Lately.. and when I say lately I mean in the last couple of years, I have noticed that i have become more impatient with family. Not my kids so much, but more so my husband and my brothers. I know that as I've grown older I take less crap, I don't let people walk on me like I did when I was young, and I tend to be short and to the point sometimes. I'm not really sure what it is, and often times I feel quite justified, but other times I feel guilty.
Case in point. My brother is a little less than 2 years younger than me. I am almost 44. I have carved out a life for myself, have a family and a home. I've certainly had my fair share of difficult financial times, I'm no angel, but always take care of my family and myself. My brother on the other hand, blew his chance at a career in the Marines due to a discharge for drug use, drinks too much, doesn't take care of himself in any aspect, and literally looks like and lives like a homeless man. He lives downtown in Chicago and pays for a weekly room similar to the old fashioned warehouse flop houses. He does work, I'll give him that, but he's rather be homeless than have some job tell him he needs to get a hair cut, shave his scraggly face and wear clean clothes. My brother has a heart of gold and is a very kind person, but he annoys me to no end. I don't like talking to him on the phone because he talks about nothing, I don't like hugging him because he smells bad, and I guess I just can't understand his chosen way of life.
Yesterday my dad and my brother came up for a visit since I had been sick over Christmas and we had to postpone that. Here's an example of why I feel I'm sometimes just plain mean.
We come in the house through our garage door. Our house has a tuck under garage, so you come in, walk through the basement then come up the stairs and into the kitchen. I often place things on the stairs that need to eventually make it upstairs. I had found a paring knife downstairs and placed it on the steps to bring it up. My brother, on his way up the stairs grabbed the knife and brought it up.
That was a nice and considerate thing to do, yes? Problem is, he always puts me on the defensive. He brings it up and hands it to me and says that he found this knife on the stairs, and goes on to say that he's sure that I don't want that lying around with kids in the house.
My kids are now 12, 13, 17, and 18. My 12 year old knows how to filet a fish and all of them are old enough to know what's safe and what's not and know how to cut their own meat, etc, etc. I as a parent think I have done a pretty darn good job raising my kids and keeping them alive, I really don't think I need my never-been-married, never-had-kids brother suggesting that I am not a good parent for leaving a knife on the stairs!
I hadn't seen my brother in a few months and my first reaction to his comments about the knife was to be snarky and say that I knew that the knife was there and that my kids were old enough to know better, but thanks for bringing it up. It just immediately put me on the defensive, even though I'm sure it shouldn't have. He does that to me a LOT. Ever since my kids were little he seems to have rubbed me the wrong way when it comes to my kids and me being a parent.
So I guess after I said it, my oldest son (18) whispered to my husband "Man, mom is mean!"
Yikes.
When my husband told me that after my brother and dad had left it got me thinking. See my husband understands my reaction and my brother drives him a bit nuts as well, but then we both feel really guilty afterward. My brother is annoying, but like I said he has a heart of gold and I really don't think he means any harm, I think he's just trying to be helpful, but it always comes out condescending. At least that's how I always take it.
So now I've been thinking about this since it happened yesterday. That's when I started thinking about how I've been treating my husband as well. I still love him, don't get me wrong, but I get very impatient with him.
His father was a very old school type womanizer. He believed that women were put on Earth to serve men and should not speak unless spoken to. He treated my MIL very badly and constantly demeaned her verbally, and in public! She finally left him a couple of years ago. He then deteriorated and died in September at 72 years old.
My husband is not like him, but I work full time, even though it is out of the home, so I get upset when he seems to expect me to do certain things. For example, he'll sit in the living room and ask me to make a pot of coffee. He's watching TV and I am working on the computer. There's no reason at all he can't make it himself. So i get annoyed. I do it, because it's really not that big of a deal, but I think it's the whole "it's woman's work" type attitude his dad always had that rings in my head whenever he asks something like that. Personally, if I wanted coffee, I wouldn't ask him to make it, I would just get up and do it myself ya know? I don't like the whole helplessness thing.
Now I kind of feel like I'm rambling. My thoughts are just pouring out and I will probably come back here and write more, but for now I think I need to be more aware and start being nicer. I don't want to turn into my aunt. She's a nasty, grumpy person and I just don't want to be like that. i want to be happy and I don't want my family thinking I'm turning into a raging b$%ch know what I mean?
*sigh*
Love/hate relationship with your sister in law? Situation with your Mom? Plenty of things to talk about here.
I've already started to make a change and am trying to be more aware of my "moods". I spoke to my dad who was standing in the kitchen when I was short with my brother about the knife thing. He said he didn't sense anything negative at all, though he did say that I shouldn't have been defensive, that my brother was just trying to be helpful. He's right about that, I guess I just always get defensive about my parenting skills, dang they are all still alive aren't they?? LOL!
