I am 29, a mom to three beautiful girls ages 7, 5, & 3. I have been a military wife for the past 7 years. I was with my husband 2 years before we got married. For the last 2 years I have been considering divorce from my husband. At 2 different times, we considered divorce, but reconciled and stayed together. Now the Army has sent my husband to Korea for 12 months. I know that I no longer want to be married to him. He doesn't know that I have made this decision. I am keeping it quiet for a few reasons. One, while he is overseas serving his country, I feel that it would be unfair and unkind of me to deliver such news. Two, I do not intend to ask for alimony (although, in the 7 years of marriage I have not worked in order to support his decisions or because of his objections) and I need this time to get myself set up financially for the upcoming times on my own with my kids. And, three, I am afraid if I told him, he would find some way to get back to the states and all the emotional tumoil that has occured in the past would begin again. I should say, that he does not physically abuse me or the children. He does, however, abuse me emotionally. I have lived much of the last 5 years suffering from depression that was suddenly lifted after her left. When I tried to go to work, he made it nearly impossible for me to get or keep a job. He would encourage me to go back to college, and then find reasons for me not to be able to go or he would sabbotage my efforts. He has been perpetually unhappy, and has tried to make myself and the children just as unhappy (You know that old saying, "Misery loves company). And, he has cheated and made other alternative lifestyle choices non-conducive to a happy marriage.
I feel that I have given my very best to saving our marriage, we have both gone to counseling and read many books. I feel at this time we are just not compatible and we should move on while we are still relatively whole people and capable of accomplishing our personal goals. I am happier now than I have been in a very, very long time. I am currently enrolled in college, I had my second interview today with a very good company for a very good position(I think I may actually have the job), and I am spending happy quality time with my girls. Speaking of my girls, they, too, are happier, and it is very visable in their behavior.
So, are any of you out there who are separated or recently divorced, and pursuing your goals and dreams with gusto? Are you happy with your decision to divorce? What would you change about your situation?
If any of you would like to chat more personally, feel free to PM me and let me know. I would love to share the story of my personal journey to finding the "real" me, and what gives me strength to continue on with so many obstacles ahead.
Hoping to hear from you soon!
__________________
Stacey
"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear."
i am so happy about my choice to divorce ! just before i had told our daughter who is 15 i was doing it i noticed she was in the kitchen and looked really sad i asked what was up and she said i'm going to live in this mess until i go to college no one is ever going to leave. it was tough for me we had been married for 24years we had a nice home , one child in college and to the outside world we had it all but inside the walls was another scenario. he would travel during the week and on fridays we dreaded him coming home..nothing was ever right he would pick fights all weekend, then he started drinking so he'd be drunk most of the time as well. we went to bed and locked our doors to keep him out. he was very abusive , he loved to control and bully you never knew when he was going to go on a rampage of screaming and scaring everyone or break things, put holes in the walls , calling horrible things like your stupid or fat and then spitting on me. every weekend got more and more terrifying . you just never knew when he would fly off the handle. he would pick a fight before we went to teach religious instruction and you never knew what you were walking back into..it was whatever felt good to him.it has been a tough 8 almost 9 months we lied and deceived felt like i was living with the enemy. he had his paychecks before i had even filed direct deposited into his own accounts saying he would give us money when we needed it and he would do the xmas shopping from now on. on the day i went to file he had said what are you going to do divorce me you cant live without me.....when i told my daughter what i had done she was thrilled. it took time but we found an apartment that was perfect for us a place that loved our pets as we do and a place to sit outside with a balcony so we can read or hang out there during the nice months. Now we arent always running there are no tyraids to run from . we would collect up the little dog and no matter what the weather escape sitting at the lake in the car for hours till it was safe to go home. our animals are even calmer no more fear.... we go to teach and come home to a safe , peaceful house..there is no fighting and screaming trying to stay out of the way of things being broken, no more demeaning we feel better about our selves more confident with each new thing we can do . we go together to buy furniture , set up cell phone accounts. we have fun its just us girls for now my son is in college , we watch tv in peace , we get up in the morning excited about a new day where as before we would stay in bed waiting for him to leave.you knew when you got up he'd start. we are finally done with him and his crazy sisters ...he's taking me to trial because he doesnt want to pay alimony i stayed home for 20 years to raise our children took them everywhere , did crafts with them a mom 24/7 not living with him makes all the difference ITS WONDERFUL! friends would tell me just to hang on its all worth it...they should bottle this feeling so women could have a little spray to let them know how wonderful it is so they can hang on... i have people at the bank happy for me. i feel so happy and my daughter is very happy as well.i feel bad my son was involved by his father it has put a strain on our relationship he seems to take his fathers side a lot.fine but i dont want to hear about it...i dont want to hear my soon to x's name, his voice i hope he's happy its sad he threw his family away but that's his to deal with.he has been having an affair or affairs i only know of the one of course now that he can it wont be as much fun ..i intend to collect the alimony makes our lives easier and why should he have it and then spend it on another woman. we can use it .my kids should be able to have all the perks they had while we were married and trying to get money out of them later is very difficult.more time spent with lawyers and more money . i can save it , invest it and put it toward the future when its just me taking care of myself until i can collect half of his social security.i dont want to get married again because i need help with money i want to be able to do it without another man. mine make 7l,000 + a year he can afford it. the family went years not having things because he spent money on himself and ran up huge credit card bills we all deserve to live comfortably.if i can afford cell phones which they've had for years good , a tv service like dish or time warner with movies certainly they have lived their whole lives having things like that why should i be the heavy and say we dont have enough money.he has enough money and they are his kids as well.road runner , money for college of course plus alimony for the guy is a tax write off women have to pay the taxes on it.then i wont have to have two jobs to get thru and can spend time with my daughter after i come home from work and she comes home from school..i dont want her to feel all alone. child support seems to do well for the groceries, rent and some of the bills but the alimony can get you more of the extras your kids are used to. so the answer to your question is YES we are soooo HAPPY we made the decision to leave we are all soooo much more secure and happy.
also have your own credit card and some money in like a safety deposit box or at a relatives. child support takes a long time coming. i went from 0 balance on the card to l0,000 i needed money to fix the car , tires , dr.s school supplies , groceries and clothes ..make sure you keep busy with a schedule or routine to get a lawyer in new york at least is 2500 up front , you need nice clothes for court dates.....know where you want to live i changed my mind many times then chose to stay in the same town where everything but where we lived was the same. make copies of everything 40l k plans , income tax filings know what your bills are and make lists of things you want from the house ... have all your ducks in order so even though its still difficult you know where you stand and you're alright.i felt better telling friends and my family what was going on and they were so supportive you need a lot of support emotionally to keep you strong .. and a therapist to let you know you are on the right path and they help you understand the things your husband does. if you dont have it get your ged and when you get it go to the actual ceremony everything you can do on your own makes you feel better about your decision
I'm really glad to have found this thread..although I am sad to have to "need" the support. I've decided to divorce after almost 20 years of marriage.My husband,great guy that he is,has cheated on me 4 times in the last 10 years.He and I have been best friends since we were growing up....we were 9 and 11...so this makes it double hard to leave.My daughter ,who is now 15,was the one who finally talked me into leaving.She said that I deserved to be treated better than I was being treated She is such a mature,responsible teen and I am so blessed to have her! Anyway...last September I finally decided,and got the nerve up,to move out on my own! We live 2 blocks from him but it's still "our" place...where there are no arguments and no tension.Him and I are still friends and are able to go to dinner without arguments and most people have a hard time believing that I do it,lol. Most of my friends wouldnt even have anything to do with him if it happened to them....but guess I was raised to not give up so easily...and well,I have been trying to keep things together for over 10 years so I guess Im not giving up too easily,lol.It really is interesting to live on your own..never have done it before,lol. My life has changed dramatically.I was a stay at home mom and now I work about 56 hours a week and have gone back to college!! And I homeschool my daughter...so my plate is full...but I really am finding that with God's help,I can do all things thru Him I really am finding strength I never knew existed...and I'm loving it. I'm so glad to read that I'm not the only one who is making this journey.Even tho none of us want to be in this position...it's nice to know we're not alone
Hugs,Elaine
__________________ Proud Nana to Laylynn Brooke..born 12/13/07
~*Bride to be*~ July 30,2011 to my handsome Teddy bear-David
Elaine - Wow, I can see why you have not been on the boards for awhile prior the the last couple of months. I had been thinking about you.
I am sorry that you have gotten a divorce but I know we have to do what is best. That is great that you are still able to get along with him especially when a child is involved.
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Post Card Angel
Children have never been very good at listening to their parents, but they have never failed to imitate them. Baldwin ~
it helps so much to have the support of family , friends and someone who has been thru the process of a divorce ....they know things that the new person going thru it does not know and can not even begin to understand. i filed last march , my son is in college ,my 16 year old daughter and i found a really nice apartment with the washer and dryer hookup...private entrance so when she is alone she is not afraid of the outside in the hallway noise. we feel safe no more being afraid when he starts because if he starts now he is in a completely different town. he uses the kids to get information about me, he still hasnt paid the court ordered maintenance but he will and by not doing what a judge told him to do will be a problem for him. ... we have other stresses like making ends meet, getting a new job after not working for 20 years. a 24 year marriage is not an easy thing to leave..but he did see a lawyer first and he did get the papers and left them around for me to see and be afraid of our futures..he was the one who took the money out of the account leaving us with what he felt we needed...knew what amount of money we needed for groceries after shopping in years..i saw a therapist who got me thru ,helping me to understand that i have post traumatic stress syndrome and the memory lapses are a form of surviving .....I understand more what i have been thru now that i can stand back and look at it. the loving supportive ear of those who listened over and over .....the hand that was always there to help guide and pull us along.they can not ever know the gratitude i feel for them unless they have been thru it themselves which many have. you win by being happy, making a nice and safe life for yourself and your children,not being bitter ,leaving the past behind and trying to learn from it. your best revenge is leaving the x behind and never looking back , and being truly happy...............to know that as women we have choices and no matter what any one says with support there is nothing we can not handle
Last edited by mgoodcooke; 04-04-2007 at 05:37 PM.
), and I am spending happy quality time with my girls. Speaking of my girls, they, too, are happier, and it is very visable in their behavior.
I'm really glad to have found this thread..although I am sad to have to "need" the support. I've decided to divorce after almost 20 years of marriage.My husband,great guy that he is,has cheated on me 4 times in the last 10 years.He and I have been best friends since we were growing up....we were 9 and 11...so this makes it double hard to leave.My daughter ,who is now 15,was the one who finally talked me into leaving.She said that I deserved to be treated better than I was being treated 
She is such a mature,responsible teen and I am so blessed to have her! Anyway...last September I finally decided,and got the nerve up,to move out on my own! We live 2 blocks from him but it's still "our" place...where there are no arguments and no tension.Him and I are still friends and are able to go to dinner without arguments and most people have a hard time believing that I do it,lol. Most of my friends wouldnt even have anything to do with him if it happened to them....but guess I was raised to not give up so easily...and well,I have been trying to keep things together for over 10 years so I guess Im not giving up too easily,lol.It really is interesting to live on your own..never have done it before,lol.
it helps so much to have the support of family , friends and someone who has been thru the process of a divorce ....they know things that the new person going thru it does not know and can not even begin to understand. i filed last march , my son is in college ,my 16 year old daughter and i found a really nice apartment with the washer and dryer hookup...private entrance so when she is alone she is not afraid of the outside in the hallway noise. we feel safe no more being afraid when he starts because if he starts now he is in a completely different town. he uses the kids to get information about me, he still hasnt paid the court ordered maintenance but he will and by not doing what a judge told him to do will be a problem for him. ... we have other stresses like making ends meet, getting a new job after not working for 20 years. a 24 year marriage is not an easy thing to leave..but he did see a lawyer first and he did get the papers and left them around for me to see and be afraid of our futures..he was the one who took the money out of the account leaving us with what he felt we needed...knew what amount of money we needed for groceries after shopping in years..i saw a therapist who got me thru ,helping me to understand that i have post traumatic stress syndrome and the memory lapses are a form of surviving .....I understand more what i have been thru now that i can stand back and look at it. the loving supportive ear of those who listened over and over .....the hand that was always there to help guide and pull us along.they can not ever know the gratitude i feel for them unless they have been thru it themselves which many have. you win by being happy, making a nice and safe life for yourself and your children,not being bitter ,leaving the past behind and trying to learn from it. your best revenge is leaving the x behind and never looking back , and being truly happy...............to know that as women we have choices and no matter what any one says with support there is nothing we can not handle
