Clean Jokes Only # 3

[Abear]

Okay everyone, the Clean Jokes Only 2 thread has been closed for exceeding the limit of 40 pages.

So, here is the beginning of a whole new Clean Jokes thread!

So............Let the Clean Jokes begin!

[Bilby]

Four youths from Canberra, Australia pulled off a trick of breathtaking
bravado in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating in
the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the
operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment
worked and how many cars the operator could catch in a day.

Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and
unscrewed its numberplate. After bidding the van operator good-bye, the
friends returned home, fixed the number plate to their car and drove through
the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times. As a result, the automated
billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself.

[janet]

Hey, Kathy they are some smart Aussie's there..Loved that!

janet

[Songberries]

Kathy - oh, that is too funny! I can't wait to tell that one to my dh and ds, they'll love it! Clever!

Carol

[Bilby]

There are such big debate over here at the moment about those speed cameras being revenue raisers for the government especailly the stationary ones that are in cars, just waiting for you.
This morning in the paper the discussion was that speeding tickets are the only VOLUNTARY taxes you'll ever pay.... if you don't speed you don't pay.

[karensueflu]

The Devil & Politics

> While walking down the street one day a senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the now former senator. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll
do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is the club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him, to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

[Abear]

"Beep! Beep!"

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old
granddaughter and beeped the horn by
mistake. She turned and looked at him for
an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!"
afterwards.

[Songberries]

Abear - thanks! That was cute!

Carol

[Abear]

You know you live in a small town when...

- The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
- The local phone book has only one yellow page.
- Third Street is on the edge of town.
- You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
- You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
- No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
- You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
- Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

[Caponata]

FOOD FUNNY
__________________________________________________




There was one hamburger, one order of French fries, and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly
placed one in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink. His
wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man
began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get
restless. You could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came
over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another
meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were
just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged
them to let him buy them something to eat. This time, the lady
explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came
over to their table and offered to buy them some food. After being
politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old
lady. "What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."


-D