My daughter doesn't like her

[Crafty Amanda]

I just don't know how to handle this one. It's a toughy. I'm afraid this might end up being a little long, so I hope you can bear with me

My daughter (8 yrs old, 2nd grade) has a classmate that lives pretty close to us. She also has two other schoolmates (but not in her class) that live close to us. She plays quite often with the ones who are schoolmates, but the one that is in her class rarely gets to play as she is always grounded for one thing or another. When she isn't grounded and wants to play, my DD doesn't want to play with her.

Now first off, my DD is a very gentle and quiet girl. She plays with most everyone, but she just doesn't like this girl. I think the reason is because this girl is WAY too much like my son, my DD's older brother. My son gets in a lot of trouble too and seems to be constantly grounded or limited in one way or another.

Anyway, DD is having a slumber party for her birthday in a couple of weeks. I asked who she wanted to invite, and she included this girl in her list, though I think she did it to be nice. I have tried to teach her to be kind and considerate and to think of others' feelings. I thik that was what she was doing.

A few days ago she said she didn't want this girl to come to her slumber/birthday party. I told her we had already invited her and that it would hurt her feelings and would be very rude to call her and cancel. She started spouting off all of these reasons: "she'll be annoying, she'll jump all over my inflatable chair and pop it, she'll try to boss everyone around, she'll be too hyper, she'll whine..." the list went on and on. I convinced her that if this girl didn't behave I would simply call her mom and send her home.

Well I was chatting with this girl's mom on the phone this a.m., I actually talk to her quite a bit because we have similar frustrations with our kids getting into trouble (my son, her daughter). We kinda compare notes

Anyway, her mom tells me that her daughter had come over to another neighbor's where my daughter was playing. She asked if she could play and MY DAUGHTER told her that she didn't want to play with her right now, she only wanted to play with the other girl. I guess then she went home and told her mom, her mom told her to go back and tell my DD that it had hurt her feelings. She did and I guess my DD apologized, at least that's what this girl told her mom. So that's why I didn't hear about it, she figured everything was fine because the girls had worked it out amongst themselves.

Well bottom line is, neither of my kids like her, and I am ashamed to admit that I am not all that crazy about her either. She just has that "something" about her that grates on you. I'm embarrassed to admit that as I am supposed to be the grown up here, and I have never conveyed that to my kids, so they aren't getting it from me, they dislike her all on their own. *sigh*

Anyway, while her mother was telling me about it and how she felt sorry for her daughter (it was a very civil conversation, no anamosity at all, friendly chat) I wanted so badly to tell her that my DD and her DD probably wouldn't make the best playmates. BUT HOW DO YOU SAY THAT? "Oh BTW, my daughter doesn't like your daughter, she says she's annoying and bossy and no fun to be around, so you might not want to send her up here anymore."

I DON'T THINK SO! I am so at a loss with this. Every time this child is not grounded she comes up here wanting to play and my kids run and hide in their rooms! I don't know how to handle this at all.

Just so there's no confusion, my problem is an overall one, not with the slumber party. I need to figure out how to break it to them that my kids just don't like playing with her. Or whether I should just let it lie and hopefully it will solve itself. The hard part is that we all live so close to each other.

Help!

[Juliana]

Oh my heart goes out to you! I have a kindergardener and we have experienced everything from bullies to catty girls. My daughter has always been the one to play with those who don't have any friends. She has a high self esteem and typically doesn't care if others don't like her. There is a little boy who is smaller and "weaker" then the other kids and often cries at school. I see a future "troubled" kid in the making and one that could turn into a serious problem as he gets older. I have given my daughter the task of playing with him a little bit each day to show this kid that he is liked. She just doesn't like him though, and seems to "forget" to play with him. I am learning that my daughter isn't going to be everyones friend (maybe a good thing in the long run) but she is also going to have superficial feelings, and is going to be very rude at times as most kids are. I have to accept the fact that I may be embarrased at times, but will address each issue privately with her as they come up. I really don't have any advice, but I have a lot of mommy understanding and empathy. I would stick to the "she has to come to the slumber party because you invited her" idea and empahsize that treating her as she would treat the others is mandatory. But after that I would let it go. I would teach my daughter how to politely reject an offer of playing. This is great training ground for your daughter to learn to be diplomatic which will transfer into adulthood. As far as the friendship with the other mother. I would echo the wishful thinking that the two could be better friends, but they have other interests and are carving out their own personalities. They may end up wanting to be together as they mature, but for now little girls are so fickle, you just never know who they will want to be with one moment to the next. One a personal note, the fact that this girl is often grounded at her age, I would think, would be a good sign that your daughter is practising good judgement in who she wants to be around. Praise her for being strong not to sucumbe to the pressure of a peer. When she becomes a teen you won't want her to hanging around the friends that want to get her in trouble with them. I don't know what is harder, being the child growing up in this world or being the mom that raising that child

[Jenl]

Well I don't know if I'm going to be much help, but had to respond, as my son (now 13) was faced with a similar situation 4 years ago. This boy lives 2 doors down and at first my son didn't care for him much, because this kid was well...sortof CHILDISH. I enjoy talking with his mom and all, but the kid use to drive me BONKERS!! :p My son just started distancing himself from him, but going to others friends houses, being to busy to visit with this other kid, etc. Finally the kid didn't come around much. Now my son is friends with this boy, a few years later, and they get along GREAT!!!

I guess what I'm getting at is, just MAYBE in time, this girl will turn around and show a new side, a kinder, better side???!!!

It is VERY hard raising a child these days, when we want them to make decisions for themselves, yet guide them and yet hold back OUR own feelings. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm hoping all works out in time for you all.

Jenl

[KBMommy]

Sounds like your daughter is showing good judgement. We can't all like the people we volunteer with, work with or are neighbours with. I would let your kids avoid her and make other plans with other kids.
I totally empathize with your daughter. It's her party/friendships and she has to now worry about this other girl being bossy, breaking her stuff, deflating her chair, etc. It's just a nuisance for her.
I have a friend like this (doesn't break my stuff lol) but is just high maintenance, whines, monopolizes the conversation - I've decided to just keep the frienship to a bare minimum. She was the maid of honour at my wedding, but people do outgrow each other. I also have another friend who is a stay at home Mom. My son and I are in a bunch of playgroups and have a lot of friends, well she doesn't join anything and when her kids come over they are super excited and are really really out of control, hyperactive and bratty. Unfortunately, she is also my dh's boss's wife! Again, I keep the friendship to the barest minimum and don't introduce her to any of my friends. Had her kids over once with my son's regular playmates and the experience was a nightmare.
I guess you could teach your daughter about getting along with others, choosing friends, etc. If she is feeling in a generous mood, she can invite the girl to play, if not she can say she's busy right now, but she'll play with her another time. This is sort of how we handle things as adults - we just keep putting people off and hope they'll find some other interests, it's not nice to just come right out and tell someone you don't like them. Maybe she'll have to be firm with her the next time they play and say if you do x (deflate my chair), I can't let you play with my things because you break them.
You child is young and wants to enjoy having fun and playing, not watching this girls behaviour and worrying about her being bossy and ruining things.
If the mother complains about your dd's treatment to her dd, I'd tell her the truth - their just 2 different kids with different temperments, it's too bad they can't be better friends right now, maybe in the future....

[Crafty Amanda]

Thanks everyone for your advice! I think you are right, we'll just steer clear whenever we can. We'll see how the party goes

[Shawn]

I don't know what to say....

My daughter is on both sides of that fence. There is a girl that she does not like and will not play with and then there are some that will not play with my child.

I know how much it hurts when your child is treated bad and how you feel when your child treats others that way.

I just sat her down and told her that she does not have to like everyone nor does she have to play with everyone but she HAS to be civil to them.

When the girl asked Hunter to play, she nicely said to her that she does not think they can play nice together. The girl said ok and to this day they say hello to each other and play in school but that is it.

On the other hand, Hunter tries to play with other kids and they don't want her involved. So what she does now is tells them... it is ok, because I have real friends..... now they want to play with her. go figure.


BTW, I did explain to my DD that the way the "mean" girls were to her is how the other girl felt also. She told me she did not like the way it feels so she would not do it to anyone else.

I found that my daughter has a pretty good judgement now... it sounds like yours does also Amanda.

Kids are kids and this is just the begining (unfortunately).

I hope it all gets worked out.

[Lifestar]

So, I was wondering how this all worked out?

I have had a similar problem, and I did manage to tell the other mom how my daughter felt about her daughter and all-in-all, it went pretty well.


We were having a 'heart-to heart" about an episode of hurt feelings, between our daughters, and commenting about how well she and I got along as adult women. But then I commented that it was just pure luck that we clicked so nicely, and we really shouldn't expect our daughters to click just because we did.

I also said that we shouldn't expect the girls to get along just because they are neighbors, or the same age. Thier personalities don't always mesh, and it's not their faults. It would be like expecting us to socialize with every other woman on the block just because they live there. We both agreed that would be impossible!

Now there was a bit of hurt feelings, (how could there not be when it comes to our children,) but no animosity. The girls sometimes play together out in the street, when all the neighborhood kids are out there, but not at each others homes anymore. (And they all need to be civil to each other.) I think it ended up being a win-win situation. What about yours?

[Crafty Amanda]

We pretty much had the same results. I ended up bringing it up during a conversation about school. We were talking about something that happened in the classroom or on the playground and I just kind of led into it. It went well. One of things we agreed on was that it's possible for them to dislike each other now, but in three or four years they could be the best of friends.

Kids! LOL