Thought this was cute, I just got this in an email.
Glory Be Unto the Father
Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares
and its comics, these tidbits may bring tears of
joy to your eyes!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least
how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000
years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are
you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me
awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a
stranger at a party and you think that he is
attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him
if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish
as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words
to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple
and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get
Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
from the next apartment.
Q. Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. You've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries!
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects
at nudist camps.One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or
in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe
in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would
you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything
wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot
of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your
body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly
isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible
for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up
to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on
at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things
you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh!!!
Busy in the yard one afternoon, my father paused to admire our neighbor's new boat. "She sure is a beauty, Charles," Dad said. Knowing that Charles's wife was conservative when it came to spending money, my father asked, "Was it expensive?" "The boat itself wasn't so bad," Charles replied. "But the extras really hurt." "You mean things like water skis, life jackets and trailer?" my father asked. "No," our neighbor said with a sigh. "I mean the new carpet, the kitchen cabinets and the living-room furniture." - submitted to Reader's Digest by John Sarlay
This Kind Of Stuff Has Got To Stop In Our Country!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and
I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up
they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent
message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip
reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the
other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an
old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even
recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection...Well, REALLY
NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life
and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I
can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them
screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they
think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist,
hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in
reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that
dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed
the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these
awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN
GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something
has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.
(Courtesy of Mikey's Funnies)
__________________ ~Phyll~
"My children are not responsible for my personal happiness. If they are noisy or tired, it is inconvenient only if I make it so." ~ Celia Straus
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
(From the Laugh & Lift Daily Newsletter)
__________________ ~Phyll~
"My children are not responsible for my personal happiness. If they are noisy or tired, it is inconvenient only if I make it so." ~ Celia Straus
I could here Paul Lynde's voice as I was reading it. Thanks for sharing.
Lauri
