I am having such a problem watching my Dad go down hill...
It is so painful for me to visit him, and watch the decline. I have avoided going to see him, but that's not the solution, and I know it. It only produces guilt in me, and anger in his wife...
But inside that shell of my father, I can't find my dad anymore..
He doesn't know me. He is just a frightened, angry confused, little man...
How do you deal with that stranger inside your parent's face??
Val, here I am just poking around and I found your post. Sorry I didn't find it sooner.
As I don't know what is going on with your father at this point in time, I hope I don't say anything hurtful or bring up something sad.
Here is my story:
My mom had a stroke in Feb. She went from my mom who I could lean on to my mom who needed me. When I go to see her now, I sometimes don't recognize her.
How do you cope with your parents going down hill? It's not easy. It would be a lot easier for me to see my mom go on and not see her in so much pain than to watch her suffer.
How are things going for you now? If you want to talk more, you are welcome to IM me or just respond to this post.
Hoping the best for you.
My dad has vascular dementia..it has been progressing over the past few year, through many stages and phases.
It is a kin to Altzheimer's disease, but it also produces micro strokes, so there is some physical deterioration as well.. He is 85, and has been deteriorating since about the age of 81...
My dad is a ghost. He is no one I know, and he knows no one. The man I knew and love is gone. And I miss him. It's odd to mourn for someone while they are still alive. People don't understand what I mean.. not unless they have "been there".
It is sad and terrifying. I don't go see him anymore. The visits would only be for the sake of other family members, and I have no desire to please them. His wife visits every day, and my brother who lives nearby visits several times a week. The rest of us live farther away.. so the others visit less often.
I remember my dad for who he was.. and although I long to ask him to remember me, and love me again, I realize that the man who had the power to do that died inside his brain a long time ago. Dementia is a cruel disease.
I hope your mother makes progress in recovering from her stroke. I know that not all the damage is reversable.. but I hope that with good therapy, you will see some progress over the coming year .
It's so hard watching your parents age, and the reversing of the roles... The transition to taking care of your parents is a hard ego shift. It was very stressful for me. But the harder part was when we decided that the best thing was getting a caetaker for my dad, rather than his living at home..
But in the end .. that is the better choice. He gets 24 hour care, one-on-one from a wonderful woman and her family. He lives with her in her home, and this is her profession. It is us kids' inheratance that we are spending to provide this level of care.. and it is well spent.
Well I have sure rambled on here.. and no, you didn't say anything upsetting.. an I certainly hope I haven't said anything to upset you...
But then again, this isn't an easy subject, is it?
Be well, and I'll keep your mom in my prayers for a continued recovery.
Wow! I need this thread too! My mom died in Dec. Now my dad is having health problems. He says he has 'something' in his stomach. why he won't call it cancer I have no idea. He insists on staying with the VA hospital six hours from here. They are so overworked and understaffed....... dad hasn't been able to talk to HIS doctor since June. We never got all the biopsies..... I am pushing dad to make final plans. He is to have another scope done on the fifth and I have a very funny feeling about it. Dad simply does not care. I love him, he is my father but......he is also a control freak. He lied to himself, my mother and everyone else about how ill my mother was for years, decades really. If she would have gotten help decades ago, we might have been a family at one point in time. As it is, dad wanted mom and no one else. The hardest part in her dying is the lies. I knew mom was mentally ill but I never dreamed it was as bad as it was. It makes me ill to think she was shooting who knows what between her fingers and dad lied about everything. But..... she is at peace now.
Dad has cancer of the stomach all the way up to his throat. He is choking on food and liquids now. But he is still working. I think he will drop dead while working. When the illness catches up to him it will be boom. In a way that is easier than what you girls are living with.
__________________
"Do the best that you can where you are, and be kind." by Scott Nearing
Val,
You just answered a HUGE question for me and you deserve a big ((HUG)) for it. Thank you. I think I now know why 2 of my brothers don't come to see Mom. I can understand why you can't see your Dad, and it's because he isn't there anymore. We have been praying for Mom to be able to go so that she won't have to suffer anymore.
I hope and pray for the best for your father and for all of you.
Don't feel like you rambled on, you are welcome to IM me any time and I'll give you my email address and phone # if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, someone that has been there.
I have decided that the week my mil was in a coma before she passed away is a lot easier than watching my mom go through this.
Again ((hugs)) to you.
Elaine
well, If I helped at all, I'm glad... I only wish my fmaily was as "understanding" lolol...
Connie, I'm glad you found us too!
It's never easy going through loss alone... I know while I was loosing my Sil to cancer the last couple of years, the ladies here were just wonderful. The mix of anger and love and fear and guilt and G-d knows what else.. and the way it all rushes together in your gut...
Well... it can be overwhelming.. and sometimes it's easier to "spill" it out here, rather than in the real world...
All ov what you are going through sounds like so much right now.. A lot for me to take in at once.. Overwhelming to say the least.
Just know you're welcome to share here..
And Cindy Thanks for the hugs.. I know you'e always there.. You're my "Cajun angel"
why he won't call it cancer I have no idea. He insists on staying with the VA hospital six hours from here. They are so overworked and understaffed....... dad hasn't been able to talk to HIS doctor since June. We never got all the biopsies..... I am pushing dad to make final plans. He is to have another scope done on the fifth and I have a very funny feeling about it. Dad simply does not care. I love him, he is my father but......he is also a control freak. He lied to himself, my mother and everyone else about how ill my mother was for years, decades really. If she would have gotten help decades ago, we might have been a family at one point in time. As it is, dad wanted mom and no one else. The hardest part in her dying is the lies. I knew mom was mentally ill but I never dreamed it was as bad as it was. It makes me ill to think she was shooting who knows what between her fingers and dad lied about everything. But..... she is at peace now. 
