Ramblings on how I got to this point

[Candy]

This may be an on going story as I would like to say a lot in hopes that it is a theopy for me and maybe something in this mess will help some one else .
please disregard all the spelling errors ,wish this had spell ck!


I was a chubby child but not fat. At 15 I weighed in at 120 and was 5 foot 1 inch tall. I thought I had a misrable home life and just wanted to get out and make a family of my own to love. Ended up and getting married at 16,3 days after my birthday . Had my first child 8 months later and the 2nd child 3 years later. My first husband was very abusive and beat me on a whim. No open wounds or such just run of the mill bruises and only a few each time. He was careful to put them where clothing would hide. Took me 6 years of thinking he would change, it was my fault, my kids needed a dad as I had a step dad and blamed that on my goofy mind,no one else would want me as by this time I weighed in at 235 and every excuse I could come up with including I just plain loved him to much to leave. A light finally went on at 6 years and told me that if I didn't leave I would be hurt or dead soon or worse yet he would hurt the kids! I finally relized that being alone would be a better life than I was living. I left, lived with my mom and got welfare till I got a job and appartment about 3 months later. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I went from being depressed and missable one day to being happy and hopeful the next and everything in between. Life went on. I paid for a divorce,got a car and carried on.
I dated and soon decided I was in love again about 8 months my divorce. After 3 months, and a weight loss down to 170, we got married and although it has it's rocky momments I think I did the right thing and we have been married for 27 years.
In the beginning my new dh said he had a problem with over weight women , he thought they were lazy. That statement has been festering inside of me along with a ton of others I can't let go. Even though he changed his mind he said...so what if that was his belief? Well , then he said if I ever got over 300 pounds he would divorce me , I did and he didn't. Now don't get me wrong he also said lots of good things like I was beautiful etc. He was really good to me in almost all areas and I supose this one area that came up sporatically was not that bad. well lots of conflicts over kids and 50 or so pounds later I did not know if I could survive this marriage. Theropy and years later and I decided I was in it for the long haul and we are basically happy with both our faults showing there ugly head occasionally.LOL Now I developed a new problem. My dh was being to good to me to the tune of it hurting my health. He was spoiling me with food I loved ,eating out a lot. And as I got heavier and less active we got a satilite to watch more T.V.!Oh my!LOL Then my mom got cancer (I was so unhealthy myself that it was very hard for me to care for her).She died 3 months later and I went into a real deep depression for about 3 years. I did only what I could not get him to do. At this point he was running the sweeper and doing a lot of the dishes and basically cleaning the whole house except for laundry which he did put in the dryer after I washed it . Oh , and I did the toilets! yeah!LOL He dropped me off at the door of stores as I had a lot of back pain and the weight was making that worse so I could not do much shopping either. Soon I was sending him to the store and crying because I could not do anything.....sooo I would just eat more and feel even sorrier for myself. Pitiful wasn't I. I was picking fights with my dh who would be happy a hour later even though I could stay made for days. I took this as indiference on his part instead of a good thing and a fault of mine.
Around the time my mom got ill I turned to God. God was always a part of my life but never "What can I do for Him" relationship. After my mom died God got me through the next 3 years although I still was on a self pitty trip and really didn't try to follow the bible except to ask for help. About 2 years ago I started attending church regularly and became baptised. At this time I quit smoking and tried to lose weight. It was not my time to lose yet. But returning to Church and getting baptized helped me a lot as far as finnally feeling worthy of love etc....most of the time. What can I say I have crazy emotions that go to both ends of the spetrum and I will not lie about it. Now it gets worse at times from this stupid "change of life stuff".
So anywho I have tried my best to inprove my behavior toward my dh cause I do love him and I know he loves me. We are just human with faults. Back to his spoiling me. I finally realized that this was not a good thing for him to be doing! That by helping me so much I was becoming even more out of shape till I could barely walk to the car a few feet away without my back killing me.
Over the winter I was very depressed and thought I would be dieing soon as I was sure I was going to have a heart attack or something, I felt horrible all the time.
You know how they say you have to hit bottom before you can climb out if you are an alcholic. Well I think I am a foodaholic and I finally hit bottom in January of this year.
Stay tuned for the other side of the coin.

[ajrsmom]

Hugs, Candy. I saw myself a lot in your post. I wanted to let you know that you arent alone in your journey. I woke up today feeling totally disgusting. I've let myself go right back to the way I was before last year when I lost weight and was actually starting to feel proud of the way I looked.


I agree that for me, I have to hit bottom in order to really see how things are. Im there now but Im determined to lose this weight again.

Im looking forward to reading more of your story. If I can lend a shoulder, Im always here.

As for me, Today is day 1

I wish you well!!


Tami

[debknechtel]

Candy

Thanks for sharing your story with us here. I may not have as much weight as you to lose but it is funny how I can see parallel stories in our lives!!! Mine goes back to my childhood and years the abuse i suffered from important people in my life......I have felt unworthy and have settled for less than I should have in the past. It has taken many long roads to get to where I feel today. I still have down days but thankfully they are getting less and less.



Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.......let me know if ever you need a shoulder to lean on........

I too am looking forward to the rest of your story........I found you such an inspiration this winter.

Keeping you in my prayers

Hugs Debbie

[Candy]

Tami and Deb , I think that there is a lot of hurting poeple out there that use food to different degrees for comfort. It is sooooo hard to learn other means to comfort ones self. more later, love you guys

[Candy]

Again Tami and Deb I am sorry you had any thing bad in your life but am very blessed to have you as friends.

part 2:

Lets see, I knew I was sick . I wanted to find some kind of medical insurance before getting a major illness on record so the insurance would not exclude it from payments. I just could not afford insurance and had all the store inventory as an asset so had to much to be eligible for welfare insurance. I am not real sure when I realized my sugar was out of control but I did sometime around Jan. I tried my best to get it down and under control by food management to no avail. My highest weight was 365 and I have lost over 100 pounds each of 4 times. This time is harder and much more important! In Jan. 2005 I was at 350. I finally gave up and went to the doctor. He sent me for tests and called to confirm I was indeed diabetic and also my good cholesterol was to low. He charged me 95 dollars for the first visit , then the pills were 53 something...then 2nd visit was over 50 dollars and he did give me lipitor samples . I called around and found a local drug store that the same perscription was only 22.50 so now I go there. At the 3rd visit which was 40 dollars I ask the doctor if we could spread the visits out to save me money i didn't have and he set me up for 3 months unless I have a problem. Gave me more samples too. Yeah. Seems my sugar levels were influancing my mind as dh and I were having horrible verbal battles which i felt like someone else was arguing and I couldn't get them to stop....It was horrible. For what ever reason I am so glad that stopped!!! I feel soooooo much better since i have got my sugar down where it belongs. On one hand I feel in control but that little gremlin that lives inside me still naws at me sometimes telling me I am not worthy of anything. Most of the time I knock him for a loop!LOL but there will always be moments, hours,days and sometimes weeks when the battle for self esteem is not easily won if won at all. I just pray that i stop eating my way into happiness because it only results in much more saddness!
I hate taking pills. This has been a MAJOR deal for me. I have seen to many of the side effects medication can have on all the clients that have lived in my home over the years and never liked taking medicine before that cause I read all the inserts and it scares the daylights out of me!LOL But I had to come to the realization that without the medicine I would not in all probablity be here for long. So after having a tough time remembering to take it I finally got a twice a day pill case that holds a week worth of pills. now if I can't remember I look in the case. This probably occured right away for some of you but sometimes i am thick and this took me awhile to come up with.LOL
Now with my ups and downs and a day to day challenge of what to eat and how much I am soooooooo happy to report I have lost 5o pounds, maybe even 52 pounds so far. According to my scale on most days it is weighing me in at 298 !!!! Yeah!!!! I will get a report that is official from the doctor July 23rd or so. This should have been more but I have been not staying on weight watchers faithfully like I should. However I am happy with my results and also Happy with my discisions to eat certian foods just because i missed them. I am also proud of the fact that it is getting easier to feel the binge coming on and if I can't stop it at least I can eat low point foods like a whole bag of popcorn or raw veggies ...then top it off with a little something that tastes sinful, I like 2 mini sugarfree resees peanut butter cups. I keep them in the freezer so I don't have them readily available.
Lately I have been worrying about the winter months and not getting enough exercise as I hate structured exercise and have been walking more instead of. Hopefully I will think of something by then. I am thinking I would like a personal trampoline to bounce on. We will see. Catch ya later

[Candy]

This is for reference into how I turned out not for pity as I am sure everyone has had a troubled life in one way or another, and if they didn't I am sooooo glad for them.

That said here goes. My earliest memories I was around two years old and lived with my fraternal grandmom and dad. Not sure how that happened,funny I never ask my mom to explain it to me. She did tell me however that daddy tried to through us both out of the apartment window. My grandma said my mom slept around. My mom said my dad did. She was 15 and he was 17. They were too young and Iwas not there to know the facts as they really were. Inside of me I never would let myself believe ill of my mom. Recently I have admitted to myself that she was like me and did the best she could at the time no matter what path that lead her down, which was not always the best way to do it but we are human. I remember a few memories of my dad teasing me and another of my toys floating down the driveway in the rainstorm and grandma was telling me if I would have brought them in that would not have happened. Simple little memories that were few and far between. My next major memory was my mom and stepdad taking me somewhere and I was told to wait on the porch , I remember a coke and getting into trouble for spilling it on my petafore(dress). Later I found out that was the day my momma stole me back from my gram. A lawyer told her that was what to do....get custody of me for a picnic etc and never return me. Would not work these days. I remember fights over my toys not being given to my mom later and stuff like that and then never seeing my dad or grandma till high school. I have a few good memories of a kitten in box just for me that magically appeared while my mom and step dad and I went for a walk. My step dad was good to me as a child as much as I can remember. I do remember at about 3 or 4 sitting on the front seat of a car legs were to short to bend down off the seat so they were straight out in front of me. Must have been around 3 or4 cause my granddad on my mom's side died abouta year later when I was five or so. Any who I remember sitting there and my mom came running out of the house crying and my grand dad yelling after her "take her back where she came from we don't want her." I can 't get that to leave my brain so I try to bury it. My mom said that was my grandma talking and he was just voicing her wishes, no matter bottom line it was something that although I understand the implications of what that meant now, at the time it just meant no one loved me. As an adult I know that every one has there own life and since I wasn't able to evaluate there ablity to care for me I must assume they did the best they could. Again only recently did I allow my self to wonder why my mom was trying to find some one else to care for me. I know she did want to go to new york with my step dad who got a job out there and she said there was no welfare back then to help her finacially but.....What if I had been my brother? He was two years younger than me and no one would take him either ,then my mom's sister said she would on one condition. She would adopt him so my mom couldn't take him back after she got attached to him. I grew up an only child till I was in 5 or 6 grade I found out that the ratty little cousin was really my brother. We have both had problems dealing with that one and bottom line we were cheated out of that sibling feeling and we steal don't relate very well but make it known to each other how we DO love each other. Catch ya later

[Candy]

Abuse
I remember in 5th grade a neighbor a friend of the family started exposing him self to me,several times later he masterbated in front of me , afew times more and Then tried to have sex with me. At first I was scared and strangely excited but as time went on I got more scared till I finally got the nerve to tell. It was horrible. I had to tell my mom , then my mom and dad, then two policeMEN and some kind of court woman, then a judge. In the end he skipped the state and got away with it. later in life while I was married to my husband now this man and his family came back to the state and he was working for the local college as a janitor. I was so scared he would come to kill me as he had threatened. I lost track of where he went and after some more theopy from a doctor friend life went on. Just when I started to feel comfortably about 7th grade my step grand dad molested me . I again did not tell right away as I was scared and felt helpless because i was sure nothing would happen to him. I finally told and I was right....after a long fight within the family and my grandma calling me a liar ...we just stayed away till it blew over. At this point I was having doubts as to how God could love something that seemed to be so bad. Deep down i was thinking it had to be my fault some how. I still wonder at times ,why me? It did not stop here....my 7th or 8 grade. 2 Boys would attack me at the train station. I begged mom not to wend me to the store for her. She called me lazy and we fought a lot about it. I did not tell her the real reason. I took on more guilt for not telling. I just couldn't...I had to be a tramp....it had to be my fault...I was sure God did not love me let alone any one else. My step dad was vulgar and I blamed him for the attention I was getting from those boys so long ago but a preacher told me that was not fair holding my step dad acountable for what those boys did.
I think I still blame him...but for not protecting me . Probably my Mom too...but I will not let myself go there as I love my mom to much to put voice to the pain I feel she might have contributed to. Then again maybe the preacher is right and no one is to blame except the boys themselve, or my grandfather or the friend of the family. That is the problem I can't get past my past. Now since I have come to believe that God indeed does love me i feel the devil did those deeds against me and God knew I could overcome them. Maybe the fact that I keep telling any one who will listen is a good thing meant to help some one else in some way. Maybe I am not to know why any thing happened as it did. All I know is it is impossible to not have your past influance your present. What is important is to mold it into something good one way or another. As far as my weight I use to think I put it on to protect myself from men attacking me but now I don't know ...it changes from day to day . Some days I think it is just because I love food , other days i think it is a pain medicine...other days I think it is a combination of a whole lot of stuff I still don't understand. Probably the last one is right.
catch ya later

[Candy]

At the risk of you all thinking I am even more certifiable I must say this.

In fourth grade I lived in Ohio in a trailer park. I had a friend named Billy. I can't remember his last name, I wish I could. Anyhow he and his family were moving out of the park and we were very close. As children do we were praying that we could spend more time together and the sky was getting cloudy and we didn't want it to rain...we prayed together that it would not rain. He ask if I saw what he did up in the sky ? I said I saw Jesus. He said he had a white robe on. and I added with a redsash ,then he added also a purple one....then I said he was sitting...then he said in a gold chair. WE WERE SEEING THE same thing!!! I truly believe I seen Jesus that day floating from behind a cloud and then behind another cloud. I don't know why but I do know I must tell even if it seems I am crazy. I beleive that Jesus shows himself to the inocent at heart ...the little children. Although I have waited a long time to truly learn more about my faith I have always told my account of what happened the day Billy was moving.

Catch ya later

[debknechtel]

Candy

Wow girl you have had a lot to deal with in your lifetime. You are an amazing woman. I know from past experiences that writing these things down on paper can be very healing. Sometimes we keep things so buried inside because we don't want to face them. When I had my first son I almost died and a few days later I was surprised that I had opened up some very painful memories that I had chosen to ignore and bury very deep inside. I had a male babysitter when I was 9 rape me. I could only ever remember a face and him telling me that I needed to take my clothes off to weigh myself on a scale and he needed to do the same. The rest I had blocked until 11 years ago. It was very painful to relive those memories and it has been a very long journey with hy dear hubby as intamacy can be very difficult for me. I was abused sexually by my grade 7 teacher and my grade 8 and 9 track and field coach. I went to court for my grade 7 teacher when I was 21 and I was to go to court in high school for my track coach but he dropped the appeal and was sentenced. I was then raped when I was 16 by a young man that worked for my dad. I had begun to think that I was the reason these men were doing this to me and relationships were very difficult. I was always with the wrong man because I thought I could never do any better. Over the years I have come to realise that none of them were my fault...some of the men had done this to many other young girls. I had to learn to like myself and learn that I am a good person.

Sorry i know this is your thread but I just wanted to share with you. I hope that this will help release some of the pain you must have and are probably dealing with. you are a beautiful person with a wonderful spirit and I want nothing more for you to know that nothing you ever did was your fault. I am here if ever you need a friend!!!!

Thinking of you

Hugs and love Debbie

[Candy]

Debbie you are welcome to comment any time as well as anyone else. You too have had a lot to deal with. I think it it a lot more common to be sexually abused than people think, which is a horrible shame. I told my kids all about not letting adults touch in the wrong way and if they ever even thought in a little way that some one was doing something wrong with them to tell....they would never be in trouble. I probably scared them,I know my daughter was scared for awhile and would come to me and ask if this was O.K or that. I felt bad I had scared her but I was trying to save them from EVER going through anything of that nature. Now that they are grown I am glad I protected them as best I could. Yes writting it down is supose to help but I have been trying to heal for many years and writing it down does make me feel better but i think I need much more and I doen't know what? I have been to a little theopy. Also a year of talking with a friend who is a shrink. He said to do letters to the people telling them how they made me feel or tell them off while they sit (pretend) in a chair in front of you....that last one is too strange for me. The letters are very healing at the time ...then the stuff seems to come back every time I am in crisis over anything else everything comes bombarding in! But I think that I saw Jesus so I would have proof positive in my soul and being that he does exist so when my trials came apon me I would have that to hold on to at least. I have wondered if he loved me and lots of other stuff BUT NEVER if he existed. I am truly blessed for that day. I also think I am to tell of my day even if some think I am crazy. I still wonder why, because my family were not church goers. My mom believed but faith was not a strong force in our disfunctional home. I have always believed and would go to church when neighbors would take me. We moved a lot so this was not as easy as it sounds. I sometimes believe it happened so I would have that to hold on to during the horrible times in my life.


Again you are welcome to add anything you want here. AND You are a very good friend to me already and I am blessed to know you even a little.