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Parenting Issues Adoption, kids going to college, multiple children, step parenting, empty nesters, pregnancy issues and more. stay at home parents, working parents, so much to discuss here!

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Old 07-14-2005, 05:57 PM
sharlibird's Avatar
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(NOT) Receiving Child Support

Hi Ladies (and Gentlemen),

Is there anyone else here that is supposed to receive child support, but doesn't? Or receive it spordically? And dh (or other significant half) have to pay child support when you're not receiving it?

Sometimes it makes me so angry that we're living paycheck to paycheck and have to pay for a child we've never seen or heard from, except thru social services child support division. And my ex doesn't pay his support regularly. It's been more than 2 months since I received a payment from him -- and two months prior to that since the previous payment.

I know why my ex doesn't pay -- he hurt his back (not on the job) and it's been raining a lot where he lives (can't work when it's raining/muddy) -- but that doens't make it any easier. And I know why my husband has to pay...but it just eats at me sometimes.

Logic and feelings don't always coincide, do they?

What do you all do when this happens? I am actually able (now -- after 14 years) to contact my ex and talk/write to him about the situation. Sometimes, it's the counties/states involved -- he lives in a different state than I do -- holding back the money even tho they're not supposed to.
-OR-maybe that's just a coincidence that most of the time, right after I talk with him, within a couple of days, I've gotten a payment.
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Old 07-22-2005, 09:58 AM
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I haven't received child support in so long that my X now owes me over $25,0000.00 !!! I have contacted the child support enforcement unit, I have taken him to court only to get there and find that they have scheduled the hearing with a judge who could not preside in my case, I have written letters and emails and all it has gotten me is more debt. Honestly I wish that the US did more for parents who do not get the support they are entitled too. We live paycheck to paycheck, it isn't easy. It's not fair to the kids either. They don't see him, talk to him or know anything about their own father for over two years now. [his choice not mine] I have to go back to court but of course the lawyer wants more money that I don't have. I imagine my X will end up in jail when we do go to court for non support and arrears. I wish I could understand why a man feels like he doesn't have to support his own children and how he can walk away after being a Dad for so long and just seem to pretend that his children do not exist. By the way, when I went to court, my X made a $400.00 payment and then I found out a couple weeks later that he wrote a bad check and the payment was voided......... Now why would he do that??? I do not understand our judicial system.

As far as having to pay child support if you are not receiving it? Are you asking if your husband should pay his when you don't receive yours? If that is what the question is, the answer is that your husband should always pay his. His and yours have nothing to do with each other and his children are entitled to the support he gives. If he needs it lowered you can petition the courts to have it lowered. And if he wants to visit his children, he can again petition the courts for that also. I have no idea what your situation is but I do know that all Dads should and are liable to pay their child support. And since you are one who receives I imagine you know what it is like when you don't get it and how hard it is to survive.

You can contact your states child support enforcement unit for help in collections however it is slow, they never did anything for me. I had to save up money to get a lawyer and now I have to save up money to continue with the lawyer.

Best of luck

Fish3711
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Old 07-22-2005, 10:45 AM
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I understand what you are going thru, only my DH doesn't have to pay for any other children....

I have an ex who pays sporadically himself. He feels that if he doesn't work, he should have to pay. Right now, he is a substitute teacher for the school district locally here - so when he doesn't work, we don't get child support.

It really ticks me off b/c he was suppose to get his degree in sports medicine Spring of 2002. Once his attorney saw that I went soft and allowed him to pay the minimum until he got his degree, and the judge closed out our case and made it a FINAL deal - he decided he didn't have to hold a permenant job!!

My DH takes care of my daughter. He has been there for her more than her own sperm donor (pardon my language, but that is the NICEST way I am going to allow him to have it attached to her biologically!). I believe he feels he doesn't have to do much b/c someone else is doing it for him. He doesn't even keep a consistent relationship with my daughter - only when it is convenient for him.

Must be nice!! I don't have it like that, but his family seems to rag me for "not allowing" them to see her when it isn't even like that....

Unfortunately, my case went thru the State since I was on state aid for awhile. So, I have to wait until January 2006 and to get more than what I am getting now.

But, I hope to have my husband adopt her by next summer so I won't have to deal with this until my daughter is 18!!
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Old 07-22-2005, 02:39 PM
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A familiar boat we are all in

Yes, been theremany times I have had the same problem with no support payments coming in at all. I have one that chooses to pay child support if and when he pleases, but I don't dare mess up with his visits or he writes the Michigan agency and they come down on me. They tell you that visitation and support does not go hand in hand, they are seperate issues. So even though I am owed over $5,000 I still have to send my child from Florida to Michigan 4 times a year. It is sad, but she is now 10 and able to "put up with him" her words, ha ha, during the visits. Had we have stayed in Michigan, it would have been every other weekend. He is now a 6week a year dad, and is happy with that. We don't hear from him any time other then the time to visit and that is fine with us.

If your husband pays child support or not he is entitled to visitation. If you do pay support for a child I encourage you to get the visitation in writing from the court. You do not need a lawyer. It does help. But the judge will have to listen to you if you go yourself. Just be FULLY prepared to prove your case, take all payment records with you. All previous visitation attempts or visits documented. You do not have lots of time to present the case and the judge can't listen to "he said, she said" things. Just present the facts and ask for what you want. I was crying my eyes out the first time in court and was told to straighten up and stop crying, the judges have seen so many crying people it is all a game to them and they won't take you seriously and throw you and your case out. They base support on income levels of both parents in most cases. And in many states this can be changed after 2 years time.

As far as the adoption thing, the only way that the child can legally be adopted be the new stepfather is that the father has to give up his rights. Easier said then done. Be very careful!!! I had a friend who it took two years (and a lot of lawyers fees) for her new husband to adopt the 2 children. They had to talk the father into it. Which after learning that he wouldn't have to pay support anymore, he agreed. The problem is when they went to the court that day to finalize it, he was a no show. Therefore, all that money and time for nothing and the judge threw it out and they had to start over again. After almost going to court the second time they put the dad in jail for being $29,000 in arrears. But before they could get him to sign the papers, he paid in full and took off. The sad thing was within a year of this happening the marriage broke up between the mom and the stepfather, because of all of this. He still comes over to visit the kids, (nice man) and gives her money for them. But it ruined their marriage, probably what the ex had in mind all along. So just be very careful pursuing this.

I wish everyone the best. Keep your head up high. I live by my means and when we get a check, that is fun money for her!! Best of luck,
Bren :-)
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Old 07-24-2005, 07:20 PM
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I never meant that my husband should not have to pay his support...I was only saying that it doesn't seem fair that the court system stridently enforces the issue for those of us who work, but "overlooks" the ones who work sporadically or have problems getting/holding a job and can "explain" why. That, and besides the point that we have never seen, nor will we ever see, the child he supports (unless she decides to come to us after she turns 18).

I just spoke with my ex the other day & he said that he has some leads on another job. The one he has now means that he can't work when it rains (logging). Well.....we'll see if I get any support out of this job, huh?

My son is due back tomorrow night from his month-long visit with his dad. I guess with him being there (he's 16), his dad is making a little more of an effort to get support to us, but he has two "new" mouths to feed too (step-son & new baby). But, as he once put it to me, "that's not my problem". At least we can talk now about it ('course it's been 14 years since we broke up).
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Old 07-27-2005, 10:08 AM
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Unfortunately, this is a scenario I KNOW all too well. My dd will be 5 in November. Her "donor" as I also call him, has decided to never even see her, or a picture, his choice, not mine. I tried to forge a relationship between them while I was still pregnant, even though I left his sorry behind. I left contact numbers and addresses for him to find us until she turned two. He did call me one time when she was 8 weeks old, and he didn't even ask about her....I had to tell him, and I regret telling him what I did. He only pays support when it is ordered, and at this time hasn't paid since February. He is now 900.00 in arrears, and I know it isn't much, but I don't make much either.

I'm getting ready to relocate again, but I have no plans of informing him, because he obviously doesn't care. I don't know what I'll do if he ever tries to come see her, because I don't want her life being messed up and confused. The sad thing is he has 2 other living children, that he is very much a part of their lives. Some people.
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Old 07-27-2005, 12:59 PM
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child support or lack of

I am sorry to hear that beckanoah, it seems that there are way more of us in this club than should be. [the I don't receive my child support club] A club that none of us signed up for or wants to be in. How sad and unfair for us all. Thanks for sharing your story, I hope more women do [share their stories] and I hope in our near future we see our government do more to make it mandatory that these men [and some women] pay the child support due.
Felicia
Fish3711
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Old 07-27-2005, 01:01 PM
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Thanks Felicia...



Yeah, there seems to be a lot of people in the situation. I just wish the other side would realize how much WE"VE had to give up to care for our kids, and that we're not asking much........
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Old 07-27-2005, 07:17 PM
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What steams me is that each and every man that has put us in this sort of spoti n life feels that they deserve some kind of visitation to see their children - but it should be around their schedules, routines, and times -

Heaven forbid if they have to go by our time tables of being the 24-7 parents.

I love how my daughter's biological father feels compelled to do it based on the convenience of "Oh I thought of her today, I should pick up the phone" - yet us upset at me and blames me for him not knowing his own daughter.

Granted, there are probably some men out there who are in our shoes as well - but I have yet to meet one in my area!!
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Old 07-28-2005, 04:40 AM
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My husband is kinda' in that same boat, except his is with pleasure. His ex left him with 2 small boys out of the blue back in '92. The boys are now 20 & 19. The youngest has Down's Syndrome & the mom never did any therapy with him like she was supposed to (scheduled thru the local mental health center)...she was too busy taking them to "parties" with her...or leaving them at home with their older sisters (only a few yrs older). She has never paid CS AND until recently didn't even owe any. He was scared to file CS against her for fear of retribution...she's really wacky. Anyhow...she has never even wanted to see the boys since she left.

When he finally took her to court, she claimed she was destitute, leaving in a storage shelter (which you cannot do....it's illegal). At the time, she was married, living in same state (different county), but just to keep from paying, she left her husband and started staying with friends in VA. She'll never pay CS; she said she'd go to jail first. CS agency said that since she gave her address as the storage unit, she lives in VA -- VA CS cannot find her. NC refuses to believe that she also stays w/hubby in NC (even if they are separated). What a mess!!!

'Course with her mentality, the boys are better off where they are.
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