Should we keep brother and sister together?

Niff · #1 (**permalink**) 02-13-2003, 04:11 AM

My fiance' and I are going through battles every day. We have finally gotten custody of his 6 year old daugther after years of fighting. The mother is a drug addict and has has gotten custody taken away from her daughter and her son who is 3. The boy is not my fiance's and is now in foster care. These two children have suffered many types of abuse and are attached. His daugther acts like a mother to her brother. The state is now thinking of taking away parental rights of the boy. If this happens my fiance' and I will be able to adopt him. We have already agreed to adopt him to keep the kids together. Is this the right thing to do?

Him and I are in our mid twenties and our getting married in July.

There are many other pieces to this puzzle......

misticrains1 · #2 (**permalink**) 02-21-2003, 01:22 PM

if it were me yes i would adopt to keep them together, hands down. but you 2 are pretty young and they can be a handful but stop and think about where they have been and what they have been thru. im sure if the 2 of you work together on this things will work out and you will be a family joined. not only that but you can include them in your wedding which i think will make them feel as if they are a part of the family.

buputheclown · #3 (**permalink**) 02-22-2003, 05:23 AM

I think, if you don't you will always wonder about it.
You should, at least find a way that the kids can keep in touch and be a part of each other's lives, if you can.

Good luck to you,
keep us informed.

nagymom · #4 (**permalink**) 02-22-2003, 05:35 AM

Niff only YOU and YOUR fiance can really answer this question! You need to discuss it together and seek counseling from a minister if you can. You say there are many pieces to this puzzle so try to piece them all together. No one knows what the future holds but you can at least try to look ahead knowing what you do know. Do you both feel capable of loving this little boy? Do you feel able to cope with any emotional problems he may have? How would it impact the sister if she were to lose him now?

Yes you're both very young but consider the fact that once they're grown you'll still be young parents! I had my first at 19 and have 3 grandkids ranging from 7 to 22 months and at 48 I'm young enough to keep up with them.

At any rate, there is much to consider. I wish you not luck but wisdom in deciding and best of wishes on the upcoming marriage! Whatever you decide it MUST be better than being in the custody of a drug abusing parent.

Jayne

Robin whittington · #5 (**permalink**) 02-22-2003, 05:57 AM

Keeping families together is so very important. I'm sure there are many twists and turns to the story but if you have the love in your hearts then by all means keep them together. You have to put the benefit of the children first. Would the young brother benefit from being with you and his sister? I'm sure the little guy is traumatized. He needs a loving, secure home to recover and grow in. Can you offer him that? Are you willing to offer him that? If you do adpot him you need to always treat him as equal to his sister and not play favorites since he is not your
biological child. He needs to feel the love and security of loving parents. Never make him feel as if he's just there because you felt sorry for him. I'm not saying you would but these are all things you need to give thought to and be honest with your answers.
Good Luck to you and the kids. Robin in NC

MomsZoo · #6 (**permalink**) 02-22-2003, 06:12 AM

I agree with the consensus here... it will be a tough burden to bear, but you have to consider that even though the 3 year old isn't your fiancee's, he's been the little girl's brother for 3 years. It's something only the two of you can decide with help from a counselor or clergy maybe. Goodluck, please keep us posted

sugar_n_spice · #7 (**permalink**) 02-22-2003, 06:54 AM

a big hug to you . it is wonderful that you are considering adopting them both. it will be hard on you just adopting his . it takes a wonderful person to do this whatever you decide. you both do need to talk and i agree with the one that says seek counceling first . you will probally benefit from this. congratulations. on your marriage and new family you will all be in my prayers!!

fish3711 · #8 (**permalink**) 02-22-2003, 07:53 AM

I say yes. I am sitting here thinking how scared this 3 yr old boy must be. He lived in a home that was abusive and his only life support was his 6 year old sister and now he is separted from her and he has nothing and he is only 3. It must be devestating to both children. He is a little boy who needs the love of his sister and a family and you seem like you and your finance are just what both children need. Good luck. I know your decision is hard.

Fish3711

teag · #9 (**permalink**) 02-22-2003, 08:00 AM

Absolutely! I Was in a similar situation where the state had intervened with custody rights of my two nephews, it was the most difficult decision I had to make, but I was awarded custody of the two of them and have raised them in a single parent household since they were three and four. They are now 14 and 15.
This has been the single most rewarding thing I have done in my life.
Don't get me wrong, it has been hard, I have never received financial help even though the boys parents live together with their third child . I have never been able to count on them to do the things they say they will ( showing up for birthdays, not honoring things they have personally promised).
However, In the overall picture, my goal is to raise two descent, respectful, hardworking young men. With the number of compliments I receive I believe I am succeeding.

Focus on what you need to accomplish, agree on the course the two of you will take. Good luck and God bless!!

Lifestar · #10 (**permalink**) 02-22-2003, 09:31 AM

I agree with all that has been saisd here. But that doesn't matter. What matters is how much your heart can hold. This is a huge commitment you are considering. It is a bigger commitment than the one you are planning to make to your fiancee. You are planning to become a mother to two emotionally needy children. The only piece of advice I'll throw in here is this:

If you do it ... You need to do it 1,000%

Don't take these children thinking in your heart you'll "try it". No.

If you take this little girl, ...if you take this little boy, then it will not be ok to say..." I've changed my mind, this isn't working out."

Take them into your heart as if you have just given birth to them.

Take them only if you are willing to become their mother in your heart.

Because in a situation like this, it won't work for you or for them otherwise.

Commit to it , or don't. Either choice is OK. But make that choice now, for their sakes.

Only you and your fiancee can decide what your hearts and arms can hold. But speaking as a mother... It's not hard at all, to love a child. Especially one who needs you.

Val