Location: Originally from the Home of the only 6 times Super Bowl Champs!
Posts: 12,099
Stuck in a situation and not sure how to handle it
First some background:
My daughter became friends with a boy in her class last year. We, as a family, became friends with his family, too. His mom and I became friends and we hung out over the summer some and the dad coached my dd's soccer team. They are from NY so we hit it off pretty quickly. We have a friendship but are not "best" friends, per say.
The problem and shocker to us:
Every week our local paper prints a round up of those who were arrested in our county during the previous week. Their pics are printed, along with why they were arrested. My dh scans this section every week to see if we know anyone. Well today, he woke me up by screaming "I think that you should get up and take a look at who is in the paper!" I couldn't believe it when I saw my friend, 'the mom', right there on the front page. She was arrested for misdemeanor larceny.
I have no idea how to handle this. My kids know that her picture is in the newspaper and they know why. My dd has been asking if she spent time in jail - we are always talking to our kids about how bad jail is ....etc. My son is closer to her because she works as a special education aid in his school so he sees her and talks to her all of the time. My son feels weird now.
Should I mention that I saw her picture? Should I keep quiet unless she mentions it? Help!! I'm feeling really weird about the whole situation as well.
I should mention that I've talked to her since this happened. It happened 2 Thurdays ago and I just talked to her this past Thursday at basketball practice and she never mentioned anything - not that she was going to say "Guess What?!? I was arrested!" but ..... it's just odd to me. I've never had to deal with this before.
OMG! I have never been in this situation before either, so maybe someone out there has and would know what to do. My instinct is to be up front and honest with the family AFTER your family has had a talk (including the kids) on how they feel about the situation and how comfortable or uncomfortable they are or will be with whatever your family decides. After all, it sounds like each of your family members will be with them one on one so you want to be sure they are comfortable first. I would think she would have wanted to "talk" with you and your family before you saw it in the paper. Maybe they didn't realize it would be in there? Just remember there is always two sides to the story and you will be getting only one side. I would try to go to the court date or have someone maybe she doesn't recognize go to find out what it is all about. I would want to get to the bottom of it to be able to feel like I have effectively handled the whole thing for my family. Just my opinion, but there it is. Ayone else?
__________________ cat lover We Welcome Strays
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping"; now we just "chunky dunk"
Location: Originally from the Home of the only 6 times Super Bowl Champs!
Posts: 12,099
They called today and asked if my kids wanted to come over to play with their kids today before the game. I allowed them to go. I'm not sure that my dh will be thrilled with my decision but I don't want this to stop us from being friends with them. I think that I'm going to have to be honest with her and let her know that I know. I'm still not sure how to handle it. They are good people and I know that they would never do anything to harm my family. I'm hoping that it was a misunderstanding of some sort (I know, I'm grasping at straws). I hate this.
Just I guess be careful and don't be surprised at the reaction you may get whenm you approach it with them. I still would have thought she would have brought it up to you first. Really puts you in the position that I thuink she should have taken and approached first. Just my thoughts, but hope it all works out okay.
When you talk with your family; since the kids have been back over there; maybe the kids have talked about it between themselves already. You know how kids are sometimes so maybe yours can enlighten you a little? Again, good luck!
Okay...there has to be someone out there that has been in a similiar position! Speak up...please!
__________________ cat lover We Welcome Strays
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping"; now we just "chunky dunk"
I would imagine that she is going to feel strange wondering if you know and if you don't when you are going to find out and how you will react, unless she is a sociopath. Then, she she'll care less and this isn't going to be her first offense, nor her last.
Personally, I wouldn't allow my kids to go over there until you get all the facts. If she goes somewhere with them and gets caught again, your kids will be in the middle of it and Child Protective Services will want to know if you knew it was possible she had a problem.
I think honesty is best. When the children are not around, invite her over for coffee or ask to go to her house. Then, sit down and tell her you you saw the paper and considering your children are with her and you go out with her, you wanted to know her side of the story. You can be frank with her in that normally what she does is her business, but this could affect you and your family.
Anna, that varies from state to state. It has to do with the value of what was stolen. For some states, if the value of the object(s) stolen exceeded $500, it would be grand larceny.
In this lady's defense, she could have borrowed an expensive item and forgot to return it, like a car and out of spite had the police called. However, it could be more serious than that and if she is collecting expensive items in her home and Tami's kids are there during a bust, they could be traumatized and Tami could be questioned as to whether or not she knew of this lady's possible antics.
I definitely would ask her in polite way. You have children to think of and she should already know that her name and picture was in the paper. She may not only not be surprised that you know, but relieved to get everything out into the air. If she is a sociopath and I have dealt with them, she is going to be charming and give a terrific excuse and make you think she did nothing wrong even when you see the evidence to the contrary. Working in a prison, there is a higher concentration of sociopaths. They can even fool psychologists. When I encounter someone who is VERY charming and makes you want to let your guard down and trust them, I remind myself who I am dealing with. Sounds like your friend could be an innocent victim, a guilty criminal, or a sociopath, who come across very nice and you want to trust them until the end.
I have never had to deal with anything this important, but DeBora's advice is great, and she has had experience in dealing with criminals. I also would not let my kids go to their house, they can see the other children at school and at games. I would cool the friendship a little until all the facts are on the table. Going to the court is a good idea, if she has done nothing wrong then you will be able to be a shoulder for her. Let common sense rule.
cat lover 
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping"; now we just "chunky dunk" 
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