The Extra Step to Victorious Living

[ellenmelon]

Hi connie!

Today, instead of nagging dd to get off the lawn so I could mow it, she was sleeping , so I mowed around her until she woke up and when she did (and moved) I hurried and finished and then sat with her. A much better result than nagging!

[ellenmelon]

Today and yesterday: I resolved to maintain a not too busy household and lifestyle, instead remembering that I am a SAHM to first have responsibility to my (God), family, and my community after that. No ideas of grandeur here! Good thing.

[ellenmelon]

Eating right and exercising keeps my head in shape too.

[bluebird]

Well I think I am failing at this, this week! I am trying to get ready to go plus do the laundry and housework that I haven't been able to do with dh sick. My house is looking but that isn't the point, is it? I will leave a list of items to do so the place isn't trashed when I get back. I do have food bought and menus made out , to a point. That should help them.

[ellenmelon]

yeah Connie, my house went to pieces this week too and all it got me was a headache with the lacrosse boss, I am glad you at least had a good trip!

I am rehearsing ways to be friendly and not be rude because this person hurt my feelings so much. Love takes practice. I don't want to wear a mask but I also don't want to be rude. Love is patient and kind, slow to anger.

[ellenmelon]

I am going to nurture myself first, take care of the inner child, before I go and try to be all holy with others.

[ellenmelon]

I have figured that lacrosse is a loss. But I know that there is so much more in the world to do. Please pray that God provides in his mercy.

[ellenmelon]

Today I decide that because I am between a rock and a hard place with lacrosse, that all I can do is rest against God. This is tough because I don't want to build any more character. I just want to get some small reward for who I am right now. All the emotions run through me. All the ones the psalmist proclaims. I want to be defended. I don't see that God will do it. In the past he has used removal as the tool for difficult situations like this. How about someone just standing up for the basic me? How about someone moving the rock instead of airlifting me away? I feel like a little kid in a temper tantrum. And I don't see what I have done is so horrible. My eyes are truly worn out. My shoulders ache. My hands shake. Rejection is always tough. So to my prayers of resting in God, I am adding a prayer of defense, and dignity, and help. I know there is one more prayer and it has gone from my mind. It is the critical one. It has to do with fear of the Lord versus the fear of man. For what can man do to me if it is the will of God? Of course, humility is a keystone here. What is the one step to victorious living? Must I apologize for stepping on toes I didn't know I was stepping on? Is this one of those sins by omission, just as bad as sins by commission?

Years from now, 300 maybe, some miracle or two will be attributed to me. I will become St Ellen, the patron saint of the screw ups! Yes, you can smile. Who cannot identify with this? I just don't want to wait 300 years. I want some kind of help now even if it does truncate my character development. It is hard to say, I want this popsicle now instead of the banana split you have waiting for me tomorrow. That means I would be settling for something less than what may be God's best plan for me. I wish that I could give other than lip service to that prayer that says, 'Not what I want, but your will be done.'

Why must I always put aside myself, desires, and wishes, for God's best plan. Why can't he just plain old rescue me, change the heart of this coach, and let me be a part of this group? Where is the fish I am asking for? You know, when your son or daughter 'asks for a fish do you give them a loaf of bread?'

I of course will accept whatever the answer God has for me. This is what I committed myself to when I became a born again believer. I may not like it, but I will submit to that authority and try to see his hand in this situation. They say when you confess your sins that God will bring you to a larger place. So perhaps the one little step I will make this morning is to make a list of my lacrosse sins on paper. Not here (I will spare you the boring gory details). After doing so a part of me will want to flagellate myself with it, but no, I will lift the paper to God and say, 'Here it is. I am sorry to offend you.'

I rail against being the one to change for others. I want to take a stand for me, for who I am, for all those out there who are like me. Please make room for us. We are not deficient. God, will you stand up for me? Or is that you are wanting me to stand up for you? Is it me that needs to show the other coach what your hand is like? Gentle, soft, forgiving, loving, compassionate, tender. So how do I do that?

[ellenmelon]

So as I went along this afternoon with prayers, readings, bible study, I began to move in the direction of love.

Here are a few things I learned. Not to doubt my hearing, that God does talk and the HS does illuminate, that my day in church was correct. I can still be in love with sports and lacrosse.

That I do need to work on temperance in my actions and immediacy impulses, which is what I have been working on for the last four years. Nothing terrible, just that I can go from 0 to 60 in less than a second, usually in enthusiasm and not in anger.

That speaking up is good. I spoke up with two of the coaches and I think they did intervene for me. Support, in God's timing, not mine?

The one coach is a Christian and in the same church community, so that is good. At least we are dealing with the same Spirit who can speak to both our hearts.

And finally, I read about the North American Saint, Venerable Pierre Toussaint. He was a black slave, become a hairdresser, got rich, stayed devoted to his slave family and helped them financially, after the mistress died, he then married his long time love. Most important, despite all the prejudice he encountered (church members wouldn't stop on a freezing day and give him a ride to mass and cabbies weren't allowed to take blacks, etc) this is what he had to say, because he was accused of being an Uncle Tom,

"I am a Catholic. I receive the Eucharist. I receive the Divine Lord. I am not bitter toward anyone. I recognize what has been done to me. I recognize how I am treated here. But that is not enough to make me bitter any more than Christ was bitter on the cross. Indeed it was Christ who cried out, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

So I am glad that I fought off the bitterness for it would have made the lacrosse thing much worse. I am glad I sought to treat the coach as I would like to be treated. I am glad that for once I did not engage in continued discreditation efforts. And I am glad that God came forward and gave me reprieve. I was allowed to present a drill (on paper) and was asked to help coach the scrimmage today.

So I recognize that the last four days were a raw deal. And I recognize my place on this team, a minor coach. And I see a few of the details that go into understanding personality temperance so it is more socially easy and not so uptight, and God gave me a very good vision on how it was time to get rid of the old anxiety.

Days ago, it was a picture that my anxiety was like an old, worn out, poorly fitting then and worse now, piece of clothing. It was time to shed the garment and put on the fear of the Lord. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind.

Stay tuned for more 50 days of Easter small steps to victorious living.

[ellenmelon]

Today I went early to pick up dd2 and was able to spot some danger signals with her and boyfriend. DH and I had long session with her. Glad I am this way and that dh is his way so that dd2 gets a good balance.