Hi everyone,
I haven't been posting for quite awhile, now. I am going through the toughest time that i ever have.
I need to talk about all of this, and get some sort of emotional support.
I am not married, but was engaged for the last 2 years. My whole existence depended on whether or not this guy loved me.
One day, about a month ago, he woke up, and told me he was miserable, and was leaving. No discussion...poof...gone.
A week later he called to tell me how much he loved and missed me, and we were back on track to get together.
He said that he would ONLY come back if i changed into the woman that he wanted. He is climbing the ladder at work...will be general mgr. soon, and wants all the trimmings that go with being "somebody". I was willing to do as he wanted. I was either so in love with him, or so desperate to not be alone, that i agreed to his terms. He continued this for the last three weeks..saying he was proud of my progress, and would come home soon. The problem was, that red flags were popping up everywhere. He would say that he loved me...only if no one was around to hear it.
I spent one night at his place, and he would not kiss me goodbye in the morning. He would not call me...sometimes for a few days. Anyway, I did something stupid to make him angry at me, and he ended the relationship with a very cold letter to me via email last sunday.
My reply to him was an outpouring of my emotions, ending with my agreement that maybe we should not be together.
THE END....RIGHT?
Then why can't I function? I cry uncontrollably, I have no interest in taking care of the house, or myself. My 11 year old daughter has taken care of ME! I am SO AFRAID of being alone. I can't seem to find the strength to put this behind me, and get on with my life.
I have not only emotional issues right now, but this guy also had me buy a house in MY NAME ONLY, he did not contribute to the bills for 2 weeks BEFORE he left, someone stole some of my jewelry from the house, my daughter's bike was stolen from her bus stop, my cat was bitten by a snake, and has drained my bank acct. for his treatment, and to top everything...I have found out that I have a torn rotator cuff, need surgery, and do not have any sort of medical insurance.
The past week has been living hell for me. I found myself looking through the yellow pages, trying to find counseling that is free. I need to pick myself up, but have no family or friends. When my ex left, he alienated me from everyone.
I guess what I am saying with all of this, is that I need to TALK. I need to get as much emotional support as i can get right now...from any source. I am alone, and isolated with an 11 yr old daughter to take care of. Right now I can't keep a clear head to do that, and I am Scared.
Thank all of you for allowing me to write this ...
Bett
__________________ "The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face, and know them for what they are." Marcus Aurelius
I want to say that first of all, I have been where you are, secondly, you did the best thing you could have, reaching out for support. My heart goes out to you, emotional abuse is just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse! From what you have shared, I believe that you do understand that it should be over between the two of you. If you have no interest in normal life, that is a sign of depression. There are places that will counsel you for nothing or base it on your salary. I would call the welfare office and ask for a referral. Otherwise, the phone book may help. I don't know what kind of work that you do, but if you were able to purchase a home in your name only then they felt that you could afford it. If you have depleted your savings and have no family, you may want to consider a small loan to get you back on your feet. This will not be something that you will bounce back from quickly. When someone wants you to change who you are, they should be looking somewhere else for companionship! The one thing that I learned from my ordeal was that I should be accepted for who I am by anyone who wants to be a part of my life! Also, your whole existence should never be based on someone else! As much as no one wants to be alone their whole life, we should be content enough with our self to be able to be okay with being alone. Being scared is a learning tool to me. I think it is our bodys' way of pooling our inner strength. As humans, we seem to pull ourselves out of things like this using our fear. You have an 11 year old daughter, same age as my youngest, and she needs you! Do what is necessary to get things together for her sake until you can do so for your own sake! I hope that this will help in some way. I'll be back to see how you are doing.;-)
Bett,
I am sooo sorry for what you are going through right now. I remember when my Ex told me that he was going to leave, that he didn't love me anymore, I tried everything in my POWER to get him to stay - tried doing everything different, making all his favorite things, doing everything his way etc but it didn't work......I was sooo depressed for a week - I couldn't go to work, couldn't take care of my house, cook for my 2 little boys.....Nothing!!! I wasn't getting any support as I was brought up in a Christian household & you aren't supposed to get divorced - You make things work no matter what!!! I finally just pulled myself together - on the outside only!!! and started back on my life. The hardest times were at night, when the kids were in bed & I was in the tub - Crying my heart out!!! At the risk of sounding redundant......I really had to reach out to God and know that He would be the one to take care of me & my children. I prayed like crazy and just had to learn to lean on HIM & HIM alone. Yes, there were a lot of hard times that I had to get through, but with Jesus, It did make it easier to bear. I had to get my older son into counselling & we went through Catholic Charities. They only have you pay based on what you can pay and a lot of times, Insurance will take care of it - My son's Insurance paid for all of his sessions. There are also counselling programs through the County & Social Services. Please don't feel you are a failure if you need to use these services - Everyone, & I mean Everyone needs help once in awhile and We should never be ashamed to use those programs. If you ever need to chat or talk, I am always available.....would love to be there for you. God Bless. (kvoorhis@stny.rr.com)
Prayers,
I AM SORRY TO HEAR YOU ARE SUFFERING THIS WAY .
THE LAST POST IS IT " DSL",
(FORGIVE ME FOR NOT KNOWING YOUR NAME !) SHE HAS GIVEN YOU VERY GOOD ADVICE , I HOPE YOU WILL TAKE IT .
IF YOU CAN NOT FIND COUNSELING WITH THE SOURCES YOU HAVE , CALL YOU NEAREST HOSPITAL . THEY HAVE LIST THEY WILL MAIL YOU WTH THE COUNSELING AGENCY IN YOUR AREA .
AND , IF YOU HAVE FAITH , ASK GOD FOR HELP AS OFTEN AS YOU WANT ! A MILLION TIMES A DAY IS NOT TO MUCH , GOD LOVES YOU !
AND TRY EACH DAY TO CARE FOR YOUR CHILD , IT WILL BECOME EASIER WITH EACH PASSING DAY .
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME PRIVATELY IF YOU WISH .
I'L BE BACK - DOLORES
Look for a center for abused women, or a support group for victims of domestic violence. Some police depts even have special domestic violence units now. Any group concerned with domestic violence should be able to help you out with finding a counsellor.
What you have experienced with this man (I use that term loosely... sounds more like a little boy!) is considered abuse. Now you may run into some folks who think that emotional and vervbal abuse is not 'real' abuse, but they are DEAD wrong... It is every bit as bad as physical abuse; in some ways it can be worse. It sounds as if he has seriously damaged your self-esteem, and it will take time to heal. A real man would not want you to change, he would love you for who you are! This is not YOUR fault! It's all his!
My daughter is married to an emotionally abusive man. She was depressed and suicidal... she started seeing a domestic violence counsellor and has made great progress! Unfortunately, she won't leave him... at least not yet! But she no longer lets him control her, and doesn't let his 'tantrums' bother her anymore! She, too, was terrified of 'being alone', and has 2 kids, but has now come to realize that some things are worse than being alone.
I, too, had to learn all these life lessons the hard way... I was also married to an abuser for many years who convinced me that I couldn't do without him, etc, etc. One day I got to thinking about, as I call it, 'the me I used to be' And I realized that I could do very well without his crap!
I suspect I have rambled on long enough here! I don't know if anything I've said has helped, but sometimes it helps to talk to others who understand first hand. Just know you have a friend here... if I were closer, I'd give ya a big hug, but a cyber-hug will have to do!!! {{{{{{{Bettdev}}}}}}}
Hi bettdev,
Good for you for reaching out for help. I have a few suggestions for you. If you belong to a church, call them. They may have counselers you could talk to. Otherwise, get your phone book out and call the nearest crisis hotline. As far as your house payment is concerned, what about renting out a room to a friend? This would help you pay the bills, and also you would have a support system. I know you can't see this right now, but this is the best thing that could have happened to you. That man did not love you. It will take time, but you will get stronger everyday. I hope it helps to know that people care. I'll leave you with my favorite saying, "and this too shall pass......"
My heart goes out to you also. My husband left me with a 2+ year old that had just finished with a bone marrow transplant for no immune system. I had no job, no home, no money. He was military and I had flown 2000 miles to find out he didn't love me anymore and had found someone else. I had to find the money to fly home with my son, and start over. My belongings and what furniture I had were left behind and did not get until 2 years later, with lots missing. What a mess.
My heart goes out to you also. My husband left me with a 2+ year old that had just finished with a bone marrow transplant for no immune system. I had no job, no home, no money. He was military and I had flown 2000 miles to find out he didn't love me anymore and had found someone else. I had to find the money to fly home with my son, and start over. My belongings and what furniture I had were left behind and did not get until 2 years later, with lots missing. What a mess.
But what I gained in inner strength due to this is immearsurable.
If not for my son, I would have wallowed in self pity. He was my touchstone and what kept me sane. You have to give it all for your child. There are many agencies that will help you. Judicare can help you with any legal issues, church, social services, friends, family. Reach out and they can help you thru the tough times. If you cannot afford to make the payments on your house, sell it, bank the majority of the monies and move to a nice size apartment if necessary, or smaller home with lower payments. This is a good time to do that as the interest rates on home loans is low right now.
Accidently hit send!
And make time for yourself, long walks to think things through, church if you go, get involved with a group that you and your child can participate in together. Look for a job that offers you health insurance if you don't have. There is state health insurance, possibly , where you live that you can get in the interim. And if you have to... and I did....sit in the closet and have a good cry once and awhile. I didn't hide things from my son, which has been a plus in our relationship. But when I was really depressed, I felt better to keep this from him. He is now 18 1/2 and knows that we can make it through tough times, and the other day said that those were some of the best days he rememebers. We had each other and that was more important than anything that money could buy.
You WILL make it!! Make that your Mantra and repeat daily!
The 10 years I had before I remarried were great, tough, but made me a stronger person and made me realize that I didn't and shouldn't depend on anyone else but me! You can reach for help, but the bottom line is YOU! You make the difference in your life. Here's to a New Tomorrow!!!
Keep looking for the good things each day and you will be surprised how they start to multiply. Good Luck to you and your child.
Dear Bett, You are a beautiful person! Please believe that!! It is your ex who has done a horrible thing--not you. You've got to believe in yourself and take your life back. We are all rooting for you!! Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing!! We love you!
I want to say that first of all, I have been where you are, secondly, you did the best thing you could have, reaching out for support.
My heart goes out to you, emotional abuse is just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse!
From what you have shared, I believe that you do understand that it should be over between the two of you. If you have no interest in normal life, that is a sign of depression. There are places that will counsel you for nothing or base it on your salary. I would call the welfare office and ask for a referral. Otherwise, the phone book may help. I don't know what kind of work that you do, but if you were able to purchase a home in your name only then they felt that you could afford it. If you have depleted your savings and have no family, you may want to consider a small loan to get you back on your feet.
This will not be something that you will bounce back from quickly.
Being scared is a learning tool to me. I think it is our bodys' way of pooling our inner strength. As humans, we seem to pull ourselves out of things like this using our fear. You have an 11 year old daughter, same age as my youngest, and she needs you!
