My ex husband killed himself one week ago today.

aarickasmom · #1 (**permalink**) 11-16-2008, 09:00 PM

I'm in shock and hurting so much.

My ex and I divorced in Jan. 1991. He never remarried but came close at one time. I guess when his relationship bombed (like ours), he just decided marriage was not for him. He was a good guy (I was just too immature at the time to fully appreciate what I had with him). We have a 24 year old son. I went on with my life and had three more children.

Actually we divorced the first time when our son was 10 mos old and remarried for the last time when he was 5 years old. My ex was a wonderful guy and he provided well for his son and his child support check was enough that allowed me to stay home with my three other children until my last one turned 1 years old.

Anyway, our son called me on Wednesday night and told me that his dad committed suicide and was found in Indiana. I guess he was on his way to our son's house in VT, but didn't call our son before leaving AZ.

I'm just so confuse at his death if he did indeed shoot himself. Why he did it (if he actually took his own life) will always haunt me. He didn't sound suicidal when I last talk to him in Sept.

He was found with a bullet to the back of his head, which is why I don't think he killed himself. He's not the type and why wait until you're half way and then decide to kill yourself?

I believe if he was the type to kill himself, he would have done it at home, not in some unfamiliar place. So I'm thinking that he probably stopped for gas and someone either was hiding in his truck or he picked up a couple of people and they killed him. His wallet and money wasn't missing, so it wasn't a robbery.

Please keep our son in your prayers. This is hard on him and with Christmas around the corner, it's going to be esp. hard on him. I won't have the money to go up to the funeral, but am selling my dvd recorder and my laptop, just to send him a little money, hopefully it will be enough to at least get him a ticket out to deal with arrangments to bring his dad to VT for a funeral.

Nelda

BuddyBeanieBaby · #2 (**permalink**) 11-16-2008, 09:38 PM

Nelda...my heart breaks for you and your son...How awful to go through this...I will keep your son and you in my prayers...

God Bless You...

aarickasmom · #3 (**permalink**) 11-16-2008, 09:48 PM

Thank you.

Nelda

Irish Angel · #4 (**permalink**) 11-16-2008, 11:21 PM

Sweetie I am very sorry and my prayers are with you. I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. My prayers are with your family.

**DeBora4BobbyL** · #5 (**permalink**) 11-17-2008, 07:03 AM

Nelda, first, I am so sorry for your loss.

I am kind of confused as to the nature surrounding his death. Do I understand it correctly that he was driving to where his DS was located (assumption, not fact) and he was found shot in the back of the head at a gas station?

Had he talked about suicide or not wanting to live in the past?

I am like you. If he was shot in the back of the head, he would have to be a contortionist in order to shoot himself there. People who are suicidal usually shoot themselves in familiar surroundings in such a way that makes it comfortable.

As far as not talking about it, many suicidal people come to some sort of peace about killing themselves and will appear to be in a very good mood just prior to killing themselves as they are no longer conflicted about whether or not to do it.

If you have no legal rights to your ex, you may need to contact his family or next of kin to stay on top of the police. I am assuming that your husband was Black? If he was a minority, if he had a history of suicidal tendencies, the police don't want to spend the time on a homicide investigations, and many other reasons, they may not do anything unless they are pressured to do so. I would definitely ask the police about the trajectory of the bullet that went into your ex's head and ask how it is possible for his to shoot himself at that angle.

Good luck. Whether it was a suicide or homicide, I know this isn't easy to accept. If things get too rough, there is no shame in talking to a counselor. Keep shopping for a good one until you find one whom you feel good talking to.

Mish · #6 (**permalink**) 11-17-2008, 11:22 AM

I am so sorry for your loss.I will keep you and your family in my prayers too.
Mish

aarickasmom · #7 (**permalink**) 11-18-2008, 05:55 AM

Thank you, Morelia92.

aarickasmom · #8 (**permalink**) 11-18-2008, 05:57 AM

DeBora43:
I'm almost as confused as you are. Our son called on Wednesday and told me first that his dad had committed suicide in Elkhart, Indiana. He said that his dad's neighbors said he was ticked off about something on Thursday and left. He was always level headed and I just don't think he would kill himself and not tell our son anything that was going on. If he committed suicide, I would think he'd put the gun to his temple, in his mouth or under his chin. Isn't that the way suicidial people do? Not put the gun in the back of his head, unless he wanted it to look like an accident, so our son would think that he was killed by someone else and spare our son's feelings of how his father died.
I am going to call the police there and see what they think happened. I can't find anything of where he died in their newspaper online. A member of another group said that the town is small, so wouldn't there be something about a out-of-towner killing himself in their small town? My ex's wallet wasn't stolen so it had to be some reason he died. I guess if I knew the reason why, it would be a little easier to bear. I've had thoughts where I didn't want to live (sometimes) but couldn't do that to my children/g'kids.
I talked to my ex on 13 Sept. 2008. He said he lost his job (gets retirement from AF) but he wasn't talking about, "Woe is me, I can't pay my bills, I want to die" He just said that his retirement check was some, but couldn't pay all of his bills, like his truck note. I told him that if needed anymoney, to let me know and I would give it to him, not loan it to him. I didn't realize that some suicidial people are at peace with killing themselves and therefore, there are no signs to family and friends of what the person is going to do.
He was a great guy and I just wished this hadn't have happened. I wish he could have confinded (sp?) in me if things were to the point that he wanted to kill himself. I'd give up anything I had right now (except my kids and g'kids) to be able to tell him I still loved him and try to get back with him, if he felt alone and suicidial.
No, he wasn't black and came from a good family. I know,this doesn't stop one from killing themselves just because they come from a good family. But it's just so hard to accept. I may just have to go to a counselor. I just can't get over it. I feel as though I should have been there for him and wasn't.

Nelda

aarickasmom · #9 (**permalink**) 11-18-2008, 05:58 AM

Thanks, Mish.

Cooked · #10 (**permalink**) 11-18-2008, 07:56 AM

I too feel heartbroken for you and your son. Death is hard enough to handle, never mind the mysterious circumstances. My oldest and closest friend also committed suicide, leaving her 18yr old dd. She wasn't found for a week in her apt. and apparently it looked like she may have changed her mind at the last minute. She also came from a decent middle class family with lots of friends. No one will ever know what went through her mind. It is always in the back of my mind all these years later.
You may never understand what happened, but I hope you are able to find peace one day. I am so sorry for your loss.