Each time I see my MIL, it seems that I offend her. Just this weekend, I had a headache. I am 21 weeks pregnant, and I was avoiding taking the recommended Tylenol as I am a high risk pregnancy. She asked me why I hadn't taken aspirin being it is so gentle. I told her that aspirin thins the blood, and that the doctors don't want your blood thinned as the flow to the child changes. What made this situation worse was that her husband said he heard that too.
Well, she got quiet for a while and left the room.
I believe that maybe I must have said this wrong as this sort of situation arises about 2 - 3 times a visit. Yet, when I think of this specific episode, I can't think what I did was wrong.
Does anyone have any insight into MILs? Do us DILs come off as rude and ****y? Or perchance, so I need to walk on egg shells?
Just guessing here- but maybe she thinks that her taking aspirin when she was expecting was wrong - - well, it's just that it was O.K. by her doctors then.... it's not that she did anything wrong - just different. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe she feels put down.
Next time she offers, maybe say "Thanks, but I got it covered" and just move on.
There will be a lot of things different, and she'll probably want to help the new mom... Things have changed - - and not always for the better. Listen with patience is the only advice I give. Take only the advice you want - politely.
Have you tried talking to her about this? A few years ago when my in-laws where staying with us for a couple weeks, my MIL approached me one day, and asked if we could sit down and talk. I was unintentionally hurting her feelings and she wanted to know if I was aware of it.
Sometime when your MIL is over and there is time, ask her if you can talk privately. Let her know you sense you are hurting her feelings, but don't know for sure. See what she says. Let her know that if there is something bothering her, she is welcome to approach you about it. You can't change your behavior if you don't know you're doing something.
Good luck!
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Kelly H.
The HOMEWriter
http://www.thehomewriter.com
riedl: you are probably right. My intention was not that what she may have done was wrong, but I can't do that. So, I will work on being more aware, because I do think these things happen and I always sense I have upset her and I can't figure out why.
Homewriter: I have thought of talking to her too. I will work out a time when we are together and see what I can do.
I think part of the problem (as with anyone in this situation) is that I come from a different background. I am acting like ME when I am with them, and my family knows that I try hard not to offend people...yet, when you are new to each other...I have heard she is sensitive and tends to take over...but I also believe that it is never 100% someone else's problem.
Another reason why I am so shocked, as I have never been in this situation before! Usually what I say is taken at how I mean it, and with my MIL (and sometimes my FIL), I feel like I offend them left and right. And I am sensitive too, and just want to be liked, and sometimes, I feel like they don't.
I did recall about 4 other situations where I didn't respond as I usually do (this past weekend), and as I am reading your responses, I see that it was probably a good thing that I did just not even mention a thing.
I definitely will work on the way I word things! And I will have to talk to her. I am scared to...as I don't want her to hate me...but I know it is right!
Sometimes I feel that MIL are threatened by our positions with their sons. Maybe it's insecurity?
Then again, times have changed and so has knowledge and medical advice. What might have been right back when she was expecting maybe be thought to be different now.
I know with my own Mother things(in general not just medical) that she believed and was taught are totally different today. The same train of thought would apply with my MIL since they are in the same age bracket. Could it be the generation difference?
Maybe it's just a communication gap?
I think a good old fashioned sit down to a cup of tea or coffee and a good old talk might be worth the effort. I don't think it fair of her to make you uncomfortable in her presence. You are after all are an adult and you and your husband have your own lives to live. It may get worse or hopefully better when the new bundle of joy comes. Congratualtions!
Let her know where you stand and that it is your wish to get along but stand your ground. It's her loss if she won't put in some effort.
I wish you luck! Robin
My heart goes out to you! I have been a MIL for over 25 years, and have heard all the jokes, innuendoes, etc, that goes with it! lol However, I have been blessed with wonderful children and even more wonderful Children-in-laws! My first experience was with a daughter-in-law. My only objection to my son's marriage was that they were both so young...she was 16, he was 18. However, they proved me wrong because they have been married for over 25 years and have a wonderfully, strong and loving marriage. We had a rather rocky relationship the first few years of their marriage. I was young too, and had to learn to let go of my son and let them grow together. This is hard to do for a mother. However, one has a tendency to "live and learn" and so the mistakes I made helped me overcome any dilemma I might have encountered with the next three kids. (I have 2 sons and 2 daughters).
I could not have picked my children's mates any better than they did themselves. Each and every one of them comes from different backgrounds, ie: religious, social and ethnic. However, it has been a learning experience for all of us.
The one thing that I always taught my kids: If you make your mate a good husband or wife, your in-laws will love you. How can you not love someone who is good to your child? Maybe the IL dosen't see that at first, but perserverance will win.
There have been so many inroads into medicine that it boggles the mind. 20 years ago, doctors advised a glass of wine a day.
Today, we know that alcohol in any form is not good for an unborn baby.
Aspirin, not good for an expectant mother, has been replaced by Tylenol.
Your MIL may have good intentions, but coupled with the hormone changes in your body, along with the changes she is encountering, such as a new extended family, I can understand that both sides are rather in a touchy situation.
Perhaps your husband can talk things over with his mother first. This may ease some of the tension between families. (For some unknown reason, males do not seem to have the radar that females have. lol).
Look for the good qualities in your MIL. She raised the guy you chose to be the father of your children, the head of your family, and the love of your life. That alone shows she did something right!
I realize there are MIL's who never accept their DIL's, but I think they are few and far between. With a little love and acceptance, almost all bounderies can be accessed and crossed. This is not only a new experience for your IL's but also a new one for you. Planning the new arrival's entry into the family, and looking forward to the pleasures awaiting all of you, will, hopefully, bring you all closer so that you can bond as one big, loving and happy environment for the little cherished gift you will soon be receiving.
I wish you the best!!
God Bless,
Foxy
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Today is yesterday; Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Unfortunately, there's probably not a whole lot you can do about it. My MIL has it in for all three of her in-law kids: me, my BIL's wife and SIL's husband. HER kids can do nothing wrong, so anything that DOES go wrong is obviously the in-law spouse's fault. It's made for some very harried moments, especially for me since I was the first. The one good thing though is that having gone through it, I've been able to be there for my BIL's wife, which has drawn us closer and given me the sister I never had! Hang in there girl! Time and distance do make things easier! Blessings to you!!!
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Every person we meet is a field; everything we do and say is seed. What will the harvest be?
I think both my MIL and I are VERY sensitive, and our current conditions probably makes it worse. I really do like her a lot, and I have heard she loves me to pieces. So, we have something going for us. We may know that being the other is so sensitive that may be holding us back from talking it through!
But, I used to never live near her. I was in CA and she in NY state. Now, I am in NJ. So, whatever glitch we have to work out, may be more prominent here as we see her more often.
So, it is getting quite clear to me, that I will need to talk to her.
Who cares why she's doing it? The fact is that she is a selfish, jealous, controlling woman. The fact that you play into her game will only pro-long the non-sense for you. Where is your husband during all this? Obviously he isn't taking the initiative to stand up for his pregnant wife and letting his mother know that she is out-of-line. You need to get thicker skin ASAP and severly limit your exposure to her. How do you think she's going to manipulate you after that baby is born? Your hormones are going crazy now, you don't need to prolong this stress with a newborn to worry about. Lay it on the line with her. Let her know that you are uncomfortable with the way that she treats you and she has to respect you. No ifs, ands or buts. If you are comfortable discussing this in front of your father-in-law and husband, all the better. But, if not, you'd better schedule a luncheon with her before that baby is born. PS... what does she think that her stress is doing to you and your high-risk pregnancy? Obviously, she is more self-absorbed in herself than to worry about your feelings.
No, you should not have to walk on eggshells with your MIL. My Mother is not rude to my husband, but his sister is rude to me, thinks she is my MIL and she is not. I'm not taking it anymore, have been nice for 10 years now and I've told my husband the next time we visit she tells me that I can just stay home and she is going out to dinner with my husband, I'm going to give it to her full blast. She's told me this twice, but he never did go out to dinner with her and leave me home. How rude. Just because women get old does not give them the right to be rude.
Tell your husband how you feel and then if he doesn't tell her, you tell her. You deserve to be treated with respect just as I do.
