Help!!! I need Advice

BuddyBeanieBaby · #1 (**permalink**) 09-26-2006, 09:13 AM

My kids are driving me crazy.Has anyone else had this problem??? First my kids are grown,Crystal is 27,Sherri is 26 and Jason is 25,so they are not babies anymore they are adults.

To start this,my son got married August 13th,2004,his sisters refused to come to the wedding,okay that is their choice and decision.Jason has a 6 year old son by a previous girlfriend,well last June Jason's wife got physically violent with my 6 year old grandson,I better back up here,my son and his wife had a son together before they were married,okay when she got violent with my grandson I lost it,I did what I thought and still think was the right thing,I stood up for my grandson when no one else would stand up for him,now my son has not spoken to me since that day,he told me "You are no kind of a mother",which broke my heart,my son and I were always close,but his wife has seen to it that I may never see him again.As for their son together,he is 3 and very violent,I put up with being spit on,punched,kicked and bitten by him,I told his parents enough,I am not and will not put up with it,so we have not seen him since that day either,and to top it all off they have another child now,a daughter 6 months old,and we have never seen her.

What do I do,do I go against my beliefs and bow down to my son and his wife??? Do I allow his wife to abuse my other grandson??? Do I apologized to them for standing up and protecting my grandson???

This has been going on for over a year now,I don't know what to do??? My husband and I have done everything we can for my son and his family,and then to be cut out of his life is too much.I don't believe in my heart I did anything wrong,I did what anyone would have done for a child.

Now the second part of this is my 2 daughters,they are not speaking to each other.My oldest daughter Crystal has 2 children and was engaged to the father of her kids,Jay.Seems Jay has been telling Crystal stories about my other daughter,Crystal believes everything Jay tells her,Crystal thinks her own sister has been seeing Jay on the side,which is garbage,Sherri would never do something that horrible to her own sister,I am really at a loss with all of this.

Am I losing my mind??? Are my kids driving me crazy??? What should I do??? Should I step in and take one side over the other,no.I have told them both to grow up and work it out between them.Is this the wrong thing to do,just sit back and let them work it out??? I don't know any more.

Please I really need advice on both situations,I love my kids with all my heart.And I miss my son and grandchildren.I would like my daughters to work out their differences and be as close as they once were.

Please help!!!!

redcardinalbird · #2 (**permalink**) 09-26-2006, 11:33 PM

Theresa - I feel for you but cannot relate as my darlings are still young.

I think you did right in sticking up for your grandson as no child should be physically or verbally abused. Does this child live with them also? If not, what did his mother think about it. Not knowing all the facts I cannot say for sure but if there was abuse it should have been reported to Child Protective Services.

I would try to approach the son again and not mention the earlier incidences. Tell him you would love to see your granddaughter and see how it goes from there.

As for the daughter's they will have to work it out. Maybe they could go for counseling together.

BuddyBeanieBaby · #3 (**permalink**) 09-27-2006, 08:16 AM

No his oldest son does not live with him and his wife,which I am very thankful for,my grandson's mom is loving and caring,and would protect her child.I do feel I did the right thing in sticking up for him,I am sorry my son cannot see past his wife.Maybe some day he will and realize that this was not the first time his wife has done this to his son,its been on going since day one with her,she puts on a great act when my son is present but when he isn't around its a different story.Thank you for your advice and I will give it a try and see what happens.Thank you

redcardinalbird · #4 (**permalink**) 09-27-2006, 09:21 PM

I am glad he does not too. It is a wonder he wants to go visit them at all. If the stepmom is not careful the Mom could petition that he not be allowed to visit the father without supervision (to prevent the abuse).

Candy · #5 (**permalink**) 09-28-2006, 05:17 AM

BuddyBeanieBaby, You have to do what you feel is right and you can be comfortable with.
My children(5 )are grown and for the most part everything is o.k. I havee a slight problem with the youngest daughter.
But I have an ongoing problem with my first born whom I love with all my heart. He is an acoholic. He is mental and I don't know if it is the booze or what, he thinks everything is some one elses fault and refuses to take ownership to anything.he is 36 and i keep praying he fights his demons and comes round. He has a daughter that is 16 and he has never paid child support till she got into trouble and was put in a Christian rehab type place and they sued him for support. He got mad at his daughter for causing him finanial hardship etc. At the same time he blames me for not loving him and being a bad mom, etc. I have had to distance myself from the situation to survive. I have told him I love him and always will but can not deal with his drinking or attitude. He is welcome here sober but insists on being negative and blaming us for not being a true family towards him. Not to long ago he came over drunk and words became really volient toward his stepdad who he insists never loved him. He wants respect and to be treated like everyone else. Anyway I ended up calling the police for fear something horrible was going to happen. Tried to make this short but wanted you to know that others to have problems with grown children and maybe could help you. this breaks my heart but i know the Lord understands and I am doing the right thing. You deserve to live as you believe and I too could not live with myself if i didn't step in ,especially with the chil abuse concerns. You are doing the right thing in my opinion. We have nothing if we don't stand by our convictions in life. I don't think any other solution would make you feel better. You are doing what you need to do. strength and love to you.

BuddyBeanieBaby · #6 (**permalink**) 09-28-2006, 07:28 PM

Thank you for sharing with me Candy,my heart goes out to you and your son,your son knows you love him.
I feel I did the right thing in standing up for my grandson,he is a wonderful little boy and deserves to be happy.I recently found out that he does not want to visit his dad while my son's wife is there,but the court order is he has to spend 3 weeks with his father.I love my son with all my heart,but both my husband and I have done all we can for my son.
I did call and try to talk to him but he told me he wants nothing to do with me,and it is killing me,but I did try.As your son Candy,mine too blames me for almost everything that has gone wrong in his life.But someday too I hope he will realize that he is a man and responsible for his own life.

**bluebird** · #7 (**permalink**) 10-01-2006, 09:02 AM

Here are my thoughts. If your dil is abusing your gs, I think you need to tell someone, turn her in. How would you feel if she really hurt him? Another thought is since he is so violent, this could be due to being hit OR he could have a mental problem. Either way this family needs help.

With your dd's, could you sit down with both of them and talk? That is you do the talking and they can sit and listen, only at first. Maybe then you can work things out. If not maybe you could write a letter to each of them? And keep a copy for yourself.

My son blames me for everything wrong in his life too. The girlfriend he has now is plan scary. Her parents have diowned her which could be a good thing or it could be a bigger mess. I really wish my son would get HIS head fixed before getting involved with any girl.

dval · #8 (**permalink**) 10-01-2006, 09:44 AM

My son is still young, but I think if it were my grandson, I would definately tell someone about the abuse. The quicker it stops, the less permanent damage to the children there will be. And I don't mean just physical.
As for the older one, since he doesn't want to visit his dad when the stepmom is there, maybe his real mom needs to know this so she can go to court and at least petition for supervised visits. Does she even know that it has happened? Don't assume he told his mom. Maybe you could call him when he is with his mom and talk to him about it.
I believe the adults that witness abuse of any kind need to step in and speak up for the child. Even if it's not a relative. Perhaps it will then give the child the courage it needs to tell the police. We must watch out for the ones not strong or brave enough.
I grew up with a bully for a brother and was sexually abused by an uncle (so was my sister). I wish the ones that knew would have stuck up for me back then.
jmo

As for the two sisters, I would remind them in a letter or phone call that they grew up together so they should know each other well enough to know that the boyfriend is lying. Why is she so willing to ditch the sister and keep the cheating boyfriend? Even with the sister gone, cheaters will usually cheat again.

Jojess4 · #9 (**permalink**) 10-01-2006, 11:09 AM

I wish I had great words of wisdom but I don't. I do know that if you have witness the abuse of your grandson you have to report it. If possible get the mother involved. As for the other son, I would report that to social services to. No child should be allowed to act that way. All children go through phases, but this does not sound like a phase. It will unfortunately mean more hard feelings, but hopefully the children will then be better taken care of.
As for your daughters, I agree with what was mentioned above. Tell the one if she believes her boyfriend over her sister then she deserves the cheater she gets. You really should not take sides or be involved beyond telling them to grow up. I wish you the best.

BuddyBeanieBaby · #10 (**permalink**) 10-01-2006, 01:07 PM

Thank you
I have reported the abuse to the police,I would do anything to protect my grandson or any child that has suffered at the hands of someone else.My grandson is a wonderful child and we love him dearly and I did talk to him today and he loves school.
As for my daughter's I am praying that they will work out their differences between them.They are adults and should be able to talk out things between them,I live so far away from them that it breaks my heart to listen to each of them putting the other down,so I have decided that I will not call either one and hopefully they will start talking to each other.