Well, dh and I separated for two months about a year and a half ago... and it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was devastated and missed him like you would not believe, also our daughter was nearly two and I knew it would affect her... I would just try to be strong all day and as soon as she went to bed I would just cry my eyes out. He always said that it was temporary, but never wanted to work through our issues. Then I realized something, I could either hang on for dear life and smother and guilt him into coming back. Or, I could get on with my life and be a whole and complete, happy person without him. So when he did come back and want to sort things out, I was strong enough to hold my ground and not get back into a bad situation, I waited until we got things worked out. We still have our problems, but who doesn't? And we are both pretty happy, and still growing.
However, if I had ever had any reason to believe that he had cheated on me... I probably would never consider getting back to me. I personally don't have a strong enough self esteem to deal with that.
I say work on making the life that you have without him stronger and not focus on him... and if things with him work out then that is just a bonus to the stronger, happier you.
I have sat here for the past hour re-reading your posts before I began to compose a post to you. I wanted to try to get some things straight before I do post a reply, though.
#1. Your son was 12 or 13 when you and your husband got married, correct? Did your husband and son hate each other from the beginning of the marriage?
#2. What was the relationship between your husband and your older son?
#3. What is the relationship between you and his son?
#4. Did you divorce your first husband? Did he divorce his first wife? If so, what were the circumstances of the divorces? Was cheating involved with your first husband at all? What sort of relationship did you have with your first husband....did he have with his first wife?
There is a reason for the questions. I am not meaning to pry. I would like to know the answers, but only if you feel comfortable answering the questions, as I feel I could better give you some advice if I had those answers.
I feel like there is more to the story than what you have posted.
Ok..let me give you an example...My first husband cheated on me more than once, so when I married my second husband I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him. (not fair to him, of course, but I was carrying over the blame from hubby #1 to hubby #2)...which led to several arguments about jealousy, non-trust, and statements exactly like your husband has made to you.
That is the main reason for the questions.
I have been down the road you are on. If I can help in any way, I will be glad to do so. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It is a painful, stressful, heartwrenching thing to go through for anyone.
Kelly= Ok to answer your questions
1. Yes, my son was 13 yrs old when we got together. They did not hate each other then. My oldest had just joined the army, so very breifly lived with us. I think as the one got older, he resented my dh telling him what to do, and each of them was distrespectful to one another. It got worse over the years.
2. There is no relationship with older son and dh. Everything mykids do is wrong and bad in dh.s eyes. He really sees no good in them. Maybe he is jealous of what I have withmy children.?
3. At first I liked his son, his son came to live with us after just us getting together. But as time wore on, and the worse my dh treated my son, I started treating his son not very niceley. But no where near like DH treated my son. I know it is wrong on my part, but he never saw the bad in his son either, only the good. And he would get very defensive if I mentioned anything about his son.
4. We are both divorced. He got divorced because he cheated. He swore to me he realized what he lost then, and how stupid he was to do it, and now hes found a wonderful women, he would never do that to me. - ( a note- after my dh pushed my son- which is why I had him leave, I called his ex girlfriend- and had a good talk with her. She had no kids involved, but stated hes a good man when hes not ddrinking, but, she also mentioned he could not be faithful to any woman he is with. )Hmmm= ??
Dh does drink to much at times, but the prob. with my son is also when he is sober.
I divoreced due to the fact my ex had cheated, and was doing drugs, and couldnt hold a job. We rarely talk, as his new wife is extremely jealous of me because I have a good relationship with my exs mother.
Im not sure what type of relationship my dh had with his wife. I know now, she hasnt called her son in over 2 years, and is making a mess of her life.
I suppose I think he may be cheating as hes done it in the past to other women. I do wish I knew the circumstances surrounding the cheating with his wife. But, I am not certian he is. He flately denies it. And unless I have proof, I have to believe him.
I also know, he doesnt like being at home alone, and he will turn to the bar for company, where Im sure in his past has gotten him into trouble. Which is why it drives me crazy not knowing what hes up to. He has lied about little things to me before, so I also dont always trust him.
I want to believe him that he loves me and wants to work things out - It does hurt that my son is so disliked. But there are times I dont like my son either, but he is my son. This whole thing is really complicated.
I know for a relationship there needs to be trust, and I was starting to retrust him when he lived back at home.
Like Tasha said, I need to get busy and make a life for myself, keep busy, and if its meant to be it will. I should just forget about worrying about what he may be doing or not doing.
I guess I really just needed to vent, but any insight or words of support is needed at this time. Thanks for listening.
Been there, done all of that. I can see why there is a very strong issue with trust. My ex also drank and drank heavily. He also beat the mess out of me. He cheated on me, verbally, physically, emotionally abused me. The night he picked up our 6 yr. old son and went to throw him against a wall was the night I left. He never did do it, by the way, because I jumped him. Just a little background on me.
I agree with Tasha...keep busy at all costs. It will help you keep your mind off the situation to an extent. It will also give you a fab kitchen in the end!
I'm going to play devil's advocate now.
I can see why you do not trust your husband. He has a history of lying to you...cheating in previous relationships.....drinking heavily at the bars, which is a breeding ground for cheating, in my humble opinion....but my worse assesment is he made you choose between him and your son. I can't get past that. You see, when I married my second husband I was 28 and he was 23 and I had Gerard who was 8 years old. Never did he once in the 25t years that we have been married even think to make me choose between the two of them. He was and is my son's father. He raised him, he sat up with him when he was ill, he went to all the games he played in, he was the one my son turned to for advice, he is still the one he turns to for advice. He rarely sees or has anything to do with his birth father and his birth father lives 15 minutes away from him and his family.
I understand how you would choose your son over your husband...I would have done the same thing however, I would also have told him, "You knew I had this child when we got married and I am not going to abandon him now. I will and I am going to give you the freedom that it seems you want. I want a divorce so that you will no longer feel you need to be around me or my child." That's me, though. I would have been so angry!!!
It sounds to me like the friend who made the comment was really trying to stir the pot up....just being a jerk....your hubby is extremely defensive over alot of things, makes me wonder, WHY?.....I also can't figure out the reason he felt the need to move to start a business if he really wants to work on this marriage. Distance is not going to make this work. It will only drive a larger wedge between the two of you. The reason I say this is, if you cannot trust in him when he is with you, how does he expect you to trust him when he is 4 hours away from you and living with a friend, who I assume is a bachelor. He has no responsibilites to speak of, can come and go as he pleases and do whatever he wants whenever he wants.
Kelly-
The friend hes staying with currently is married with 2 kids, but they are heavy drinkers and both jerks in my opinion. That place is about 20 min from my place.
I agree with you, a bar is a breeding ground for trouble. I rarely drink, and would not feel comfortable going into a bar by myself, but he on the other hand.
Hubby thought he may start a car repair business for a means of making money in the small town to where hes moving. He could have done that here, however, we have a large ranch, and that is almost a full time job in it self.
We shall see what happens. I am working on my kitchen, which is more than I bargained for, but it will look great. Then I will plan my next project!
I do think I told him - when he married me, he married my kids. I know I did say, they will always be part of my life, whether they live with me or not. And if he doesnt want them to come and visit, I will go to them.
I am really going to try and not dwell on anything, and put it in Gods hands.
Life is like a rollar coaster isnt it?
I saw on another post that you did that the two of you have 2 children together, a 4 yr. and a 22 month old? I have to ask the question. How is he treating his children with you?
Yes life is a roller coaster and we have to with its "ups and downs." It's never fun and we often wonder when will we ever get off this thing and will we ever have the life we have always dreamed of and wanted for ourselves and our children? I can relate!!!
I have to wonder what sort of woman this other guy is married to; to allow a seperated man and his son to move in, and her hubby goes to the bars often and it doesn't bother her? Hhhhmmmm? I wonder how much she's holding in?
I pray things will work out the way the Lord want them to. It may not be your way and He may have another plan for you if they don't. I'm not telling to give up......just be aware that we don't get what we want and sometimes when we do, it's not what we thought we wanted all along.
A little piece of advice for you, if you don't mind.
#1. I think you both need to go to marriage counseling as soon as you can. I bet ya though, he won't. You don't have to pay alot of money for this. You can go to a clinic for this.
#2. IF the two of you do try to work things out.....I would really, before even going down that road....make sure I had some financial nest egg (that he knows nothing about and cannot get his hands on, sorry I know this sounds sneaky and underhand, but it is a precaution. Add to this whenever and how much you can when you can)
#3. You MUST set ground rules for the BOTH of you. Stick to them. A little leeway is fine. Drinking at a bar at all hours is OUT!!
#4. I am not trying to be cruel, and this may sound that way, but it isn't meant that way, you really need to get that green monster off your back....I don't think you are going to be able to do it, though, with this man. I'm sorry, I think he feeds on your jealousy. He sees it and he can push that button, he may not do it intentionally, but he does it.
I have read and re-read your posts and I have read some of your other posts at other sites....your an intelligent woman, I know you told him accept my kids when you got married (men have a tendency to have select hearing LOL this includes sons mine would swear that I had never told them to take out the trash!LOL).
Indyroper, I am here if you want to chat, vent, whatever....I am not going to abandon a friend.....you can always pm me if you would like a more personal chat and I will give you my email address and we can continue this that way...it is entirely up to you.
How's the kitchen going? What style are you going to redecorate in? I am redoing my, probably the first of next year...we are painting our den and wallpaper and finishing up our main bathroom before the holidays this year (we live in a rental with a fantastic landlord who has given us carte blanche to do what I want to do). I am thinking of going the tuscany style in my kitchen. We are just going to paint the den off white and get new art work (cheap but nice) and curtains and furniture (ours is hand me down and is over 30 years old!) so that is exciting to me.
Well, we dont have any children together, something must be a misprint somewhere. Im 42 and going to be a grandma in December, (really excited) and would not start all over again!
But yes, the nest egg thing is a good idea. I will get some money from us selling our cows, and he will too, but I know he is going to be using some of it. I dont think its sneaky, just protection!
Ya know something funny, this land we are on, I Purchased before we got married and its in my name only. He is buying a house over in MT, and we will still be married, so legally, that place would be boughten during the course of our marriage and Im entitled to 1/2 I believe if it should come down to it. Even if my name isnt on the deed?
He is not big on counseling, we have gone in the past. He does have a way of twisting things around tho when telling his side.I may just go on my own. I found it helpful last time even if he did not.
But I agree with setting ground rules. After the incident with the woman in the bar, he would rarely visit the bar unless I was with him. That was a ground rule I had set. If this marriage is to work, you dont need to go there.
The friend hes staying at, the wife is a teetotaler too. They dont always drink in the bars, But at home alot. Just about everynite almost. Kinda sick.
Green monster- do you mean jealousy? I know, some days Im good about it, others not. But I am really going to try really hard. And whatever I can do to help my own self esteem, I will do it.
For me.!!
My kitchen- today I tore off the rest of the yucky stuff on the walls. Im doing it in country. Adding wooden type weinscoating and chairrail, having the window sills the natural wood, I made all new cute curtians.
Im putting off white tile behind the sink, and repainting the whole kitchen.
Then Ii will paint the dining room to match.
Thats great your landlord is so nice!! And all new furniture, THats awesome. Thanks for listening.
The laws are different in each state so I would check on the laws in Montana and make sure that when he buys the house you are entitled to half. Don't give him any money for any of it!!!! It was his choice to leave YOU. Always remember that. I certainly would not help him to better himself so he could bar hop, build a life perhaps to share with someone else!!!
My husband and I got married February 9, 1985. I was a month shy of turning 21 and he had just turned 20 the month before. We got pregnant right away and had our first son in January of 1986.
We had lots of arguments because we had been raised differently and couldn't seem to meld together. He was very quiet and was raised in a large family where the females did everything in the house, cooked 3 large meals everyday, raised the babies, etc. The males did not step in the kitchen for anythig, except maybe to order a girl around. Even though the males did not do anything in the house, they expected the females to do hard work outside whenever the males wanted them to.
I was raised in a family where my dad worked graveyard and my mom worked during the day. My dad would come home from work in the morning, sleep for a while and then start making dinner. He would clean the house, work outside, do whatever needed doing. Same thing for my mom.
I think my husband married me because he saw a different way of living in my family and wanted the freedom. I didn't learn this until after he left.
In May of 1989, my husband was doing stuff in the garage and I walked out to see what it was. I saw him loading stuff into boxes and his truck. I jokingly asked him if he was leaving me and he said yes. I walked back into the kitchen and dropped to the floor sobbing. I was devastated. I did not see this coming. And I strongly suspected that I was pregnant.
He took his stuff to a friend's place and came back for the night. The next morning he left for work and didn't come back.
He moved in with a woman from work. They started sleeping together 2 weeks later. This was just another knife in my heart.
He would come over sometimes and I would beg him to come back to me. Sometimes he said that he wanted to and was trying to but then he would go back to her.
I eventually moved in with my parents for a while. Even though I was still a married woman, when people saw that I was pregnant and knew that my husband wasn't around, I felt like a sullen woman.
I cried so much. All of the time.
When labor started I called my husband. I am a very, very modest person. Even though he hadn't seen me naked for several months, having him in the labor room was better then my mom or sister-in-law (brother's wife & my best friend) seeing me naked. It was so awkward having him in the delivery room with me. He helped me in every way that he could but there was still the underlying mood that he really wasn't my man any more.
When he took us home from the hospital, I sensed something. I said, "You're never going to leave her, are you?" I guess I had been feeling like if I could just get him to see the birth of his child then I would win him back. But I finally realized that was never going to happen and it was time to start taking care of me and getting over that SOB.
During all of this I hung on to God. Him and my wonderful family got me through all of this.
Now we had to start dealing with his visitation. As far as I was concerned, I did not want my kids around this other woman. And I especially did not want my baby going with him. He had regular visitation rights except that it was stated that the baby did not have to go overnight for the first year. My ex wanted everything on his terms. He did not want to do anything to make the boys feel comfortable or to help them adjust.
Eventually I could not hold him off any longer and had to let him have weekend visits with both boys. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. This man was pretty much a complete stranger to my youngest who was about 1 1/2 years old at this time. Yet my ex did not care. He would come to get the boys and he would have to pull the little one out of my arms while he was kicking and screaming the whole time. I had to just walk away while my baby was wondering why I was letting a stranger take him from me. (Whoa, these feelings are just as strong as back then. I haven't cried about this in a long time and yet here I am blubbering like a fool.)
Through all of this is when I got closest to God, though. I could do nothing about the situation so I had to trust Him. And He was so very worthy. He made things happen that never should have. Good things that were in my favor that normally didn't happen that way.
God started healing me. He started letting me see my ex the way that He saw him. He also made me realize that this other woman was taking tare of my kids when they were over there. That they loved her and she loved them. That even though they called her mom, that didn't diminish who I was to them. He helped me become very secure about who I am in my sons' lives. He had me praying for them and caring for them.
He helped me see that even though my ex doesn't show that he loves our boys, that he does love them.
My oldest son, who is 19 now, went to live with his dad when he was 17. It was hard on me because after having my son with me all of the time, now I only got to see him every other weekend. I missed him so much. And he didn't move there because there was anything wrong with our relationship. He moved there just because he wanted some time with his dad. And I understood that and was okay with it.
It has been a long road but God has been with me every step of the way. If anyone ever wants to talk about what they are going through or what I went through, I would be happy to.
__________________ ~Phyll~
"My children are not responsible for my personal happiness. If they are noisy or tired, it is inconvenient only if I make it so." ~ Celia Straus
