it right. I have been with the same man for two years, we have been married for one of those years. My husband has three daughters (ages 16, 14, and 11) The two oldest share a mother who they don't have much contact with, they live with us. The youngest has a different mother who she has placement with and we have her every other weekend. I also have two daughters (ages 7 and 3) that live with us na dmy husband and I have a seven month old son together. It's a house full. My problem is with my oldest step daughter, Alyshia. I have come to realize that when my husband and I are going through a rough patch in our marriage, she will be my best friend....according to her I am all she has and she hates her father. I defend my husband because I don't like to hear her say things like that. When my husband and I have gotten counseling and started trying to fix things and work together in parenting Alyshia begins to show anger for me and says she hates me. Recently things have gotten worse, Alyshia has a lot of emotional issues, she is currently on a mood stabilizer used on Bipolar patients she tends to show narcissistic personality characteristics. The reason her mother is not in her life is because Alyshia has accused Mom's husband of molesting her and Mom doesn't believe her. Social Services became involved on this issue but they don't seem to believe Alyshia, we were told her story has indescrepities in it, she also doesn't behave in a manner of a child who has been molested around this man....there is no fear in her actions. She tells us she has flashbacks and nightmeres but I have watched her run up to her mother and hug her with this man standing right next to Alyshia's mom and it didn't even faze her. When Alyshia does anything wrong she always goes back to blaming it on her "abuse". She is an expert at playing the victim in just about any situation. Now she has decided she wants her father and I to divorce, her reason for that is because she says she can't handle our fighting. Now we are in some therepy and we have not fought in two weeks nad now Alyshia says that she is going to take whatever measures it takes to come between us. She has told her father he has to choose...her or me. My husband is torn apart because he wants to do what is best for his child and doesn't want to lose her. Alyshia is great at manipulating to get her way and she will go to extreme measures to get there including lying cheating and hurting anyone who stands in her way. I don't know what to do because I love my husband, we just had a baby together who needs both of his parents. I have done everything I could to be a good parent to my children and step children and I am hurt that Alyshia suddenly has shown me this anger and hatred. What do I do? My husband can be very defensive when it comes to his oldest daughter and I don't want him to become angry with me but I know that this child needs some dicipline and she needs to know that lying and manipulation are not the right way to get what you want.
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Old 02-04-2007, 12:29 PM
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Deanna3mmj, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know you said that you and your dh have gone to counseling, it sounds like you need to get your sdd (I guess that's the right abbreviation for step-daughter) into counseling. She's obviously not a happy child and has issues that need to be dealt with. You & your dh need to discuss this issue with your therapist also. I'm sure they can give you some information to help you work through this. Make an appt. w/ your sdd's pediatrician to discuss these things and get a referral to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist - someone who can help your sdd. I would think there are probably some sites on the internet that deal with these kinds of issues and there are probably some good books to help you and your family deal with these things. Somehow you need to find out the truth about the abuse because if it is true and no one has believed her she will have a lot of trouble in the future. If it's not true she needs to be helped to admit this and realize that she can't accuse people of these types of things because it can ruin a lot of lives. Good luck dealing with this. I'm sure you'll get a lot of good advise on this thread from the other ladies. I'll be praying for your family.
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Old 02-04-2007, 03:03 PM
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Welcome, Deanna!

I am moving this post to the Step-parenting forum so that more people who have expertise in this area can give you advice
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Old 02-04-2007, 04:11 PM
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More Information About Step-daughter

Now, as for Alyshia's accusations of abuse, it has just recently come to our knowledge that she could be lying. I have always been extremely supportive of her in fact it was when her dad and I first started dating that she came forward about this. She confided in me and I finally got her to tell her father with me sitting right beside her holding her hand. I have never once told her that I don't believe her. We don't know how to go about finding out the truth, we may never know. Alyshia has been in counseling before, unfortunately she is so good at manipulating that it really didn't do much good. She wasn't being open and honest with her therepist so her therepist was unable to give her the help she needs. The issue with the possible abuse is like a double edged sword. If she is telling the truth and her biological mother doesn't believe her than that will be emotionally traumatic for her, not only the abuse but her mom not believing her. If she is lying then that is a pretty big accusation to be untruthful about so this girl must have serious problems and if Alyshia is capable of lying about that then what else is she capable of lying about?
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