I am hoping that all you divorced Mom's out there could give me advice....this will probalby sound so confusing so I will just type away and hope someone can make some sense out of it!!!
My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 4 children 14, 13, 8 and 2.5. I sometimes feel as though I am just hanging on, then I think maybe I am just a spoiled brat. I don't know. I would like other opinions.
First, he drinks...alot he holds a very good paying job...always. But, he seems to be so "stuck" on himself. He puts me down and tells me I am worthless, a bad mother, a "pig" I don't clean the house like I shoud. That if I ever leave him I will see...not sure what he means by this. He constantly picks fights...but only when drinking. He is (almost) the perfect man when sober, but when he drinks he is a real jerk!!!!!
Right before I got pregnant with child #4, he was sent to jail for physical abuse (to me). He had to spend a night in jail and go to anger management classes. He is not physical with anymore...with me. But I still have that slight bit of doubt...will he do it again...start again.
Our parenting ways are so different, he thinks that the kids are always lying, he never listens to them. He was getting forceful with my son in teh past, but the neighbors heard him yelling at him and called the police on him, now he thinks he can't discipline the kids. Not that really matters to me. He thinks that a slap or crack will solve all problems. My oldest daughter...I feel he is too hard on her and verbally abusive...I don't know if I know the difference between abuse and punishment....I was never spanked or smacked as a child.
I have asked him to quit drinking, he won't he won't even go for help. He says he is the way he is and it won't change. That I have too!!! or just get used to it. He absolutely refuses to go to counseling for anything!!!!
I keep thinking divorce, my oldest 2 children absolutely (I believe) from the bottom of their hearts hate him. The 3rd is Daddy;s little girl so she don't see it yet, and of course #4 is clueless.
Where do I draw the line and "jump ship"???? How do I go about it I only work part time from home we own our home...(mortgaged) I do not have money for a security deposit for a rental home....and no friends that have room, and parents that do not back up my decision!!! Mom would rather loan me the money for a rental, but then I do I keep paying for it....How do I get a place with bad credit???
Am I just spoiled???? Or stupid??? Do I get out...or stay, and hope for the best????
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!
karen
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Karen
When I was young, I always said I wanted to be someone...I guess I should have been more specific!
First let me say that you are not spoiled or stupid!
I am so sorry you are living in those conditions. I was divorced after 15 years of marriage and even though my life is better and I am, essentially, happy...I regret it very often. That is a matter of guilt on my part, though, because I left a good man just because he didn't love me....how's that for spoiled? I regret it for my kids because even though we have a good arrangement and he and I get along great (better divorced than married), it makes things tougher for them. Too many big decisions for kids to have to make about who to spend holidays with and that kind of thing. I would not ordinarily recommend divorce to anyone. It is heartbreaking in just about any situation. But, with that said....I grew up in a home with a father alot like your husband. He didn't drink, but he physically abused my mom and my older brother and verbally abused the rest of us. I hated him and always wanted Mom to leave him. He cheated on her multiple times but I had a mentally retarded brother that required her constant care and she felt she couldn't leave. She also felt divorce was just plain wrong, so she stayed and we were all miserable. They finally divorced after I was grown with kids of my own and she ended up marrying a widowed minister (who I always loved) and she is happy beyond belief!! I guess I'm not really giving any good advice here, but I guess I'm just saying that there are worse things than divorce....like MARRIAGE! A bad marriage is hell on earth. I don't think anyone should have to live their life being told that they are stupid or worthless. That absolutely breaks my heart. My dad did that to me and to this day I have moments of still believing him. You may want to consider that for your children in making this decision. It seems that at this time, the financial thing may be the biggest consideration for you and I just am clueless about how to overcome that. I was fortunate in the way everything worked out for me....probably more fortunate than I deserved. I worked hard at first...two kids in school and a full-time job that started at 7am...on my feet the whole time so I know it's HARD!!! You will be in my most heartfelt prayers. I wish I could give you concrete advice. It's hard either way. Don't let him make you believe what he says. He's an alcoholic and that's what they do. Everyone else is the problem. Don't believe him. You are none of those things. You have friends here.
Thank you so much for your input...people have been telling me all my life that I am spoiled. But, I felt that I was not being spoiled in this situation. I am so confused.
Did you ever tell your mom that you wanted her to divorce your dad? The reason I ask is because both my son and my daughter have mentioned it to me. Just when they are at him...I don't know their honest feelings...and don't want to ask them on account of "downing" their fater.
I think I would have left by now but the financial thing is what is holding me back...and it should not be that way!!! I guess there is always welfare...but I don't think welfare is accessible until I leave. I really don't want to put the kids into going to a homeless/battered women shelter. They really like where they are the school they are in and the neighborhood. We would have to live in town but they would enjoy that even more anyway. I would be in walking distance to many things!! Now I am just rambling...I am so sorry...but it feels good to talk it out with someone. Maybe if I put it in writing it will go through my thick head.LOL
I never knew a drunk so I did not know if this is how they are or not!!! But, I guess he will never change. So I guess I will have to like he suggested...but not in the way he expects me too. I am going to look around and see what I can do, about the financial situation!!!
again thank you so much for listening to me and giving advice!!!!
Karen
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Karen
When I was young, I always said I wanted to be someone...I guess I should have been more specific!
I am so sorry you and your children are having to live in this situation. It must be so hard, especially being that your husband is nice when he's sober. I lived in an alcohol/substance abuse marriage for several years and eventually did get a divorce. My first bit of advice would be to seek out help and support for you. Have you heard of Al-Anon? It's for the families and friends of alcoholics. It is a WONDERFUL organization and I cannot tell you how much it helped me. You will see that there are others out there who have situations similar to yours. Al-Anon helped me to know I wasn't alone and/or crazy!! It can really help with the decisions you've mentioned you might need to make. Their website is www.al-anon-alateen.org. (They also have a group for teens called Alateen.) I don't think you sound spoiled, I think you're acting maturely. You're trying to make the best decision for you and your children.
You mentioned that "you never knew a drunk." Neither did I until I was married. Let me assure you, they can change, but only if they decide to. You can't control them or make them change.
The second thing I would recommend is a book called The Power of A Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. It has been a fantastic, life-changing book for me. Actually, I would recommend you get this book first! I truly believe in the power of prayer.
That's great advice from Momof4. I have thumbed through that book a number of times but never bought it. Maybe I will now. What I saw, I loved.
You asked if I ever told my mom what I wanted. Well, she involved me pretty early on. I kind of helped her spy on him and together we looked for clues of the affairs. As a child, I didn't tell her what I wanted and I have a very early memory of my dad waking me up one night and asking me if I wanted him to leave. Too much for a kid and although I did want him to, I told him "no" and hugged him. Later, when I was in college, they talked divorce again (they had been divorcing since she was pregnant with me, but he always begged and promised to change and she always took him back). Now, I do not remember this but my mom says that I told her (when I was 19) that I thought she should leave and when she decided not to again I was angry and stopped talking to her for a while. I have blanked this out I suppose because I really don't remember it. She took him back and for seven years, it was good....the best it had ever been. For the first time I felt I had a real dad. He did the wedding thing with me (giving me away) and then when I had my first child, he was a doting grandfather. One Easter morning, my brother and his wife decided to surprise him by showing up$at his church. He became irate and said Mom sent them to spy on him. She didn't. As it turned out, he was having an affair with a woman at the church. He had never really changed. Let me back up....back in college, I do remember my dad asking me to back off about wanting mom to leave him and I told him only if he promised to never cheat on her again and he did promise me. So, when I found out about the woman at church....well...I have never spoken to him again. That was 15 years ago. I see him occasionally. He doesn't speak. I don't speak. She finally left him after finding out about that affair. It was the best thing she ever did for herself and I often still wish she had done it earlier. I never say that as she carries tremendous guilt for staying with him all those years. She blames my divorce on that, in fact. Having a good father around is soooooo important but just as a good father influences his children for good....a bad father influences his children for bad just as much. It is hard to escape, even in adulthood, the harsh words of a parent in your early years. It's too hard not to believe them even when you think you don't. I wish you luck. I know this is the hardest decision you will ever make. Love, Lisa
Angela, thank you for the website will definitely check it out. I wonder if my Library would have the book (Power of a Praying Wife). Although I don't think praying will help anymore.
He seems to go into "remissions" occasionally, but it is always right back to the same old drinking ways...I get so tired of it. I become metnally and physically drained from it!!!
Lisa, I think my problem sounds like your parents, except for the affairs, I never suspected him of an affair...although they say Love is blind...and i have been ignoring alot from him.
I think my best solution I have come up with is to go to an abuse shelter...but I feel so guilty because I (or my children) are not physically abused. But, we are verbally abused...without a doubt. I dont know if you can go to a shelter for that reason.
He asks the kids if they want us to get a divorce so they can have a new dad...so pathetic. This is not something to ask a teen or younger. They have as much mixed feelings (more) than the two of us do. He thinks they should think like adults.
Again thank you both so much for the advice, listening and support!!! I really do appreciate it!!!
I am so confused!!!!
Love,
Karen
karen
__________________
Karen
When I was young, I always said I wanted to be someone...I guess I should have been more specific!
Karen,
I'd like to encourage you to not give up on praying. It is actually the most powerful thing you can do, in any situation, although at times it may feel as if it's not working! If you're unable to get a copy of the book I mentioned above, please send me a private message and let me know, and I'll get one to you.
Lisa~
