Accident Report- The following accident reports were filed in conjunction
with an automobile collision in which my two daughters somehow managed
to run into each other in their own driveway. Both of my vehicles sustained
damage.
Baby Blessings- There are obvious joys of being a parent to a
young bundle of joy, but there are also things
you likely never considered:
Birth of a Hamster- I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
room.
Business Memos to my Child- Leafing through the sacks of three-part
forms, I began to wonder what it would be like if my family used this cryptic
method of communication to talk to each other, instead of the usual shouts
and threats. A typical exchange with my thirteen-year-old son might go like
this...
Daughters Driving- My daughters are driving. Let me explain what this
means. It means that two teenage girls whose primary method of
observation is "distraction" are out there aiming tons of metal at everything
moving. When you see one of my daughters approaching, do not panic.
You should (a) pull your vehicle over to the side of the road, and (b) lie
face-down in a ditch.
Father's Day 101- Anyone will tell you, becoming a father is a learning
process. There are things, though, that you can't read in
a book or hear from your parents or even Oprah. Many
things you just have to come to know on your own.
Often to the great potential hazard of yourself and your
child, but such are the trials and tribulations of life. As
my first Father's Day approaches, I've been reflecting
long and hard upon all that I've learned in these seven
short months that I've been in that elite society of people
who're known as "Dad".
it's Not My Fault- I now have three teenagers under my roof. This is not my fault. It can't be my fault, because with teenagers, nothing is anybody's fault. Stuff just happens for no reason, like floods, and with no explanation, like Wayne Newton.
Laundry Day- As usual, I'm the one who was blamed for the recent family
crisis, even though, as readers of this column well know, I am a sensitive
and humble husband who is right pretty much 100 percent of the time.
Paternal Proclamations- It has come to my attention that all of you are, on
occasion, leaving a good quarter of an inch of milk in the bottoms of your
glasses. Since milk is an expensive commodity, and we do not yet own a
cow, you are forevermore required to finish your milk at every meal. Any
public comments before this goes on the refrigerator?
Skiing- The beginner skier is taught the "snowplow." It's an absurdly
un-athletic position: your toes pointed in, knees splayed, arms waving
madly in circles (I added this last bit on my own). As you creep forward in
your snowplow, your children dart around you at insane speeds, singing out
"Hi, Dad!" while you try to stab them with your ski poles.
Spring Cleaning a la Testosterone- Do men just play dumb
when it comes to cleaning?
Is this an obvious attempt to
avoid any sort of
housework? I used to think
so, but now I think it may
have something to do with a
testosterone brain block or
something.
The Adventures of Montgomery Moose- Though I am positive the wealth
and fame promised me by a recent fortune cookie is no farther away than
the next letter from Ed McMahon, I sometimes take on odd jobs to help
keep my family income from sliding into a recession. So when a neighbor
called to tell me she would pay me to attend her daughter's birthday party, I
was enthusiastic: This sounded like my kind of work! Then I grew
suspicious.
The Bathtub- This last Wednesday night I wanted to take a nice hot bath
and read a book that was loaned to me called: "Reaching the Summit," by
Pat Summitt. (The University of Tennessee's Head Women's Basketball
Coach) I was tired and a little stressed, and all I wanted to do was lie in the
hottest water I could stand and read away. The problem with this little
"getaway" for me was the fact that "Aqua Boy" lives in our house in the
form of Caleb.
The Cutting Artist- A question to parents: A. If you could have a smart,
popular, good looking, naturally talented, freeloading son who shared your
life for all eternity and never left his studio apartment upstairs in your house,
or B., a son who moved far away but was employed, which would you
choose?
Father's Day!
Father's Day is coming soon. Celebrate dad this year with crafts, recipes and plenty of other ideas. Here are a few examples to get you started...
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Family Matters Radio
Hosted by Caroline & Jacquie. Choose a segment below to begin listening!
Secrets of Happily Married Women Do you feel like you are constantly on overdrive? Juggling career and family, attending to everyone's needs but your own, and all the while struggling to maintain a sense of balance and harmony in your marriage? You can actually start getting more out of your relationship by doing less and we'll tell you how with Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of Secrets of Happily Married Women. Hear part 2
When Mars and Venus Collide It's a common scenario: a husband returns home from work stressed out and eager to kick back on the couch and watch TV. A wife returns home from work stressed out and wants to talk about it with her husband. What happens? Neither is on the same page, anger and resentment set in. We're going to find out how stress is impacting marriages today and what you can do about it when we talk with bestselling author John Gray Hear part 2
Missed the last couple of newsletters? Haven't visited for a while? This section highlights articles and crafts that have recently been added to FC...
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