I don't know where to begin.... I will ask my h to move out tonight. Even if I have to go rent him a house and force him out, ditto my son. They are both bi polar and niether one takes care of it. For the last ten years my h has blamed me and punished me for not allowing him to have a 'friend'. He decided that the only *** life he wanted was.... solo. There is no love given to me at all. No communication no love nothing. He has finally admitted that he really wants a mommy not a wife. This sounds so stupid. He is a selfish control freak but he is very quiet about it. To met him on the street you would never know.... His dad is a huge control freak. His mom is a dingaling that takes it. I am feeling hurt, lonely and lost today.
I have given this to God. IF God doesn't like the way I have planned to handle this mess, then please show me what to do.
h falls apart every holiday season. I am just tired of it. and him.
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"Do the best that you can where you are, and be kind." by Scott Nearing
I wish there was something I could say that would make this all better but just know you are in my thoughts and I hope some of the ladies on here who have been through this can help.
God Be With You.
Anna
__________________ We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Location: Originally from the Home of the only 6 times Super Bowl Champs!
Posts: 12,099
Bluebird, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.
My first husband, even though he wasnt bi-polar, was a very needy person. He, too, was looking for another mother and not just a wife. I say another mother because I always felt like I had married him and his mother--there was no separation.
It worked for me to walk away but I cant give you that advice because only you know what your situation is really like. I am here though if you need a shoulder to lean on. You can email me or PM anytime if you want to talk.
Talked to h tonight. He went in and went to bed..... He acts like this is out of the blue! I asked him " What do you expect me to do, how much do I have to take? If you can go to work and be nice to everyone, then come home and be nice AND loving." He can't do that. He really changes as soon as he steps in the door. I don't understand it. I feel so lost. We do have a counselor appt on Monday but I am thinking... it has never helped..... The last three weeks since the counselor figured up my 'work' hours compared to his.... and told him that I have done more than my share for a long time and he needs to step forward and do his part for once. the moods he has been in. I am all ichy again.. Too much stress, trying to break out in hives....
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"Do the best that you can where you are, and be kind." by Scott Nearing
Hey girl, you are in my prayers, I just went through one that was dragged out almost 4yrs. I believe you are doing what is best for you and god will understand. It says our bodies are our temples and if you are truely not happy how can you take care of yourself and your body properly? Everything will work out it is scary it only shows that you are human and have feelings hun. If you need anything I am here and am sure everybody else on here is whenever you need us.
Bluebird - I pray that your situation will be resolved to your satisfaction. I cannot give advice never having gone thru it and then each situation is different. As, with the others, if you need anything we are here for you.
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Post Card Angel
Children have never been very good at listening to their parents, but they have never failed to imitate them. Baldwin ~
I could sugar coat everything but that's not me. I say what I'm thinking and I personaly don't blame you at all and wonder how you've managed this long in a relationship where you've had to baby someone. No one can help him until he decides to help himself and you've got to be happy in order to have full life and if you're not happy with him and what's going on then you have to do what's best for you. Put yourself and your happiness ahead of everything and everyone for once. And good luck to you and I hope nothing but the very best for you.
Bluebird-I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now-no time is a good time but the holidays always seem to make things worse.
I have no advice to give you,I'm not in your situation; but as everyone else has said -remember that we are here for you-come and vent to us, take out your frustration.
You and your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
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A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
'Herm Albright'
I totally know to a point what you are talking about. I was married to a bi polar man for 24 years always thinking i could fix it. The what seems like different personalities many times leave you thinking you're crazy ..First he was nice then he was horrible ,breaking things ,saying mean things in front of the kids. I had spoken to a dr. about how his prozac wasnt working and her words of wisdom hit me hard...she said "you can't fix him you have to fix yourself." i thought but I'm not the one broken...I went to a recommended pschyco therapist and found i was broken but could be easily repaired..... because of trying to always survive and hang on for the kids...he was a control freek and I knew he'd be mean to the kids so I waited till they were old enough to make up their own minds. I just couldnt handle my youngest one my daughter who is very attached to me being taken on weekends against her will. In speaking to the ther therapist I found in my surviving I had become brainwashed and even had post traumatic stress syndrome not remembering important details that took place because of a fight ...I didnt even remember going to my brothers graduation and apologized.....I had taken the pictures. But the arguement that happened before and after took the memory away of the event itself .... after a few months of therapy I came out of it and my self confidence had come back. I was going to have separation papers drawn up ,he had taken his paychecks and would give me money as he saw fit. "you will not be buying any Christmas gifts this year I am getting the kids things." I watched as he tried to strip me of even that. One day he said how I couldnt survive without him and what was I going to do sneering wickedly..leave him I was up for the challenge so instead of getting separation papers I filed for divorce. We sold the house which was hard I liked the house but it was filled with broken promises and pain . he has now gotten my son to harass me saying things to me I never would have thought he would say..he's 19 and without me scrimping and saving out money for him he would not have had the two years of college that he has had. he left a message on the machine the other day and it sounded like a monster it sounded like his father. all over a cell phone contract..something really important. If he ever gets married I will definately warn his wife of what her life is probably going to be like . Now my daughter and I live safely in an apartment she tells me she's glad its over. He's taking me to court with the divorce he doesnt want to pay maintenance....oh well he owes me ..he took 24 years of my life , made me think badly of myself afterall he led me to beleive it was my fault and why couldnt I fix it.Divorce is a long painful process but it gets to the point where its survival, if you don't leave there will be nothing left of you emotionally .Being told you are stupid or fat oh the list goes on and on. But when you are away from them it is unbeleivable how happy and at peace you can be. where everything you did was surrounded by commotion its peaceful....no one picking fights ,controling or telling you what they are going to do to you.no more fear when things get broken , no more locking the bedroom doors at night you actually begin sleeping peacefully..my thought is good ridance he cant move far enough away and he has for now controlled and ruined my relationship with my son. I get really confused over that one I was always there for my son stayed home to raise him, spent days teaching him and playing games, doing educational things to make him intelligent , went to every baseball game and scout meeting for years and don't deserve to be treated like this at all. For now he has chosen to be like his abusive father he learned nothing .I taught him men don't treat women like that but lost his respect when he would watch his father become more powerful. I guess my son doesnt remember the fear he felt when my husband would throw things and I would hurry to get the kids out of the house away from it. I did what I had to do but somehow he saw his fathers control and power as a good thing. I dont know if it was because my soon to be x is bipolar that he was so obsessed with breaking me and taking everyone else down as well or if he was just a bully with bi polar tossed into the mix. I no longer feel I'm losing it , why would I feel this way he's trying so hard now? he was never trying at all its always a set up so he could come at me again .Make me feel everything was fine and get me again ,what a fun game for his messed up mind. I am no longer a pawn in his game , we are no longer afraid and we are now very happy. He will never know where we live ,I don't want to hear his voice or see him ever again . My daughter had seen so much growing up she wants nothing to do with him we have started brand new lives with a wonderful confidence I had forgotten was there so many years ago before someone who was supposed to have loved me stole it from me. he will never hurt me again. I totally understand ,everyones situation is different and no one knows unless they've lived it but I do know that while you are living it , it is hell. good luck in your new life always remember you can make it without them and as time goes on you will feel more confident and secure in yourself . you can start living again .
me again I was told as a young newlywed that he was not there to entertain me, all I wanted was for him to watch tv with me. I always felt alone till I had the kids then I was busy with them. he spent time on his computer and watching tv all the time. then when my son was old enough he'd do things with him and leave my daughter and I out. we'd put up the tree he wanted no part of it. I dragged the box of branches up to the living room alone. every holiday was filled with pain. Christmas morning even he'd come down complain about the money spent , how he didnt like the tie the kids got him and then retreat back to the bedroom ....of course filling in the extra time with scaring everyone and being a bully. I thought about how it would be nice to grow old with someone , travel then remembered while I was married I didnt have that and never would have. he threated divorce sometimes three times yearly I guess he was bored or had to keep me in line... he'd eat in his room and complain if he didnt like the meal.I knew when the kids had gone off to college I was going to be a very lonely woman, you make friends but its not the same and you can have friends without the commotion of the husband with out being made to feel guilty you have them.he never wanted to do things with me yet wanted to control where I went calling me over and over or asking where I'd gone. wellll lets see how far do you go when you have the baby in a stroller not a lot of options probably a walk ....I would have loved to have had a husband who took an interest in coming for a walk with us, or asking how the kids days went , maybe after a hair cut telling me it looked nice. funny though if I ever meet a nice guy who does say it I dont think I will beleive him . Life is not for living lonely especially when you are married, there are many other people who can come into your life after the computer couch potato is out of it. you don't need a weight hanging around your neck of husband who doesnt want to be a part of your world but wants to control it.
He acts like this is out of the blue! I asked him " What do you expect me to do, how much do I have to take? If you can go to work and be nice to everyone, then come home and be nice AND loving." He can't do that. He really changes as soon as he steps in the door. I don't understand it. I feel so lost. We do have a counselor appt on Monday but I am thinking... it has never helped..... The last three weeks since the counselor figured up my 'work' hours compared to his.... and told him that I have done more than my share for a long time and he needs to step forward and do his part for once. the moods he has been in. I am all ichy again.. Too much stress, trying to break out in hives....
