Tough love: having to "kick out" a grown child

[Crafty Amanda]

So, my oldest son is 19. He graduated high school, by the skin of his teeth I might add, and only because his father and I pretty much forced him to. In this state you cannot legally drop out of school unless you either have your parent's consent, or you are 18. He did turn 18 while still in school, but we have been hounding him incessantly that he will not be able to get a good job without a diploma. So he stayed in and finished, reluctantly. One of the things driving him was he thought he was going to go to work with his dad working on cars. Well hubby has had to choose a different career path due to a bad back, so that is no longer an option. He figured he would hang on daddy's skirt tails and that's just not going to happen anymore.

He has worked on and off since he got out of school. The jobs he has had are factory assignments through a temp agency. He has screwed those up as well on and off. He's had nothing permanent or promising. He always has an excuse as to why he can't find work, and it's all bull. I could go into a lot of detail here, and probably will as replies come in, but for now I'll just say I'm sick and tired of the BS.

He smokes marijuana and right now it's preventing him from getting a job because of a drug test. Instead of staying clean, so he can take it, he went out with a friend last night and got high again.

My husband means well, but he coddles my son a bit too much. He "feels sorry for him" because he "reminds him of himself" when he was that age. Gah!! It's enough to make me crazy!

Soon hubby could be gone for a week or two at a time due to his new job. While my son has respect enough not to curse in front of me or talk badly to me, he does argue back continuously, enough to where I end up blowing a gasket and screaming at him. Then he finally shuts up. One of these days i'm going to drop dead from a heart attack!

*groan* At the beginning of the summer I gave him a deadline of August 31st. I told him he needed to get a job or move out. Join the army, something! He aggravates his siblings and is just unmotivated. Lazy. By the third week in August he came to me and told me he was supposed to go back to work at this factory in town through the temp agency. He did, but they sent him home because they didn't get the order in they needed. He hasn't been back to work since then.

Then my husband has a friend whose son is a foreman in a factory in a nearby town. He said he would hire him, but they only hire through this certain temp agency. They have to temp for 3 months then they can be hired full time. So he went to the temp agency and filled out the paperwork and that's when they said he needed to pass a drug screening.

Again, hubby being the well meaning dad that he is said we would buy he a drug detox kit (!!!!!). That was on Thursday I think. So here we are on Monday and my son got high last night! So obviously he just thinks daddy is going to come to the rescue all the time. He stays up all night playing on the computer and then sleeps half the day away.

This morning I got pissed. I went into his room at 8:30 and told him he needed to get his a$$ out of the house by 10:00 am and look for a job. i told him he needed to go to mcDonald's if that's what it took, but he needed to have a job today or not to come back.

I'm so frustrated. my husband claims to be on my side, but I really think he's secretly telling my son "don't worry about mom, I'll handle that". I don't know that for sure, but that's my feeling. He acts as if he agrees with me, and I know he gets aggravated with him too. Hubby and I have both worked all the time since we were teens. My son has no desire to work. he's a bum. I want badly to kick him out, but I need my husband on my side completely. He says he is, but I don't think he has the heart to do it.

I NEED to know if anyone else has been through this. I know a bunch of people are just going to say "kick him out", but that's a lot easier said than done. Please please, if anyone has been through this I need to hear from you! Thanks

[jokir]

Amanda, have you been in touch with a "Tough Love" group in your area? There you should get the much needed support, advise, etc. that you need.

[Crafty Amanda]

Originally Posted by jokir

Amanda, have you been in touch with a "Tough Love" group in your area? There you should get the much needed support, advise, etc. that you need.

Hi Joyce, I had no idea such a thing existed, I will look it up, thanks!

Just adding here that my husband just came up to me to kiss me goodbye. He has to go to school, so I asked where he was going. He said he had to drop a part off at a junk yard, was going to "drop him off", then go to school. I asked what he meant by dropping him off. He said he was taking my son with him to drop off the part and then was bringing him back here and dropping him off. !! I told him NO, don't drop him off here, I don't want him back here, that he needs to go out and find a job and he isn't to come back until he gets one. Hubby did the whole "ok don't yell at me" crap. I told him I need him to be in agreement with me. He claimed that he is. I also said that he needs to stop coddling him so much, which he denied doing. It wasn't an argument, just a discussion, but I know it's really hard for him. He has always had a really big soft spot for our first son, so the tough love is going to be a lot harder for him than it will me. I spent YEARS in principal's offices, dean's offices, and occasionally a police station. it was me that had to deal with all of that. So I guess I'm more fed up than he is. :-(

[bluebird]

Hugs. Been there, done that. Not the drugs but the rest. I don't know what to say. My dh wasn't on my side either. I did suggest if dh thought I was being mean to ds then they could move out together. Yes I was serious. Hugs.

[Pag36]

My dau has had to do that with her son, it is rough on all of us. Good luck Amanda hoping hubby wakes up and is "on your side" will be better for your son in long run

[MKS]

There is also a book called Tough Love by James Dobson,head of Focus on the Family. I don't have experience, so my thoughts may mean nothing, but..... Start with all the thing you do for him and have provided to him. Explain that basically it is costing you (I don't just mean money here, but time, etc.) and he is not fulfilling his part of the equation. Discuss a time table for removing those services/ possessions if he doesn't begin to cooperate. I'd start with the computer/cell phone/laundry/meals/transportation.....

[Pag36]

MKS very good advice

[Sammi1961]

Amanda, I feel for you! Though I have not exactly been in your shoes, my youngest ds is headed in that direction. He doesn't take school seriously and is extremely verbally abusive to me and refuses to listen or do anything that I ask of him. He will not pick up after himself or help around the house at all. He turns 17 on Monday so I worry about his future. As for your ds, I completely agree with what you are trying to do. I often think tough love is harder on the parents than it is on the child. You are so right about wanting your ds to get a job (ANY job) and if he does so, I would also make him contribute towards household expenses (rent?) even if it is just a pittance. MKS had some good advice. Strip his world - no computer, tv, video games, laundry getting done, or anything else he values or uses until he gets a job and then he can start earning those things back. Your dh should stop and think of what he really wants for his son - does he want him to be lazy and dependent on the two of you for the rest of his life or does he want him to stand strong and become a responsible and contributing member of society? He does him no favor by enabling him to goof off and not take responsibility for his actions (no job, drug use, laziness). At the very least he should be applying for at least 5 jobs a day and then doing yard work or some other time of work around your home since he is an adult and living under your roof. MY ds2 talks about joining the army after high school and that terrifies me but then I think it might be the best thing in the world for him. I hope things get better for you and that your dh steps up and joins you in trying to get your ds back on track.

[cau]

Amanda , been there done that, Yes I kicked my 19 year old dd out on the street. It was even winter & when she cried she had nowhere to go I left a pillow and blankets on the porch. No I’m not a witch just a mother trying to get through to her. She was also into drugs and was trying to take All the rest of us down with her. My dh was on her side until I told him to choose her or me. He chose to stay with me. I t was the hardest thing I have ever done. I did go to FA meeting and they helped a great deal. It helps to know you are not alone, it also helped me see where we had been enabling her. She lived in the streets for 1 ½ years and went into rehab 3 times before she went in for herself. She is now a very responsible and successful adult. Believe it or not we are also very close again, she took a month off work when I almost died to come home and run the house & support dh. She claims throwing her out was the best thing I ever did for her. Good Luck

[VicRae]

Dear Amanda,

Been there and done that. First it was with oldest DS and then with youngest DD.
With oldest DS it was you can live here if you are going to college to extend your education or get a job. He went to college for one year, then sat around and a friend motivated him by gettting him a job. He was working for awhile and moved in with a friend. Then moved in with another friend and his wife and got another job until they fired him from the dairy. Now he is living with oldest DD1 and brother inlaw and still looking for a full time job. But, he is making some money as he works on computers off and on for other people and collecting unemployment too. He took computers while in school and college.
As for DD she had to do so many community service hours and do 12 job contacts per month while she didn't have a job and was getting Food Stamps. She volunteered at the ARC Thirft and Goodwill Stores. Now she has a perment job as a cashier and rack runner at the ARC Thrift store here in town. She also babysits for DD2 before school.
I now have a 19 year old son and he is working with the School to work Program. They are helping him by teaching him how to build a resume and doing some practice for job interviews. Next week he is going on a job shadow/ interview. He doesn't want to go to college so, am hoping he will get a job soon.

As for helping you in your situation, maybe he could do some community service. Or see if there is a ride along program with the police department there. May scare him enough to kick the drug habit. Just a suggestion. Good Luck.