Just a line to say I'm living
That I'm not among the dead
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And all mixed up in my head.
I got used to my Arthritis
To my dentures I'm resigned
I can manage my Bifocals
But dear God I miss my mind
For sometimes I can't remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs
If I must go up for something
Or have I just come down from there?
And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put some food away?
Or have I come to take something out?
And there's a time, when it is dark
I stop and hold my head
I don't know if I'm retiring
Or am I getting out of bed?
So, If it is my turn to write to you
There's no need getting sore
I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore
So remember that I love you
And wish that you were near
But now it's nearly mail time,
So I must say "good-bye dear"
Here I stand before the mailbox
With a face so very red
Instead of mailing you my letter
I went and opened it instead.
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD
Found On Road, Dead
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
- If the funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why is the word abbreviation so long?
- If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
- Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?
- Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
- If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- What do chickens think we taste like?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- What do you call a male ladybug?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? i iz hukt on fonix
- Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
- Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
- If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
- If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
- What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring light
To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
you will not cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight.
I'm really quite upset with you
for giving this distorted view;
I hate what's happened to my thighs.
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens !!
- You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.
- The only reason you're still awake at 2 a.m. is indigestion.
- People ask you what color your hair used to be.
- You enjoy watching the news.
- Your car must have four doors.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.
- You start worrying when your supply of Ben Gay is low.
- You think a C.D. is a certificate of deposit.
- You have more than 2 pair of glasses.
- You read the obituaries daily.
- Your biggest concern when dancing is falling.
- You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
- You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
- Your property has been mistaken for a recycling centre.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
- Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
- You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
- The length of a minute depends entirely on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
- Banks have two things I love: money and holidays.
- It's not true that married men live longer than single men ... it just seems that way.
- You may be nobody's fool now, but don't worry ... someone will adopt you.
- A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once!
- Repeat after me: we are all individuals!
- If the NASA scientists are all so smart, why do they count backwards?
- I used to be indecisive ... I think.
- A careful study of economics has recently revealed that the best time to buy anything is last year.
- You've heard that it takes two mystery writers to change a light bulb? One to screw it almost all the way in and a second to give it a surprise twist at the end.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn't a coward take care of cows?
- I'm not cheap ... but I am on special this week.
- I love defenseless animals ... especially in a good gravy.
- Are televangelists the pro wrestlers of religion?
- When I'm not in my right mind, well, my left mind can get pretty darn crowded.
