Many of you have known me for years... and you know that my marriage has had troubles for a long time... But three weeks ago today my husband left me.
It seems he'd been mulling it over for months... We have talked about a separation of sorts for a long time; more of a half joke.. He'd rent a dorm room at the hospital during the week, and come home on the weekends. But three weeks ago on a Monday night, he told me he was moving to the dorms. No discussion... just informed me. I was shocked to say the least that he made this decision without speaking to me, but actually kind of relieved that it was happening. I thought some time apart might be healing, and give us a chance to see if we were happier apart than we were together.
That Thursday, I got a text message out of the blue that said 'love u too honey'. i hadn't sent him any text telling him I loved him, and in our 30 years together have never called each other honey. i was baffled and texted back 'I think you meant that text message for your girlfriend' sort of jokingly... after a minute, he texted, 'damn, I hate when this kind of things happen". I was stunned... I had no idea.
He packed Thursday night, and was gone Friday morning. It was left to me to tell our 17 y/o daughter.
it seems he had been "banging this chick" for "a couple of months" ... direct quote. He wouldn't tell me who she was, but said we didn't know each other. i don't trust him at all, and don't believe a word he says.
he has been coming to the house on weekends, fixing things, like installing new smoke detectors and security lights... fixing a banister, putting together his tools, teaching me how to use the snow blower... My daughter invites him to stay for dinner, so I feed him, and send him home with left overs. it helps him to not spend money on pizza... but it makes me very upset, though I can't show it. My daughters (one is away at college) don't know about his cheating, only that we're separated because neither of us is happy. and neither of my girls is surprised by this.
i DO NOT want my marriage back. I would love to have the marriage that 'could have been' but that's a fantasy. We are NOT getting divorced because I need his health insurance, and he is paying all of the bills. (everything but the house is in his name anyway) he owns the cars, holds the mortgage and the credit cards. but New York is a joint property state, so in a split, each spouse is entitled to 1/2 the assets, and responsible for 1/2 the debt acquired during the marriage. if he refuses to accept all the debts, i will have to declare bankruptcy will will decimate any credit rating I may have.
We have to sign a separation agreement, spelling out the division of assets, child support for my younger daughter, spousal maintenance, aka alimony, get an audit to see the value of his pension and the house, etc. He wants to do this on our own with a computer program. I say no friggin way. i want a mediator, and then have an attorney review the final document before I sign anything. he also doesn't want to pay for an actuary.
the problem is that I haven't had a "real' job in 20 years. I am partially disabled, 54 y/o with a HS education, 40 college credits and little prospect for a job. i am a retired paramedic, and have no job history outside the medical field, and all my medical certifications have expired. i am not physically able to recertify myself in the medical field because of my physical limitations. i was denied social security disability because the judge felt I could be retrained to perform sedentary duties. now i don't have enough work credits to reapply for SSDI. i can't afford to go back to college just now, and even though i'm out of my marriage, i still feel trapped financially.
we have always lived paycheck-to-paycheck, like so may others. We have no savings or investments other than life insurance and my husband's pension and our house which is heavily mortgaged. we have 2 car loans and &8,000 in credit card debt. one daughter is graduating from college with a B.SW and will have to go to grad school to get her M.SW. You can't get a job as a social worker without the master's degree, so she will have to take out more student loans. my other daughter is starting college in the fall. She's getting great scholarships but there is tuition to be paid too.
I am so overwhelmed and frightened. i have given up so much of myself over the course of the marriage; piece by piece, attempting to keep the peace and not make him angry; that i don't know who i am anymore. i'm not the person I was 30 years ago... and I will not be the person i have been while married anymore. i have to figure out who i am, especially now that my younger daughter is leaving home and it will just be me and the dog. I babysit for my neighbor's baby 4 days a week, but it is still isolating and lonely, and the pay is only $5/hr. which in NYC terms is nothing.
I need solid advice and support. my friends mean well, but they either can't understand (blessedly for them) or they have been divorced so long, that they can't remember the emotions i am having now. they say be strong, move ahead, one day at a time.. but it's only been three weeks and i'm still reeling!
He has no money after paying the bills. I have no income.. how am i going to afford the help i need to protect myself in the separation? i don't know where to turn. I'm angry and frightened and really, really scared.
So sorry for all you are going through, my friend!!! I cannot imagine being in your shoes. I didn't know you 30 years ago, but in our interactions, I have found you to be VERY sweet, smart and caring of others. 3 GREAT qualities, so don't change those.
I was a stay at home Mom for 17 years, so I know how isolated it can feel to be out of the workforce. I recently worked for 3 1/2 years at a call center for customer service for a cell phone provider. I LOVED it. Hoping to soon be able to do that right from my home. Would be perfect for me. Have you tried Home Shopping Network??? They do customer service from home. Might be something to check into.
As far as all the legal stuff, sorry to say I have no idea where to start. Never been through that myself, so I am clueless. Sorry.
Just know I am here for you, an ear to listen.
Hugs my friend!!!
__________________ Connie
Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever. ~Author Unknown
Thank you so much for your kind words!! They mean so much to me. Unfortunately I have tried applying for customer service jobs, but because of my credit rating they won't hire me.
Valerie,
Sorry to hear about your problem. First check with Social services and see if there is a program for legal aid. Then apply for Benefits with them such as for finacial aide for dependent children and food. If your oldest DD is going to college your husband is still responsible to help out with funds. Also you need to find out if your taxes have been filed yet or not. You don't want to have him take all of any refund you might be getting back. Also, make sure that he's not trying to fix up your house in order to sell it out from under you. I don't know much about you situation. But these may give you an idea of what to look for and where and what to start doing.
Also, there are grants you can apply for to help you go back to school too.
Wishing you the best in a bad situation and keeping you in my thoughts.
Go to the court house and find out what programs are available to help you out. You may be able to get money for heating your house and food stamps.
Look for a job that you can handle. Look at the possibility of turning your home into a Day Care. Look at the possibility of working for Home Care. They often need help.
You would go to other people's homes and help them.
There are people that make a living going to flea markets and garage sales, buying things there and then reselling on E-Bay.
I do know what you are going through. It takes time to get over it. You will go through stages just like you would if your dh had passed on.
Take a day at a time. Work on pulling yourself together. Look to see if a church or hospital has a support group for divorced or separated people. Sometimes a tech school has programs for this. We are called misplaced persons if I remember correctly. I was divorced after 28 yrs. You may also be able to enroll in a class for office work. A receptionest for example. Or a medical insurance coder.
Right now you need to learn that you are now in charge of your life. You will have to take care of yourself. Start by finding out what programs are available to help you financially.
__________________
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps.
if you are not willing to move your feet.
My 1st thought Val when you said he was fixing up the house was "watch out" he may be wanting to sell it, so beware of "everything he says and does" I have been through a divorce, and learned the hard way, how sneaky they can be, if you cant afford a lawyer, there is Legal Aid to turn to, Im pretty sure its in every state, they can help you as well as any other services you may qualify, Food Stamps, Fuel Assistance etc/. I like what Sharon said about maybe starting a day care in your home. Be strong, you WILL make it through this, and come out better in the long run, dont be afraid to ask for help, one of the mistakes I made . I promise you it gets better, Im happily married to a great guy now. The Lord has a much better path in store for you , and by the way "Karma is a bi--h,lol he will get his.
Hugs to you Val! So sorry to hear this. I agree with Shaorn. Check out what programs are available. I agree with Sandi as well. Watch out for what he is doing. I went through a divorce but my situation was different. Stay strong and remember we are here for you.
__________________ Lauri
Proud Granny of Maddox Timothy Joseph and Saorla Laurie Elizabeth and Graham Michael Eric!
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
Beverly Sills
So very sorry Val.
I haven't been through a divorce, but I did watch one of my ex-boyfriends parents go through one (late 1980's). No one (the husband, the children, me, their family, and close friends) saw it coming! They didn't argue in front of anyone, the kids said they never heard any yelling, the atmosphere never felt staticy when they were together...She was a stay at home mom of 3, eldest was 20 when the parents separated. DH moved out and came home on weekend days (never over night) to help "fix" up the house, when the divorce papers were filed by her - she had a friend deliver them one night before he left. He and the children were visibly shocked and hurt - it occurred on Valentine's - a dinner that my ex's mom was determined we were to be at instead of the plans we had made. She didn't have a "paying" job, all the income that came in was his, they had joint tax filings, bank accounts, car payments, and the house mortgage. She sought out legal advice on the web, friends helped her research possible job positions, and legal council. Allot of stuff took place after the divorce was finalized, but that's what she did. Hope it helps.
Many prayers and hugs
__________________ LIFE means...
Living
In
Faithful
Endeavors
I have to agree with you ladies. The hubbies are very sneaky and very good at telling lies.
We sold our house and I got a settlement from the sale. No spousal maintenance pay. I worked part time and went to school for medical assistant and I got certified. I rented an apartment. I got a loan through the tech school and didn't have to start paying back until I was working. There are grants you can get. You can get all this info from the tech collage.
Val, be sure you have an attorney draw up the papers. And ask if he can sell the house without you signing papers. Write down your questions when you think of something so you don't forget anything when you talk to the attorney.
Have it in the papers that he has to keep you on his medical insurance.
__________________
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps.
if you are not willing to move your feet.
Lauri
:pumpki nsg 
