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  Top : Family : Holidays : Fathers Day : Dad Humor


  • Accident Report - The following accident reports were filed in conjunction with an automobile collision in which my two daughters somehow managed to run into each other in their own driveway. Both of my vehicles sustained damage.
  • Baby Blessings - There are obvious joys of being a parent to a young bundle of joy, but there are also things you likely never considered:
  • Birth of a Hamster - I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
  • Business Memos to my Child - Leafing through the sacks of three-part forms, I began to wonder what it would be like if my family used this cryptic method of communication to talk to each other, instead of the usual shouts and threats. A typical exchange with my thirteen-year-old son might go like this...
  • Daughters Driving - My daughters are driving. Let me explain what this means. It means that two teenage girls whose primary method of observation is "distraction" are out there aiming tons of metal at everything moving. When you see one of my daughters approaching, do not panic. You should (a) pull your vehicle over to the side of the road, and (b) lie face-down in a ditch.
  • Father's Day 101 - Anyone will tell you, becoming a father is a learning process. There are things, though, that you can't read in a book or hear from your parents or even Oprah. Many things you just have to come to know on your own. Often to the great potential hazard of yourself and your child, but such are the trials and tribulations of life. As my first Father's Day approaches, I've been reflecting long and hard upon all that I've learned in these seven short months that I've been in that elite society of people who're known as "Dad".
  • it's Not My Fault - I now have three teenagers under my roof. This is not my fault. It can't be my fault, because with teenagers, nothing is anybody's fault. Stuff just happens for no reason, like floods, and with no explanation, like Wayne Newton.
  • Laundry Day - As usual, I'm the one who was blamed for the recent family crisis, even though, as readers of this column well know, I am a sensitive and humble husband who is right pretty much 100 percent of the time.
  • Paternal Proclamations - It has come to my attention that all of you are, on occasion, leaving a good quarter of an inch of milk in the bottoms of your glasses. Since milk is an expensive commodity, and we do not yet own a cow, you are forevermore required to finish your milk at every meal. Any public comments before this goes on the refrigerator?
  • Skiing - The beginner skier is taught the "snowplow." It's an absurdly un-athletic position: your toes pointed in, knees splayed, arms waving madly in circles (I added this last bit on my own). As you creep forward in your snowplow, your children dart around you at insane speeds, singing out "Hi, Dad!" while you try to stab them with your ski poles.
  • Spring Cleaning a la Testosterone - Do men just play dumb when it comes to cleaning? Is this an obvious attempt to avoid any sort of housework? I used to think so, but now I think it may have something to do with a testosterone brain block or something.
  • The Adventures of Montgomery Moose - Though I am positive the wealth and fame promised me by a recent fortune cookie is no farther away than the next letter from Ed McMahon, I sometimes take on odd jobs to help keep my family income from sliding into a recession. So when a neighbor called to tell me she would pay me to attend her daughter's birthday party, I was enthusiastic: This sounded like my kind of work! Then I grew suspicious.
  • The Bathtub - This last Wednesday night I wanted to take a nice hot bath and read a book that was loaned to me called: "Reaching the Summit," by Pat Summitt. (The University of Tennessee's Head Women's Basketball Coach) I was tired and a little stressed, and all I wanted to do was lie in the hottest water I could stand and read away. The problem with this little "getaway" for me was the fact that "Aqua Boy" lives in our house in the form of Caleb.
  • The Cutting Artist - A question to parents: A. If you could have a smart, popular, good looking, naturally talented, freeloading son who shared your life for all eternity and never left his studio apartment upstairs in your house, or B., a son who moved far away but was employed, which would you choose?









 
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