should I be worried

[madmum]

I am really struggling with our marriage at the moment, I think we are in a rut where life is a routine with nothing that changes in it.

Hubby works, 4 on and 4 off. I am trying to get back into work fully now that our youngest has gone into school, but not having much luck.

I am suffering from depression, but only told a dr about it, no one else knows about it. Hubby knows I'm low but asks no questions.

Recently he has become really lazy, he sits at his computer whenever he is off work and stays there till his meals are made then he eats and returns.

I asked him the other night to put the children to bed so I could get the washing in, and from his computer was his response "what now?"

Now I know that I don't work and I know that he is tired after a days work and I don't expect him to to much, but a little help with the children from time to time would be nice, also when his days off are I do expect some help, but he has given up doing anything.

He has been sleeping in everyday he is off, I asked for a lie in just for one day and he said yes , rolled over and surfaced nearer lunch time

I have asked him if he is happy with us, he said yeah, I asked if work was ok, asked how he was feeling and the same answer. He seems ok while at the computer but after that I see nothing of him. We go to bed at separate times. I can't talk to him when he is on the computer cos it interrupts his film or music

what have I done?

I got annoyed the other day with him (which very rarely happens - we don't argue or raise voices) an he said that he was having his day off work

I am losing it now and it is starting to haul my depression lower

Am I being unreasonable for asking him to help out a little?

[Joy]

Are you getting help for your depression? Is there anyone you and Dh could see together as a couple? (Counselor or clergy)
It doesn't sound like you have much time for you and your DH to be together by yourselves. Maybe you have a neighbor or friend who would be willing to trade babysitting time so you could do something together as a couple.

[Cooked]

Madmum, I am sorry to hear about your bad time. I too have depression and medication does seem to help most days.
You don't say how long you have been married. My dh and I have been through times like this many times, sad to say, but each time we seem to get stronger.
I do not think it is wrong for you to ask him to help out. SAHM get tired and lonely, whether the kids are home or not. Did he do these things before?
I have found that nagging only makes things worse. Sometimes I have resorted to building up his ego (I know, it sounds bad, but it can be a good thing) so that he wants to do things. Are there other things you like to do together? Sometimes, if you begin to have a "relationship" outside the house, it can help the relationship inside the house.
Please, if you start to feel really depressed, call someone or go out or pm me, I will be there for you, you need a friend right now!

[DeBora4BobbyL]

First, I would highly suggest that you AND your DH see a psychiatrist, who specializes in medications that also treat depression, to get a diagnosis. Your DH may be depressed too. That would explain why he just wants to sleep and do nothing. However, only a doctor can make the diagnosis. Also, antidepressants take a few weeks to even begin working because they work on slow moving brain receptors. So, you might want to give that some time too. In addition, exercise, as difficult as it is to do when one is depressed, will help activate your parasympathetic nervous system thus activating your "feel good" enzymes.

I also suggest that you don't hide anything from your DH. You are wanting him to help you and you want a better marriage. You cannot have that if you are not being completely forthcoming with him.

Marriages go through several transitional stages if there is nothing else going on, such as job loss, death of a child, and so on. Each stage poses a new challenge for each spouse. Plus, men are just not relationship oriented. We women think that we can communicate with them in the same way that we communicate with our female friends and coworkers. However, they do not communicate in the same manner. You have to ask them SEVERAL times to do anything if you really expect them to do it. Once you understand that is normal, you won't be so resentful. Also, don't expect him to LOVE doing the job. He will probably hate it and mope about it. If you want to sleep in once in awhile, that is the way it will be.

There is a terrific book that is easy to read titled, His Needs Her Needs, by William F Harley. It demonstrates the 5 basic needs of a man that must be met by the wife and vice versa. Marriages need to breath, so you want to be able to do some things apart and some things together. Here are some questionnaires from the author of that book. If you are wanting to do things together, you could start with the Recreational Enjoyment Inventory. The cool part about this is it will first, give you something to do together and discover about each other, and second, you will find out what events and hobbies that you both like to do or would be willing to do together.

I agree with the others about finding a counselor. You may be able to find one that specializes in marriage or couples counseling. However, if you don't find that there is rapport very soon with this person, then keeping trying until you find one that you like. If you get one that immediately wants you to separate--run! LOL I don't know why some do that, but you can NOT work through your issues unless you are together working on them. Even if one of you is having an individual problem, it affects the both of you. Find someone who understands that. Good luck!

[madmum]

Thank you all very much for your support and guidance.

we have been married 14 years - 15 in sept.
I am getting help from my gp and she is referring me to he crisis team. I aren't on medication as she doesn't trust me with them.

We had some time while the children were at my mums after school and we sat and talked. I asked him if he would consider going to marriage guidance/counselling but he point blank refused. He said people with problems go to them and we haven't got problems. I told him I wasn't happy and I thought it would he us become more of a family unit, but he said things were all good as they are.

I offered to tell him about how I was feeling and why, but he said that's a females domain and the dr will sort it out. He has never been a good listener, I knew that when I married him and I accept that.

The thing that has got me through it is that he has always helped out, we have done the chores together, we have gone out for walks together, etc etc, but him not doing anything is very unlike him. I do love him and always will, he is a good guy.
we do nothing any more, he never wants to.

I think I am going to seek a private counsellor for myself, after the crisis team has been in.
I will have to put up and shut up I think

Thank you again for your help
it is much appreciated :D

[DeBora4BobbyL]

Keep in mind that my suggestions are based on the fact that I do NOT know your DH or your family history or culture and I am making assumptions. First, I think it is good to seek individual counseling if he refuses to go. Try to find one who is also a marriage counselor so that you can find someone who understands.

Next, men typically do not respond to their wives telling them that their marriage is bad or that they are unhappy. However, they DO respond well to consequences. Men are happy with the things they are, especially if they are in a rut! LOL Therefore, YOU may have to implement the change and demonstrate to him consequences. Does he know that you called the crisis line? Do not spare him anything. You need to make sure he knows what is going on.

Get in to see a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis. I know how things work in the US, but not in other countries. Here, you have to receive a diagnosis in order for the insurance to pay for the doctor. Psychiatrists are better than doctors in diagnosing disorders such as depression, anxiety, and so on. They are better able to know which drug might work best for you and how long it takes to work. Doctors tend to overprescribe and you may not get the correct medication.

Good luck!

[stekim]

Life is so hard sometimes, isn't it? We have had difficult times in our marriage but we work through them & things get better....

In my experience, my husband can't take it when I tell him I'm not happy - he takes it as a personal insult to him - I work part time, 3 days a week from 8:30 - 2:30 - So, he feels that because he works outside the home & I only do it "part time" that I should be deliriously happy & that all the housework etc should be done & that I don't need to have him help me etc but there are times, I have to admit, when I need the extra help - We as women just can't do it all, even though we try our hardest!!!

So, I get it out, do alot of praying, take 1 lexapro tablet daily:-) & whenever he does anything that's good, I try to praise him - I had heard somewhere that if we just tell our husbands 1 thing a day that we are proud of them about, they really perk up, feel better about themselves & feel more open to what we want them to help us with - Men really like to be praised - We do too, but don't get it that often LOL - but they seem to have this thing in them that needs to be told that they are doing really good - It really helps.

I hope that you have a great mothers day!!! You are in my prayers.....

[dakaremom]

I totally know where you are coming from. I to am having problems with my marriage. My oldest dd has caught my dh talking to other women on the phone at 2 am and brought it to my attention-- we looked on the cell phone records and i confronted him about it he claimed it was just people he played online games with, if that was the case why so it so early in the morning and he also told me on time he was cleaning the closet upstairs at that time in the morning. The same dd aslo found a disturbing pic of her dad on his phone --he asked her to fix something on his phone and she accidently found it. i to saw it not sure how to confront him about it. All of my girls have told me that he tells them to keep secerts from me and that is tearing them apart the youngest is 14 and she is really having a hard time she is stressing really bad so im putting her in couseling to help with that. the campus life group leader also told me to get counceling for all of my issues as well --dealing with him cheating,emotionally and phyiscally-- also he lies all the time I'm sure if the truth kicked him in the face he wouldn't know it. he also bought a a puppy when his brother did and he told me it wasn't his but he always bought stuff for it and named it. Everyone in his family knew it was his --he kept it at his brothers house--so when we went to visit I looked like an idiot when i called it his brothers dog, he finally admitted he bought it to be spiteful ,that really hurts and to top it all off he hasn't been working for almost 2 yrs and we are struggling, we already have 2 dogs outside that he doesn't spend time with.I am so numb to it all not sure how to react.

[dakaremom]

I am just going through the motions everyday. I do home daycare and recently lost 2 of them and that is going to put a real burden on us. sorry to vent not sure where else to turn.