Joys & ConcernsShare any joys or concerns that you, your loved ones or friends might be encountering in their lives. Maybe you would just like to share something great that happened today to you, or something that is bothering you.
My husband had vasectomy about a year ago. I really didn't want him to. We were blessed with the money to have it reversed. He says he doesn't know if he would want more children, I say that I just want the option to have more. We are in our twenties. He said he would go ahead and have it reversed, but he wants me to know he may never want more children. I am okay with that, but I am afraid of getting pregnant if he doesn't want more. I can't take birth control pills, and nfp has failed us before. So now I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't get the reversal. I just don't want to feel horrible regret years later when the chances of a reversal working would be next to nothing. Any advice? Do men want children later in life like women do? We have 4 children now, but I keep having this nagging feeling our family is not complete. Anyway I would love some input.
DH got his vascectemy when he was in his late twenties and we were sure that we didn't want more children. However, my DHs wasn't reversable. My question would be: Will he always be able to reverse it? If he can always reserse it, then I wouldn't worry about it until you think you want more children. You will have plenty of time to change your mind later. That way, you will be able to enjoy knowing that you can't get pregnant until then.
One word of caution. I have heard that some men find that the tubes that were cut can grow back together after several year and cause them to be able to produce children again. So, be sure to ask about that possibility. If it is possible, he may need to be tested periodically.
I didnt have that one to decide but my son did and asked for my input. he hads 4 children and thay lost 2 the dr said that she was at a high risk and said that if she got pregnet again he wouldnt garentee that her or the baby would live. so I told him about the dangers to her on a histermecty and having tubs tied and about a vastomcy. well he had it done 2 years ago and thay are now very happy as no more worrys about her helth or getting pregent any more he was tested again last month and every thing is fine.
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Oh Bunny, you will be truly missed by your FC friends God's speed.
It has been nice not to have the worry about getting pregnant. We have been told that you usually need to have the vasectomy reversed within five years or there is even less of a chance that it will work. I guess that's why I felt like we needed to do it sooner than later.
Happy, thanks for the info about reversals. I didn't know there was a time limit for those to be successful. I can not speak for your spouse, but I don't think men generally have this "graving" for children later in their lives as we women sometimes do. Personally, I doubt that your DH will change his mind about wanting children later--especially since he already has 4 now.
I sense that your DH is willing to have the vasectomy reversed for you, but not because he really wants the reversal? I also sense that you want it reversed, not because you really want children, but rather because you want the security of knowing that you can have them if you wanted to? This is just my opinion, but I think you should ask yourself why you think a family of 6 couldn't be complete. It could be that no matter how many children you have, you may still feel this way until you work out why you feel that way. Another idea is to put your money, that you were blessed with, in the bank in case you want to do the reversal later. Then, allow yourself another year or two before deciding, for sure, whether or not to have the surgery.
One other thing, I don't know much about your situation, but it sounds as though your DH loves you very much if he is willing to go through a surgical procedure for you.
I noticed on another thread that you are from NM. Do you wish to share what part of NM you are from? I am going to school in Las Cruces and my primary address is Carlsbad. Good luck!
Thank you for your reply Deborah. We are in Belen, about an hour away from Albuquerque. Are you from new mexico, or just going to school here.
As far as your suggestion about just saving the money that is what I will do. I thought about it alot yesterday, and just don't want to put my dh through this when he really doesn't want to. I told him if he ever wanted more children to tell me. If not then it would be okay. He said exactly the same thing to me, that he didn't know when I would ever feel the family was complete. He also thinks there is some underlying reason for me wanting more children. I think something that will always bother me is that 3 days before my husband had the vasectomy, my son who was 3 and knew nothing of the procedure started asking me if he could have a brother. He's got 3 sisters. I just thought the timing was wierd. Now he is 5 and a half, and even if we did have a boy, they would be pretty far apart in age. I guess I really wanted to try one more time to have a brother for him. That window is kind of gone now, and I am starting to let it go. Also we have been through infertility before, and I know how bad it hurts to want a baby and not be able to have one. So I guess that's it. Do you feel okay with your husband getting the vasectomy? How long ago was it? If those questions are too personal I understand. I would just love some insight from someone who has been there. Also how many children do you have?
None of the questions are personal at all. I am a native Texan. My DH was transferred to NM in December of 1999. I didn't come down with him until June of 2000 as our youngest DD was in the middle of her senior year in HS. I started college in the fall of 2002. I got a transfer scholarship after I got my AA in CJ in 2005. I will get my BA in psychology in May with a minor in forensics. I will go to a graduate school in Texas this coming fall.
My DH's mother's side of the family are all from NM though. In a PM I will be glad to give you their names as they are all from the Deming area, but his cousin and her DH were ministers in Belen for a long time and his aunt and uncle still live there. My DH has a wonderful family.
I have 2 children. My oldest is a boy who is 26 years old. My youngest is a girl who is 24. My DH is extrememly shy and if you remind me to tell you the story of what happened the day he got his vasectomy, I will be glad to tell you. It is hilarious.
DH and I talked for a very long time before we decided for him to have the vasectomy. He didn't want me to have my tubes tied because he felt that messing with the area that produces hormones in women might be a mistake. Plus, the surgery for women is more aggressive and more dangerous, so he made the sacrifice.
I remember when my DH first got his vasectomy. I was so afraid that I would change my mind later. It was scary doing something so permanent. We have never regreted the decision we made. My DH is the children-a-holic in our family, if that makes since? He just loves children and seems to go through withdrawels when they leave. Now, we have 2 grandchildren through my DD. Let me tell you. There is no greater feeling than the feeling that you get with grandchildren. They are totally worth the wait and the pain that children give you when you are raising them. I have discovered that if I do a good job raising my children, then I will have the opportunity to spend time enjoying my GKs. The saying, "If I had known grandchildren were going to be this much fun, I would have had them first" is SO true!
I have an analogy for you. Have you ever been around people who survived the Depression? They tend to hoard food. Also, they become extremely obsessive compulsive about being pack rats. (I wish I knew what my excuse was. lol) Anyway, much of this is due to the fact that deep down, they are afraid they will run out of food or that they won't have "things." Do I make since? Anyway, I am wondering if you are going through something similar because you were infertile? You know what it is like to want a baby and not have one so you want to make sure that you aren't put in that position again? I personally wouldn't plan to have more children if the reason is to give a child a sibling.
I think we women tend to go a lot on "gut feelings" or a "sixth sense." So, I totally understand what you mean. But, it may be nothing more than a coincidence that a sibling was mentioned. My DD is visiting right now. She, as well as her brother, would tell you that they never missed not having a sibling of the same gender. They are 2 years and 9 months apart, which was planned. If I had of gotten pregnant and had 3 children, I am sure I would have dealt with it, but I didn't. I am happy with the decision that I made. You can always talk to a professional if you want to get to the bottom of why you don't feel complete with 4 children. I may be wrong, but I bet you will still feel incomplete if you had 10 kids because I would be willing to bet that it isn't the children that you are needing or lacking.
I hope I answered your questions and I hope I didn't babble too much. I am willing to answer any questions that you have. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Your DH sounds supportive.
Thanks for your reply Debora. I really appreciate you taking the the time to share your story, and for your insight. My husband felt the same about me getting my tubes tied. He thought it would just be easier for him to have the vasectomy. I'm so glad I was able to exchange messages with you about this. My youngest decided to potty train the end of last week, and I'm thinking wow, we are done with diapers. I think the more she grows up, the more okay I am with not having more. I'm sure your analogy is correct about the depression era people. Those years were so hard when we couldn't have children. It seemed like everyone around us were having babies, even people who didn't want to. Of course everyone kept asking us when we were going to. I don't want to go through that feeling again. Of course I have children now, so it wouldn't be the same. Also you get so busy taking care of your children, and can't imaging a life outside of that. It's good to realize so much can be done when they are older and grown.
I'm glad to hear that your children feel that way about siblings. I think that's the perfect space between kids. I bet they had lots of fun while they were growing up.
That's awesome about about your school. It's sounds like you have worked very hard.
My husband wants us to move to Texas after he is done with school. He is going for computer science, and says there are some good companies there. From what I've seen of it seems like a nice place. Well, thank you again.
Happy, my DH seemed to go through the empty nest in a way that I did not. It was like a breath of fresh air to have the tormented teens out of the house. However, my DH agonized about the kids leaving. Now, we both LOVE having the GKs over, but it takes it harder when they leave. He seems to be more in touch with being a family man and being wrapped up in his children and grandchildren. Although I LOVE them and we are very close, I also enjoy the time I have as a woman, a student, and so on. It sounds like your DH and I relate more and you and my DH are more alike. I think that it is a nice balance that my DH is different than I am.
I do agree that your identity while you are raising your children is from them. I was always Adam's mom, Summer's mom, or Bruce's wife. I never really had an idenitity until my kids were grown. It IS a different life, but not a better life or a worse like. It's like when you enjoyed being a child. Now you are an adult. It isn't worse or better than being a child, just different. I personally have enjoyed all the stages of my life and I hope to continue to do so. Good luck to your DH in his schooling.
Happy6, I will share my story at some stage. I think that the advice of putting the money aside for a little while is a good one. It seems the relationship between you and your dh is great. If he really doesn't want more children and yet goes through the surgery for you, and then another pregnancy happens, will that change the relationship?
I too wanted as many kids as I could have, that ended up being 2! I love them both and wish that tere were more little people in my house, but I have learnt that I would never have had enough children, because I really want a baby and they don't stay that little for long!
Are you praying people? Pray together over this and be ready to let time pass as you solve the questions. You still have a couple of years to go before the time is gone!
__________________ Every day we write a memory on the heart of our family. What memories did you write today?
I didnt have that one to decide but my son did and asked for my input. he hads 4 children and thay lost 2 the dr said that she was at a high risk and said that if she got pregnet again he wouldnt garentee that her or the baby would live. so I told him about the dangers to her on a histermecty and having tubs tied and about a vastomcy. well he had it done 2 years ago and thay are now very happy as no more worrys about her helth or getting pregent any more he was tested again last month and every thing is fine.
God's speed.
