Twice this week I have discovered that my daughter has heard, through a particular set of cousins, about someone's financial situation or how much someone paid for a certain Christmas gift.
The oldest child involved here is 11 1/2.
Obviously these children are overhearing adults talking, and think nothing of spreading it around.
I had a long talk with my daughter about financial information being private, and how someone would feel if they knew other people were talking about how much money they did or did not have (or did or did not spend).
But what to do about the cousins, who are the source of the story?
Little pitchers have big ears is true. Unfortunately for your daughter, she has been the recipient of family gossip. I bet she heard you though and will respect what you said. She will look to you for how to handle this too.
I don't know what to do about the cousins. Perhaps if your daughter ignores them next time by leaving their presence...if I were to overhear the cousins I would say something to them or their parents maybe better...it is true that many are not private about their money.
__________________
Ellen in PA
"God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, power, and a sound mind."
Ellen, this occurrence affected my whole day the other day. We were with the cousins who "told the story" and the other people whose financial status was being discussed. Of course the "Big Girls" who include my daughter, these 2 cousins, and 2 other girls who are part of the 3rd family, holed up in a room by themselves to dance around, etc....so I have no idea what went on between them in terms of talking. ALL the adults had to spend way too much time kicking the Big Girls (especially the 2 "gossip cousins") out of the room where the grownups were chatting. Drove me nuts. My kids have always been raised to leave adults alone when a grownup says, "Grownups are talking" (that's our code for "Get out of here, this is not for kids' ears!")
One of the hardest parts of the holidays for me, sometimes, is dealing with the different boundaries that other people set for their children. And in cases like this it could result in some hurt feelings and embarrassment on the part of people who don't deserve that.
Barb, how old are the cousins? I came from a very gossipy family and married into a family who believed that if you can't say something nice about someone, you don't say anything at all. I am with you.
Have you thought about going to the adult or adults who were the source of this information and tell them they their speaking "out of turn" is spreading? I am probably too outspoken, but I would tell the source that you do not appreciate their telling personal information to your children whom you are teaching not to gossip.
The gossipping children are ages 11 1/2 and 9 1/2. My DD is 11 and the daughters of the other people are 10 1/2 and 9.
I asked DH to talk to his brother but he won't....he thinks that all I do is find fault with his brother's kids. Which I do, a lot, but in this case, others are being hurt. I am thinking about emailing SIL....
I like the emailing idea. Plus you can read it and edit it before you send it. I think the adults are responsible. They may not realize that children hear and repeat things. Good luck!
Barb, I hear your frustration! And anger too. This is why for me the holidays are so stressful! Were the people who were being discussed not present? Hmmm...
__________________
Ellen in PA
"God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, power, and a sound mind."
I guess I am not totally being clear here, in my attempt not to use names and everything.
On Christmas Eve, the "gossip cousins" told my DD a few things concerning financial matters of other people. One was how much Grandpop had paid for DD's Christmas gift. (Now, I fault Grandpop for part of that, because he got a bargain and tends to advertise when that happens because he is proud of himself. But they need to learn not to tell people that kind of thing.)
The other thing they told was about the (possibly shaky) financial situation about some family friends. This is not stuff that children ages 9 and 11 need to know about AT ALL, never mind discuss with other children.
2 days ago we were with the "gossip cousins" and the family friends. All 3 of our families were together. By this time I knew what my DD had been told. I hope that she didn't participate in any more discussions, especially in front of the children in that family.
Barb, could you go to the adults who shared all the information that eventully got to your DD and politely let them know what was discussed and how you feel about it?
I had problems with my mother many years ago when my DD was five. While we were at a ladies retreat at church, my maternal grandmother, with my DD in toe, talked to everyone about how terrible I was. She also said some other horrible things that I knew had been said about me within the family such as that I was retarded and mentally ill because they had EEG's proving it. (I had an abnormal EEG due to scar tissue from ear damage from neglect and it caused seizures.) I decided to pull my grandmother aside after chuch that night. She actually thought that my DD was too young to understand what she was saying. When I repeated what my DD told me and how upset she was, my grandmother was shocked that a child at the age of 5 understood that. I told my grandmother that I did not have a problem with her chatting with her friends and getting things off her chest. I really did not mind even told her that I have friends that I talk to as well. However, I had to tell her how inappropriate it was for her to air dirty laundry in front of a child and now my children want to know what was going on in a matter that I thought was too adult for them.
I didn't mean to tell this whole story but the point I want to make is that these adults who are talking out of school in front of children may need to be reminded that children don't have the social skills that adults have and will repeat this stories they are telling many times to the wrong people. Plus, they are much too young to deal with such heavy information.
Love/hate relationship with your sister in law? Situation with your Mom? Plenty of things to talk about here.
Ellen in PA 
Drove me nuts. My kids have always been raised to leave adults alone when a grownup says, "Grownups are talking" (that's our code for "Get out of here, this is not for kids' ears!")
